


Broken Hearts

by slushmucky



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean Winchester's First Time With a Man, Dean sex with a female, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, M/M, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2020-10-07 21:27:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 63,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20460401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slushmucky/pseuds/slushmucky
Summary: Hearts are such Fragile things. Castiel has never felt his heart break before. When his feelings come to light after a face-off with another angel, the rejection that pours of Dean is like he has never felt before. Castiel doesn't know if his shattered heart will survive this pain. He doesn't know if things will ever be the same again.There is one scene involving another M/F. No more than that. Very Angsty! Destiel!





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment. Would love to know what you think.  
The start of this story isn't as good as it should be, I have just gotten back into writing after not having written in four years. But promise it does get better.  
I'm also new to this website, so I'm not entirely sure how it works yet. I'm learning as I go.  
I'm going to post a new chapter in a couple of days. Please enjoy.

Heart break was something Castiel had never experienced before, it was completely foreign to him. But he knew what it was as soon as it hit. It felt like someone had reached down his throat and started, very slowly, to pull out his heart. When he looked over at Dean Winchester's face, he saw what he had been expecting. Dean was smiling, a comforting smile, or at least he was trying to be comforting. Castiel didn't want that comforting, reassuring smile. He didn't want to be anywhere near that smile. 

“We know that bitch was lying through her teeth.” Dean gripped his shoulder firmly, squeezing slightly. Another comforting gesture. Castiel fought the urge to rip the hand from him and storm away. Dean released him and turned back to the trunk of the Impala. None the wiser of Castiel's inner turmoil.

“Yeah, Cas, you don't need to explain anything to us. We know its pretty much impossible.” Sam's turn to grip his shoulder in a reassuring manner. Castiel was at a loss for words. They didn't believe a word the other angel had said. He should have been relieved by that. But he wasn't. They didn't believe it because they didn't believe he could feel that way. His heart broke even more when the realisation hit, pain shooting through his chest and for a moment he'd forgotten how to breath. Dean would never believe it because it was impossible for him to come to terms with something like this. This was a rejection whether Dean knew it or not. 

Dean slammed the trunk down and he turned back to Castiel, that stupid smile still on his stupid face and instantly Castiel felt the urge to punch it. He clenched his fist as the heated anger raced through his veins. “Right, back to the bunker. You going to travel with us, Cas?” 

Cas couldn't stomach this any more. He couldn't hold his tongue. He knew this was a bad idea, knew he should leave it alone but he couldn't. Something in him just snapped. “What makes you so sure she was lying?”

Dean's smile dropped for a second. A small, petty part of Castiel mentally punched the air in triumph. “Because that's what all dick's do, Cas, they lie.” Dean looked all smug after that. Castiel couldn't take it any more. The anger he felt for Dean in that moment was unlike anything he'd ever felt before. The unwelcome urge to punch him again crossed his mind. “Shall we go then?” 

Castiel took a small glance at Sam, who for his part was talking on the phone. To who, Castiel didn't know. He swung his gaze back to Dean, who was still waiting for an answer. He narrowed his eyes at Dean and did the one thing he knew Dean hated, he invaded his personal space. Inches apart now, Castiel could feel goosebumps travel up his skin, sending a shiver down his spin. This just made him angrier. “Angels are not capable of lying, Dean.” 

Dean's smile vanished and his eyes popped open in shock. Castiel didn't give him a chance to gather his thoughts, he vanished with a flutter of his wings, anger still coursing through him.

* * * * 

Angel's lie. Of course Angels lied. Dean knew this from experience. So why the hell did Cas say they don't? Shit. He knew deep down what it meant. He knew as soon as the words had left the other angel's mouth that it was true. He just didn't want it to be true. He couldn't have it be true. He had looked at Cas for his face to give away just how wrong he was, but no, he had been devastated and slightly embarrassed. He'd tried to reassure Cas that he didn't believe it, but for his own sake more than Cas's. 

Anger started to thrum through him. Now Cas had ruined everything. Putting it out there like it was nothing. How dare he ruin their friendship. Yes, their friendship was officially ruined now because Dean would never be able to look at Cas the same again. They would be completely awkward. He could imagine it now, Cas would give him longing stares, willing him to say something, and damn him, Dean wouldn't be able to look at him. They wouldn't be able to have a normal conversation. Dean would be preoccupied with whether Cas was trying to undress him or not. But then, if Dean told him it would never happen, maybe they could go back to being friends. 

That was never going to happen. He didn't know who he was kidding. The sudden urge to punch something started to overpower him. Damn Cas and his stupid feelings. He knew this was the end. He had just lost his best friend and there was nothing he could do about it. He hated feeling so out of control. 

“Dean?” Sam's voice broke through his startled brain. He looked up at his brother as he strode towards him. “We got another...” Sam's voice broke off as he looked around, his brow furrowed in confusion. “Where's Cas?” 

Dean flinched. “Gone,” was all he managed. 

Sam heaved a sigh. “Well we need to call him back, now. We've got another angel problem.”

Dean couldn't do this, not now. He needed time to get his thoughts together, to figure out how to act around Cas. Before Dean could put up a fight about it, Sam had already pulled his phone out and started dialling Cas. A small part of him hoped Cas would be too pissed to pick up the phone. Of course that was just a pipe dream. He heaved a sigh when he heard Sam speaking to Cas. Suddenly Cas was stood next to his brother. Dean tried to gauge Cas's response to being back here so soon, but he gave nothing away. His face was as cool and collected as ever. 

“You mentioned more angels, Sam,” Cas stated in his usual gruff voice. 

“Yes, there's been another angel attack. Only this one is bigger than a couple of people in a hotel room. This one has struck a whole diner. Only one survivor, a seven year old girl. The only child in the building at the time.” 

“Where?” Cas asked. 

“About an hour from here.” 

“Cas, you sure you're ready to go up against another angel so soon?” Dean asked. He made sure to lace his voice with as much concern as he could, hoping the angel picked up on just how much he still cared and this revelation didn't have to change anything. 

Cas narrowed his eyes slightly, keeping them trained on his brother. “Yes.” He didn't look at Dean as he marched to the passenger side of the Impala and climbed in the back seat. Sam on his part looked a little taken aback, giving Dean the 'what the hell was that about?' look. Normally, Dean would have shrugged it off in his normal gruff manor. But he couldn't muster the energy. If he needed conformation that his friendship with Cas had officially ended, this was it. He let out small sigh and turned his back on Sam, heading to the driver's side of the car. 

* * * * 

Castiel's heart was breaking in two and there was nothing he could do about it. He'd lost all control around Dean, allowing Dean to stop believing it was all a lie. What the hell had he been thinking? He had just completely ruined their friendship. It was one thing knowing that Dean would never return his feelings but it was a completely different thing seeing it written upon his face. They would never go back to normal. He couldn't simply look upon Dean's face and see the rejection there, he couldn't pretend that nothing had happened. 

He stared out of the window at the scenery floating past. He forced himself to keep his face stony. He could sense Dean's eyes on him. He could picture it, Dean's eyes flickering between the road and him, concern pouring out of him. It was best if Dean didn't see that he was bothered. 

How long was this going to last? Just like he's never experienced heart break, he'd never experienced rejection either. How long would it be before he gets over it? How long till he can look Dean in the eyes again without feeling so broken? How long till he was comfortable enough to let his guard down again? This was going to be torture and he knew it. 

Dean swerved to the side of the road. Sam shouted 'Dude', and Cas looked questioningly at Dean. Dean's eyes were trained on him in his rear-view mirror. Cas's eyes locked with his and as much as he hated himself for it, he couldn't look away. 

“Dean, what the hell?” Sam's shocked voice echoed through the car. 

Dean mumbled about needing some air and stepped out of the car. They had barely been in the car ten minutes, Dean couldn't really need air so soon. Unless it was an excuse to get away from him. Pain pierced through him again, small pin pricks this time instead of the heavy assaulting punch he'd felt before. 

Castiel watched Dean closely, unable to see his face. What the hell was he thinking? It was times like this that he wished one of his powers was to read minds. Dean gripped his hair in both his fists and crouched low to the pavement, head bowed. This wasn't good. Dean was having trouble controlling his emotions and it was all his fault. He should never have opened his big mouth. He should have better control over himself. He was an angel. Angels don't lose control. Their every move is precise and calculated. Yet, Cas had lost control and now it was affecting Dean. 

“What the hell is wrong with him?” Sam asked looking away from his brother to look at Cas. 

Cas cleared his throat but kept his mouth shut, keeping his eyes on the man outside. When Cas didn't say anything, Sam looked at his brother again. Dean stood, letting his hair go. Cas watched as his shoulders heaved up and down, slowly and then with a new sense of purpose, Dean strode back to the car and slid back into his seat. Sam looked at his brother with concern and Dean ignored it. Cas was worried. What had that been about? He caught Dean's eyes in the mirror again. Dean looked away quickly. 

“Right, let's go.” He started the engine up and pulled off from the side of the road. 

* * * * 

An hour later, Dean pulled into a motel car park and parked the car up. The rest of car ride had been Sam explaining what he knew about this new angel attack which turned out not to be much. Cas and Dean had stayed silent the entire trip and in the end Sam had given up trying to coax either one of them into a conversation. Dean was secretly glad. His head wasn't into the case and he needed it to be, desperately, he needed this hour to gather his control back. Sam jumped out the car muttering about getting them a room. Cas climbed out after and Dean followed. 

Dean watched Cas closely, he was still refusing to look at him. This was bad. “Cas?” his voice was weary, unsure of how Cas would react. Cas just mumbled a 'yeah', still not looking at him. Dean rounded the car to stand near Cas, but keeping his distance all the same. It hurt like a bitch, knowing that Cas couldn't even look at him. “Who do you think is behind the attack?” 

Cas shrugged and went to walk away, still avoiding eye contact. Enough was enough. He grabbed the angel's arm. Cas froze instantly and looked down at the contact before swinging his gaze to Dean's. Dean's breath was almost knocked out of him when he saw the sadness and the pleading that was evidently pouring out of them. Shit. He was really miserable. But why? Was he miserable because he thinks he might have ruined their friendship? That's what he was miserable over. That he may have lost his best friend. Perhaps there was a sliver of a chance for them to get past this. Maybe they could be friends. Dean knew it was a very tiny sliver, knew that the chances of them getting past this was next to nothing, but he just couldn't bring himself to come to terms with that just yet. He needed to hope he hadn't just lost the only friend he's ever had. 

“Cas, I'm still you're best friend. You know that, right?” Dean's heart sunk when he saw the pain deepen. Was that not what Cas wanted? To know that Dean knowing didn't change anything? 

Cas opened his mouth, then closed it quickly. His eyes dropped to the floor and he nodded slowly. Shit. This was not what he was expecting. Before he could say anything else. Sam came striding over, keys in hand and saying something about a room number. Dean dropped his hand from Cas's arm instantly, his gaze brushed over his brother. Sam threw the keys to him and Dean caught them in one hand. He looked back at Cas, but Cas was already striding across the car park. 

Dean knew instantly then. His heart sank as the reality hit him full force in the face. That one tiny sliver of hope disappeared before his eyes and his heart crushed painfully within his chest. 

This was the end of their friendship.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Cas and Dean are struggling with what they are feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here is the second chapter.   
Sorry there is a lot of angst in this one.   
Please tell me what you think. And keep the Kudos coming. It all means a lot to me. Thank you for all your support for the last chapter.   
I will try and update again in a couple of days. Thank you again.

The silence was filled with tension, tension that poured off Cas in furious waves. Dean shifted uncomfortably on the bed, his eyes darting to Cas. He was sat at the motel table, his arms on his legs, hands clasped together and his head dipped. He looked so deflated, so vulnerable. Dean had never seen him like that, ever. He'd always seemed so powerful, so commanding. But as Dean watched him, he didn't feel any of that power radiating off him. He seemed almost defeated. Perhaps he was. Perhaps he was defeated in the sense that he couldn't fight his emotions any more. 

Dean's eyes roamed to the motel bathroom, where his brother was currently having a shower. He knew Sam had sensed something going on, and Dean didn't have the energy to try and hide it. He looked back at Cas and wondered if he should make conversation. There was nothing worse than small talk but Dean was desperate to break the uncomfortable silence. Cas hadn't looked at Dean since the car park, hadn't said a word and it left Dean feeling the loss of the easiness that was their friendship. 

As much as Dean wanted to say something, he also figured that Cas might just need space. After all he was new to the whole emotion thing. That put another thought in his head. What if Dean had it all wrong? What if Cas wasn't… didn't have these feelings for him? Not in the way he thought anyway. Or what if Cas wasn't entirely sure what he was feeling? Maybe he should suck it up and be a supportive friend without the panicking from his part. Maybe Cas just needs him to be a friend. 

A small rush of purpose flew through him and he shifted again. He needed to do this. Not just for him but for Cas as well. But how to start. He stood up, flexed his hands, pacing the length of the bed. His mind going a hundred miles an hour with a thousand ways to start that particular conversation. Everything he came up with just didn't sound right. 

After a few minutes he felt eyes burning through him. His skin tingled at the sensation. Freezing, he allowed his brows to furrow in confusion. What the hell? That didn't make sense. Slowly he turned and saw Cas watching him, concern clouded his features. He didn't say anything and disappointment crawled its way up his spine. It would make things so much easier if Cas made the first move. It was selfish. Of course it was. But it didn't stop him from hoping. 

Sucking in a shaky breath, he pushed forward. They needed to have this conversation. Perhaps it wasn't the best idea while his brother was in the next room, but he didn't care. If he let this moment pass he feared that he would never have the opportunity again. 

He opened his mouth to say… something but froze as he watched the concern in Cas's eyes change to anguish. “I'm sorry.” It was barely a whisper but Dean had heard it as though he was shouting it at the top of his lungs. 

He licked his dry lips and he watched as Cas's eyes darted to them. The sadness turned heated and Dean sucked in a sharp breath. Cas heard it and his eyes darted away, shame filling him. If Dean had any doubt about his feelings, they were banished in that moment.

“Sorry for what?” he whispered it, partly so Sam wouldn't hear them talking but also to keep the mood of the moment going. 

Cas looked at him again, the sorrow back in an instant. “For...”

“For loving me?” He couldn't have stopped himself saying those words even if he'd tried. They were out there now and there was no taking them back. 

Cas looked taken aback for a moment, then he stood, a new sense of determination rippling off of him. “Never,” he growled. “No matter what happens now, no matter what comes next, I would never be sorry for that.” 

Dean shuddered under that penetrating gaze. That powerful being that Dean had grown accustomed to was back. Dean had no idea what to make of those words, so Dean being Dean laughed nervously. Then the rambling started. He could barely register what he was saying, the filter between his brain and his mouth had evaporated. Maybe he'd said something about brotherly love, maybe something about how he couldn't love him romantically. Dean knew there was no maybe about it, he had definitely uttered those words. With each word that came tumbling out of his mouth, he watched Cas's expression get darker and darker. He needed to stop talking and he needed to stop talking now. He clamped his mouth shut and forced his gaze to anywhere that wasn't the angel. 

He felt a small breeze and suddenly he was inches apart from Cas. He sucked in his third shuddering breath as the heated anger poured off of Cas. Shit. He'd made him angry. Of course he'd made him angry. He had just basically told him that Cas didn't know how to love, not romantically any way. 

“Do not assume you know anything about how I feel, Dean” 

Dean's eyes automatically darted to Cas's lips. They were plump and pink and all he could think about was how close to them he was. His heart hammered against his chest and he instinctively licked his lips again, only this time he knew it wasn't because they were dry. 

He managed to force his eyes back up to Cas's eyes and what he saw there took his breath away, literally. His palms grew sweaty and he watched the heat rise within Cas. Only this time, he didn't try to hide it and Dean wasn't sure if he was relieved or freaked out by this. 

“I… I'm… Sorry.” He hated how his voice shook, hated how Cas was making him feel and as much as he wanted to push the angel away, he couldn't bring himself to break the moment. 

Cas didn't say anything. Just kept staring and Dean could almost see the cogs working harder than they have probably ever worked before. Dean gulped past the lump in his throat as an image of him leaning forward slightly and placing his lips against Cas's cascaded into his mind. 

The sound of the bathroom door opening had him whipping his head towards his brother strolling out. When he looked back at Cas, he was once again sat at the table, his eyes still trained on Dean. The heat still evident there. Dean gulped again. 

“Showers all yours, Dean,” his brother announced. 

Dean didn't need telling twice. He broke the spell between him and the angel. Darting towards the bathroom. His mind was still in the moment and in his haste he hadn't grabbed his towel or clothes. He didn't care though. He needed a distraction, and fast. 

As the water rained down upon him, his mind went back to the image he'd allowed to enter his head. What the hell had he been thinking that for? He wasn't attracted to Cas. He wasn't in love with him. He wasn't into men. It was women all the way. He'd never even entertained the thought. Not even as a teenager. He was a boobs man for sure. So what the hell? But the more he thought of the kiss that never happened the more he thought that next time he might not have the courage to back down. Shit. Anger flared through him again. Anger at Cas for allowing all of this to come to light but mostly he was angry at himself, for allowing Cas to get under his skin.

Unable to hold his rage back, he punched the tiled wall. Pain shot up his arm and the sound of bones cracking echoed through the bathroom. He bit his bottom lip as tears sprung to his eyes. Shit. He should not have done that. He most certainly had broken it. Another thought pressed forward. If Cas sees this, he's going to want to heal him. That means touching, that means closeness. Dean didn't know if he could handle that right now. At the moment he needed to be as far away as possible from him. But on the other hand, he couldn't not have Cas heal him. First it would raise suspicion in his brother which would ultimately lead to a chick flick moment. Secondly he kind of needed his hand if they were to go up against another angel. 

Groaning, he switched off the shower and stepped out. Laying on the toilet seat was some clean clothes and a towel. He wondered if it was Sam or Cas. Sam wouldn't have thought of this. It had to have been Cas. Warmth spread through him, starting at his heart and working its way out. His anger vanished immediately. 

After getting dressed, he took in a deep, reassuring breath and made his way out of the bathroom, cradling his broken hand. 

\- SUPERNATURAL - 

An ache flared in his chest as he watched Dean move around the crime scene. Dean hadn't been able to look at him since their moment in the motel room and it hurt. Castiel hated how his feelings were making him feel. He hated how he ached to be close to Dean again. But most of all he hated himself for the way he was making Dean feel. He knew Dean was uncomfortable with the whole situation, knew he struggling to come to terms with it, struggling to keep his frustration and anger in check, the broken hand was evidence enough. He watched Deans face as he moved behind the counter. It was full of curiosity as his eyes darted from item to item, trying to find something that will help the case. 

Castiel knew he should be looking at the cop next to him, listening to Sam's questions and the answers the cop was giving, but he couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away from Dean. He loved how Dean moved, loved the way his brows furrowed in concentration. The ache intensified as the situation came crashing down around him. He was no longer able to look at Dean without knowing that he knows everything. He would never be able hide his feelings again. The sorrow filled him when he thought about how their friendship had changed, probably forever. 

Dean stopped, his eyes catching something of interest. Then he moved on, clearly it wasn't important to the case. Castiel's eyes caught Dean licking his lower lip and heat spread throughout his lower abdomen as he thought back to the last time Dean had licked that lip. 

As if sensing something, Dean froze, his eyes catching Castiel's for the first time since their moment. Dean's eyes darkened momentarily. He darted his eyes away, too quickly, as if he suddenly realized what he was doing. Dean had never noticed the heat that had flared up within Castiel before his feelings were revealed. But now he could see it, sense it. Castiel didn't quite know how he felt about that. 

Castiel heard Sam thank the cop. “Dean.” 

Dean looked at his brother, a questioning look in his eyes. His eyes flicked quickly to Castiel then back to his brother. Castiel also looked at Sam. “There's nothing here.” 

Dean nodded in agreement. “Let's head back to the motel.” 

“Actually, I was thinking I should head to the morgue, check out the bodies.” Dean nodded. “Cas, want to join me?” 

Castiel looked from Sam to Dean. The ache that hadn't quite left his chest yet, flared up again when he saw the pleading look in Dean's eyes. He wanted him to go. Wanted him to stay as far away from him as possible. The agonising pain gripped his heart in a tight fist and he instantly forgot to breath. Dean hated him. Dean didn't want him here. He looked away from Dean, unable to keep the eye contact. Sam was still looking at him, waiting for an answer. 

He took in an unsteady breath. “Actually, I thought I would go and check out some other leads that may help us.” 

Sam nodded in agreement. Castiel allowed his eyes to dart back to Dean and what he saw there almost killed him on the spot before he vanished. 

It was relief. 

-SUPERNATURAL - 

Dean was grateful that Cas had gotten the hint. He needed his space. Needed time to gather his thoughts. He couldn't do that with Cas in such close proximity. He glanced at his brother. Sam was sat the motel table, laptop open and his concentration face on, the thing at the morgue didn't tell them anything different about the case. It was an angel that much they knew. Sam stopped typing and now his eyes darted back and forth, reading. Sam had definitely not noticed anything different between him and Cas, not since the big reveal anyway, another thing he was grateful for. He remembered the way Cas had looked at him in that diner, and heat spread through him at the intense look in Cas's eyes. His mind had stuttered to a close and he couldn't think clearly. 

Now he had time to process his thoughts, he wondered what would have happened if he'd jumped the counter and placed a bruised kiss on Cas's lips. Arousal swam through him at that thought and he shifted uncomfortably. He shouldn't be thinking like this. He shouldn't be having sexual images of his very male best friend. 

As much as he tried he couldn't push the thoughts out of his mind. His brother was still glued to the laptop, so Dean slowly shifted off his bed and moved his way to the bathroom. He needed privacy, Sam was sure to pick up on any changes to his mood instantly and he couldn't have that. After locking the bathroom door, he sat on the toilet, letting out a heavy breath. The images of what he'd wanted to do at the diner were still very vivid in his mind. Heat spread through him and he gulped a lungful of air. He shifted uncomfortably on the seat and swallowed past the lump. This wasn't normal. This was as far from normal as anybody could get. What the hell had started this off? He'd never thought like this before. Was it because he now knew how Cas felt? Was he suddenly starting to see Cas in a different way?

No, that couldn't be it. He didn't like men. He liked women.

A small determination pushed its way through and his eyes hardened. He moved to the bathroom door, unlocking it. His brother looked up at him, his brow furrowed in concern. Dean ignored him, the determination still twisting in his gut. He grabbed his jacket of the back of the vacant motel chair and pulled it on. He grabbed his keys. Without looking at his brother, he mumbled a 'I'm going out' and left.

Yes, he liked women, always had liked women. He gulped in some cold air, unlocked the Impala, climbed in and revved the engine. 

He liked women. Not men. He liked women, not his very male best friend. 

And he was going to prove it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has shown their support to my story, I really appreciate it because it really does mean the world to me.
> 
> WARNING: There is an explicit sex scene in this chapter. Please beware reading it. 
> 
> So here it is, the third instalment of Broken Hearts. Enjoy and please leave comments, tell me what you think. I will also try and update the next chapter in the next couple of days.
> 
> Thank you for reading.

This pain was like nothing that had came before. It was more intense, more… agonising. The fist clutched around his vessels beating heart as he watched the ducks swim around the lake. Castiel had lied to Sam and Dean about other contacts for their case. He knew he shouldn't have, knew he should have just gone with Sam and be done with it. But he couldn't go. He couldn't keep pretending that everything was okay. He needed space to breath, to think.

The image of Dean's relief flashed through his mind again and Castiel swallowed past the lump in his throat. He shouldn't be shocked about Dean's reaction and to be honest he really wasn't all that surprised. Didn't mean it hurt any less though. He closed his eyes while he tried to regulate his heart beat, willing this pain to just go away already. But the image was so much more vivid when he did that. Instinctively his eyes sprang open again. 

A small girl was sitting by the lake now, her feet submerged in the water. She was throwing small pieces of white bread for the ducks. The ducks greedily swam towards her and she giggled. 

“Hello, Castiel.” 

Castiel's heart stopped briefly as his blood froze in his veins. An icy chill travelled down his back. He instantly hardened his eyes. Heaving a breath, he stood and turned to face the voice. She looked just the same as the last time he saw her and the urge to attack her pushed forward. 

“Naomi,” he growled through gritted teeth. 

She smiled warmly at him, her head tilting slightly. This made him want to punch her all the more. He had no idea how he was keeping himself under control. “We need to talk.” 

“I have nothing to discuss with you.” He turned his back to her, hoping she would get the hint. He knew her though, and she would not be able to resist saying what she came to say. 

“We have a problem.” Her voice was warm and welcoming and Castiel could almost hear the smile in it. 

“You have a problem. Not we.” He watched the little girl throw the last piece of her bread. She pulled herself up, her feet soaked. With a smile, she ran towards her parents. The warm sun shining off of her blonde curls as they bounced along with her. Oh, how he wished he could have her innocence. 

“I have information concerning that angel problem you and the Winchesters are working on.” That caught his attention and he slowly rounded on her again. Her eyebrows were raised as to say 'I knew that would get you to talk'. He didn't say anything. Instead he waited patiently for her to continue. For a few moments she stayed silent, and he started to wonder if she would elaborate or if this was her trying to manipulate him again. “They blame you, Castiel. They believe that everything that's happened, it was your fault.” 

“They wouldn't be wrong.” He tilted his head slightly, narrowing his eyes at her. 

“I agree. But some angels, a group of them, have decided to take it upon themselves to punish you.” 

“Well, thanks for the heads up.” Sarcasm was becoming easier with each moment he'd spent around Dean. The thought of Dean sent a jolt through his chest and he struggled to keep his calm composure in front of Naomi. If she had noticed a shift in his mood, she didn't let on. 

“Castiel,” she drew out his name impatiently. “There are worse ways to punish you than to torture and kill you.” He narrowed his eyes again and waited. Naomi heaved a sigh and rolled her eyes. “Humanity, Castiel. They know how much you love humanity. They are taking human life and they are not going to stop.” 

That sort of made sense. He did love humanity. But there were better ways to punish him. He opened his mouth as though he was going to say something, he just didn't know what. 

“They are warming up,” Naomi continued as though she had read his mind. “What do you love above all else, Castiel?” Before he could even answer, she answered for him. “The Winchesters.” 

His heart stopped. Fear pulsed through him. Of course they would go after the Winchesters. Why wouldn't they?

“Who are they? And where can I find them?” he asked, the urgency clear in his gruff voice. He was struggling to contain the fear and Naomi could sense it. He could tell by the pitying look in her cold, dark eyes. 

“I have no idea on both aspects.” 

Before he could say anything else, the sound of wings reached his ears and she was gone. He stood frozen to the spot. His mind trying to work out what had just happened. Was she telling the truth? Was there really rouge angels? Or was this all her, manipulating him again? He couldn't be sure, but he knew that the Winchesters needed to know. Without hesitation he fluttered off, vanishing just as Naomi had before him. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Dean gulped down his fifth whisky, the warmth of it filling him instantly. His eyes roamed around the crowded bar, searching. He needed to forget and this was the only way he knew how. He needed to forget all about Cas and the revelation, he needed to forget about the closeness they had experienced in the motel, he needed to forget about the images that had pushed their way forward. He knew that the alcohol alone wouldn't help, he needed more. 

His eyes caught sight of a woman. She was drinking alone. Her eyes searching. His own eyes roamed up and down her body. Her jeans clung to her slim legs, her red, strappy top pushed her breasts up. Dean's breath hitched as he watched her small fingers push her straight blonde hair behind her ear.

Without thinking, he left his empty glass on the bar and sauntered over to her. He leaned one elbow onto the small round high table and smiled down at her, his intentions clear. She looked up at him through her long, black eyelashes and smiled back, her intentions were also clear. 

He brought her a couple of drinks, they laughed, they flirted and then finally she asked if they wanted to get out of there and go some place more private. He agreed without a second thought. As he followed her through the crowded room, his thoughts automatically went back to the angel and his gut twisted uncomfortably. He watched the woman's ass sway from side to side and pushed those traitorous thoughts to the back of his mind. 

When they finally made it out into the warm night, he sucked in some fresh air. He couldn't stop to think, all he needed to do was to forget. With quick movements he pushed the girl up against the brick wall, she moaned appreciatively and his cock twitched in his pants. His heart started beating erratically as he closed his mouth over hers. She tasted so sweet, so delicious. He flicked his tongue across hers as her fingers dived into his hair, he moaned deep in his throat. 

This was what he needed to forget. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Castiel landed in the motel room silently. He glanced around with urgent, worried eyes. He could feel the pressure of his heart beating fast and hard. His eyes caught sight of Sam sat at the motel table, laptop open, eyes darting from side to side as he read, his brows furrowed. Castiel glanced around the rest of the room. No Dean. Not good. Sam hadn't noticed his presence so he said his name urgently. Sam's eyes darted up, surprise on his face. 

“We have a problem.” Castiel walked over to Sam in two long strides and stopped just short of him. Sam's eyes never left his, concern now taking over the surprise. Before Sam could say anything, Castiel explained his meeting with Naomi. Sam's eyes grew wider and wider with each word, his eyebrows raising high up into his hair line. When Castiel had finished, he glanced around the room again. “Where's Dean?” 

Sam's eyes narrowed in frustration. “Out. Probably gone to a bar.” 

Of course he did. This was typical Dean behaviour, anything uncomfortable or involving anything remotely in the direction of emotions he would drown himself in alcohol. “I will go and find him.” Before Sam could argue, Castiel was gone. 

He searched three bars and no sign of Dean. On the fourth bar all urgency and concern had left him as his eyes caught sight of Dean. He had a girl pinned against the wall, kissing her deeply and hungrily. The pain shot through Castiel like an iron fist. He could feel his heart shattering into a million pieces. He knew Dean would never want him. He knew that even with Dean knowing about his feelings that this didn't change anything. But knowing it and seeing it were two very different things. This pain was different to all the others he'd felt since his revelation, this was a type of heart break that had him rooted to the spot, that had him want to scream and run and hide all at the same time. This was the type of heart break that made him want to punch something just to get that relief from the torture. This was the kind of heart break that he didn't know he could come back from. 

The importance of what he was doing here had left him in an instant as he watched Dean pull away from the girl and smile down at her. His heart couldn't take any more of this. That was the smile he wanted from Dean. He wanted Dean to look at him like that, with a lustful hunger. He watched as he dragged the girl down the street and down the side alley. He knew what was to come next. 

In his shattered mind, he wanted to follow, to pull Dean away and claim him his as his own. But he couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. His eyes stayed focused on where Dean and the girl had disappeared. 

He forced his eyes away, tears clinging to his lashes before tumbling down his cheeks, burning his skin. What had he expected though? He wasn't his. Castiel had no claim on him. He needed to leave. He needed to be anywhere, anywhere that wasn't here. And yet he still couldn't move, still couldn't pull his eyes away from the opening of the alley. 

Soft moans drifted from that alley and suddenly it became too much, too fast. As he disappeared, he finally knew. 

This was a different kind of heart break. A type of heart break that he knew he wouldn't get over all that quickly. One that would keep his shattered heart a mix of broken pieces that he would never be able to put back together again. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

The girl moaned beneath him as he deepened the kiss. She was yet again pinned to the wall, her jeans around her thighs, legs wrapped around his waist. He watched her eyes close shut as he shoved his dripping cock into her wet slit. They both groaned from the pleasure.. He held their position for a moment, he nipped at her neck as she moaned again. Then he started to move. The feeling of her tight hole gripping his cock sent waves of pleasure through him. He nestled his forehead into the crook of her neck, his breaths coming fast and hard as he hit her sweet spot. He closed his eyes as the pleasure took hold of him, he started to move faster, unable to control his movements, needing his release. 

Then the image pushed forward. Cas. His blue eyes full of love and understanding and trust. The image of him pushing into Cas, hearing him moan in pleasure. He sped up his movements, unable to stop as the thoughts of him sliding in and out Cas took hold. He felt the girl tighten around him, her mouth wide open in a silent scream. He pushed faster as the image in his head became more vivid. The feeling of being inside Cas, the pleasure that would take hold. 

His release came. He squirted hard and fast into the condom. His heart was beating erratically, his breaths came fast and a moan slipped past his lips. When he had finally stopped, he pulled out of the girl. She was smiling a satisfied smile. He returned it. Dean slid off the condom and tied it, while she pulled up her jeans. He followed suit. Before he could stop her, she placed a kiss on his wet lips and hummed. She thanked him and he watched as she purposefully walked out of the alley. 

Then his brain kicked into gear. Horrified at what just happened. He had what he wanted. A perfectly hot girl, pounding into her, then those images. He had gotten off to those images. He stumbled back into the wall, his back hitting hit hard, but he hardly felt the pain. His heart had started beating hard against his rib cage again, he could barely breath as the reality of what he'd done hit him full force. He'd come here to forget but he didn't. He couldn't. 

Dean had been turned on by his best friend and then he'd gotten off on it. Who does that? Not him that's for sure. But he had. He had gotten off on it. He sunk to the floor and brought his knees to his chest. What the hell did he just do? This was different from everything else. This wasn't love. This wasn't feelings. This wasn't knowing that Cas wanted him. This was a sexual desire on a whole other playing field and he didn't know what to do with that. 

Then one thought popped into his head. One question. 

How the hell was he going to look at Cas the same? This was different now. This wasn't thinking about Cas and what Cas wanted to do to him. He knew Cas wanted him in every way possible. But Dean had been the one to imagine it. It shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't feel this way. 

The images pushed forward again. The same ones he had gotten off to and he instantly felt his cock twitch in arousal. Shit. This feeling wasn't going away any time soon.

Something, anything, needed to give. But what? He couldn't do that with Cas. Even if Dean was up for it, which his cock might as well be screaming a yes at him, Cas was in love with him and would want more than a quick fuck. He couldn't break his heart any more. So he needed to get over these urges, needed to push it as far away as humanly possible. He couldn't have Cas, not in that way. It wasn't just that he didn't want to hurt him any more, he also couldn't do it to himself. He wasn't gay. He wasn't into men. How many times had he told himself that in the past twelve hours? 

He smacked the back of his head against the wall and groaned. He had no idea what to do next or how to get rid of this feeling. Cas had broken him. That was it. A surge of anger filled him. Anger at his best friend for doing this to him. He narrowed his eyes. This was all Cas's fault.

He stood and brushed himself off and with a new sense of determination he walked down the alley, throwing the used condom into the dumpster. Now he was royally pissed. How dare he do this to him? What gives him the right to fuck him up like this? 

He pulled open the door of the Impala and climbed in. He smashed his hands onto the steering wheel and screamed in a furious outburst. He wasn't going to let Cas get away with this. He was going to show him that no matter what he shouldn't have said what he said. 

Cas was going to regret ever loving him and he was going to make sure of that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has supported this story so far. 
> 
> Here's the fourth instalment. I will try and update the next chapter in a couple of days.
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you all think. Thanks.

Castiel didn't want to return to the Winchesters, to Dean, but he had no choice. There was an immediate threat to their lives, to his life and it couldn't be ignored. The early morning sun shone brightly down, bouncing off the Impala's shining surface, blinding anyone who would walk past. Castiel stared at the blue closed motel door with a heavy heart. What he'd seen last night hadn't left him. It was with him, everywhere he went. It was with him when he closed his eyes, the image permanently ingrained onto his brain. There was no escaping it. 

He didn't know how he was suppose to get past this. He didn't know how he was suppose to act around Dean any more. The best thing to do was to get rid of these feelings, another thing he didn't know how to do. He hated not knowing

He closed his eyes as the uncertainty washed through him, gulping hard. The image of Dean with that woman slid through to his closed lids. He had looked so happy, so him. Castiel knew he had messed with Dean, knew he had probably tilted his grounded life onto its axis and Castiel hated himself for it. He knew Dean saw how his rejection had hurt him, and in turn it had hurt Dean as well. 

Castiel sprang his eyes open as the thought forced its way through. He couldn't keep hurting Dean like this. The only way for Dean to push past these unsettling emotions was for Dean to know that this wasn't affecting Castiel. It was the only way. 

So Castiel pushed his feelings down deep. He slid a cool, emotionless mask upon his features. This was the way for Dean to be free. This is what Dean needed. It was going to hurt Castiel, of course it was, but he wasn't not going to let it show. This was for Dean. 

With a new resolve, he made his way to the motel door and knocked twice. He heard some shuffling coming from inside and Castiel allowed one more moment of weakness. One last time to show how much pain he was in. The handle on the door turned and he slipped the mask back over his features. 

Sam was standing in the door way, his hair a mess from where he'd been asleep, his eyes were tired and his mouth set in a grim line. His dark green t-shirt hung loosely, as did his navy blue jogging bottoms. “Morning, Cas,” he grumbled sleepily. He moved out of the way to let Castiel enter the room. 

The room itself was shrouded in darkness from where the curtains were still closed. Both beds were unmade and he caught sight of several bottles of beer dotting the room. His eyes drifted to the kitchen area where Dean was standing, back to him. He held his one hand in his head and Castiel could only assume he was nursing a viscous hangover.

He allowed his eyes to linger for too long, then he realised what he was suppose to be doing. Keeping his feelings hidden, keeping the mask of cool indifference. He averted his eyes to Sam who was now sitting at the small round table, laptop open. 

“Have you told him?” he asked Sam. Sam looked up at him, annoyance clear on his face. 

“No. He wasn't exactly in the right state to have a conversation with. Still isn't.” 

A groan rumbled from the kitchen and Cas looked back over. He allowed his own annoyance to swim to the surface. He strode over to him as he watched Dean grab a beer. It was way to early for this and he needed Dean to have a clear head for this conversation. He reached around him and grabbed the cold beer from his hands. Dean startled and settled angry eyes on him. 

“What the hell?” 

Castiel ignored him and poured the beer down the sink. When he landed his eyes on Dean he watched as Dean went from angry to confused. He couldn't see what keeping this mask up meant for Castiel and he really did try to keep the annoyance in his eyes. “We have a serious situation here and all you can do is drink yourself into oblivion.” He watched Dean's eyes narrow in on him but before he could say anything Castiel was already striding towards Sam. 

After Dean followed, Sam started to explain what Castiel had told him. Dean's eyes widened slightly, darting from one person to the next. “Well, that's a load of crap. You can't seriously believe the bitch, Cas.” 

Cas narrowed his eyes slightly. “It doesn't matter whether I believe it or not. We wouldn't be very smart to ignore it, would we?” 

Dean glanced at his brother. “What do you think we should do?”

“I think we should continue on the case like nothings changed. We'll just have to be more vigilant.” 

Dean nodded in agreement, chewing his bottom lip in thought. Castiel allowed his eyes to wander down to his mouth, a shot of arousal shot into his stomach at the sight. With a whispered sigh he turned his back on it. “Do you not agree, Cas?” Sam asked, unaware of what he was actually sighing about. 

Castiel didn't turn around, instead he just gazed at the fading blue wallpaper of the motel room. “No, I don't. But we don't have any other options at the moment.” 

A clap sounded through the room. “Great. I'll go get showered and then we can discuss what our next move should be,” Dean spoke with an overly cheery voice and it didn't settle well with Castiel. But he didn't allow himself to react to it. He couldn't. This was for Dean. That's what he needed to keep telling himself. This was for Dean.

The sound of the door closing signalled Dean's departure. That was when he turned to face Sam. Sam was eyeing him suspiciously but didn't say anything. Castiel was grateful. He didn't want to come up with any excuses for his detached behaviour.

He glanced at the closed bathroom door as he heard the shower running. His broken heart rattled around inside of him. This was for Dean. It didn't matter how he felt on the matter. This was for Dean. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

He watched Cas pacing the length of the room. Sam was now in the shower and it was just the two of them. He thought about going out and getting breakfast but he didn't seem to have the energy. The hangover he'd been nursing had dulled to a small ache now and he found himself able to think a little bit clearer. The silence was uncomfortable and he found himself needing to break it. 

“You don't need to worry, me and Sam will be fine.” It was barely a whisper but it made Cas cease his incessant pacing.

Cas turned to face him. His eyes were cold and dark and his features showed no signs of what he was thinking. It made Dean swallow hard at the sight. Something had changed in Cas and he didn't think it was anything good. “I always worry.” That one simple sentence held so much meaning. It unnerved Dean. While the words were meant to be heavy, his face didn't soften, his eyes stayed hard and detached. 

“Same here.” He allowed his voice to soften a little. Allowed his eyes to show he meant those words, that no matter what they were both going through, nothing would change. He'd expected Cas to soften his gaze, he always did. A pain shot through his chest when Cas just nodded simply and turned back to his pacing. What the hell? He knew he'd hurt Cas, knew they were both hurting, but why the hell was he acting this way?

In a way this made him angry and frustrated. He'd promised himself that he was going to make him regret his feelings for him, to wish that he had never fallen in love with him. But when he'd seen Cas for the first time since he'd made that decision, he had been taken off guard by the emotionless expression on his face. It reminded him of when they'd first met. When he was still tied to heaven. When he still followed heaven's orders. 

After experiencing this cold indifference he wanted nothing more to see the warm look in his eyes again, to see the love and comfort they could hold. He couldn't help it, the desire to know was too strong. “Everything okay?” His voice sounded weak and broken and he hated himself for it.

Cas spun round and faced him, his eyes showing frustration. “Don't ask stupid questions, Dean.” Dean watched him heave in a sigh. He expected Cas to show the pain he was in because of Dean's rejection. But he didn't show anything. “Yet again, all our lives are in danger. So, no, everything is not okay.”

Dean slid off his bed but made sure he kept his distance. “Are we okay?” He needed to make sure. He needed to make sure he hadn't lost Cas for good. As much as he hated it, he needed him, just as much as he needed Sam, if not more. 

Cas rolled his eyes. “No, Dean. We are not okay. Our lives are in danger.” 

Realisation hit him full force then. He was avoiding anything do with the thing between them. He was avoiding his feelings, he was avoiding the rejection, he was avoiding any type of closeness between them. His eyes widened and he stumbled back at the look of annoyance on Cas's face. The pain in his chest expanded as his legs hit the end of the bed. He sat down abruptly. The tears sprang to his eyes, blurring his vision, and he had to bite back a muffled groan. This hurt. This hurt more than anything. He didn't know why this hurt him so much and he didn't want to know why. He couldn't think past the pain that had ignited within him. 

Cas watched slowly. He heaved a sigh. “Dean, after we have dealt with the angels. I will leave you alone. For good.”

Dean watched as Cas disappeared. That was when the tears finally flowed over and down his cheeks. He didn't know what he was suppose to do. He didn't know how to make this right. He didn't know what this pain meant. He couldn't stop the silent tears from flowing. He darted his eyes around the room in a last ditch effort to find the answers he needed. 

The bathroom door sounded and as quick as he could he wiped the tears away with his hand. Sam stopped dead in his tracks as he caught the sight of his brother, worry and confusion on his face. 

“Don't,” he growled out before his brother could say anything. With his heart heavy in his chest, he made his way over to the motel table and poured himself a whisky. He only turned to whisky when he was in great turmoil. Everyone knew that. But he didn't care. He needed to ease the pain, if only just for a little while. This may be it. The realisation hit him. He's lost Cas for good. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Castiel hadn't gone far. He was leaning against the Impala, arms crossed, his brows furrowed in anguish. He hadn't meant what he'd said to Dean. He wasn't going to leave. He could never leave Dean, no matter how much pain he was in. But he was just tired of it. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of Dean not wanting to talk about it, then suddenly jabbing at it till it bled. That's what was happening now. He was bleeding on the inside and no matter what he did he couldn't stop it. He pictured the way Dean had looked at him, the agony that had played across his face. 

Castiel closed his eyes as his own agony tangled within him. He had wanted Dean to hurt. He had wanted Dean to feel just a tiny sliver of what he himself was feeling. But now he had time to think about it, he hadn't liked it and regret was now filling him to the brim. The whole point of showing Dean his indifference was to prevent causing Dean any more pain, and in the end, he did the complete opposite. 

A loud crash echoed from Sam and Dean's motel room. Without stopping to think about it, he vanished and reappeared inside the room. His eyes caught sight of Sam first, standing up against the wall, his eyes were wide in shock. More banging. He glanced around to find Dean smashing through the room. Rage flowing off him, his shoulders heaving with each breath. 

Castiel glanced at Sam again. His upper lip was swollen where Dean had clearly hit him. Sam must of tried to stop him. He looked back at Dean who was now smashing his foot into the night stand. Castiel couldn't hold back any more. “Dean.” 

Dean froze. He turned angry eyes on him. His chest was rising and falling fast. Castiel's shattered heart was breaking into even more pieces if that was even possible. Tears were streaming down Dean's face. 

“Dean,” he spoke cautiously taking a small step towards him. Castiel had forgotten all about trying to keep his mask cool and calculated. Instead he allowed all the pain to show, all the sorrow he was feeling for both of them, all the love and understanding. 

Dean's eyes softened too, but only for a moment, then they hardened again. Without saying a word, he stormed out of the room. Castiel flinched at the sound of the door slamming shut. This was bad. This was far worse than he had originally thought. This was tearing Dean in two. 

It was settled then. He couldn't ignore this any longer. They needed to talk about this. Dean needed to know where he stood with them now. Castiel needed to make it known what his expectations were. But first he needed to wait for Dean to calm down. There was no point in trying to talk with him when Dean was in this mood. So instead, he healed Sam's lip and went about fixing the room up with his powers. That's all he could do for the moment. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

All he could hear was the blood pumping in his ears, his heart beating erratically in his chest. He ran his hands through his short hair, gripping tightly, trying to relieve the pressure of the pain that was rattling around inside him. Distantly he heard the motel room door slam shut and silently he prayed that it wasn't Cas. He couldn't bear to see him. Not now. The tears continued to flow and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't stop them. 

“Dean?” It was his brother. He didn't know if he could deal with Sam either. “Talk to me.” Sam's voice was gentle. 

He shook his head, hoping his brother got the sign that he couldn't, not yet, maybe not ever. He heard a sigh from behind him. Dean pulled harder at his hair. 

“Maybe he'll talk to you.” The sound of footsteps fading away before the door shut again. He knew who it was, knew it was Cas before looking at him. He still needed the conformation though. Pain hit him again when he saw the misery in those blue eyes. Releasing his hair, he backed up to the Impala and slid down it. And damn, the tears were still flowing. He wanted to hide, he wanted to run, but he couldn't pull his focus away from the man standing over him. 

Dean watched as Cas approached him, crouching in front of him and still he couldn't tear his gaze away. Now he could feel his heart striking against his rib cage with unsteady thumps. He parted his lips to accommodate shallow breaths. 

“I'm sorry.” Cas's voice was barley a whisper and the words made Dean freeze, his eyes searching the man before him. “I should never of said anything.” 

Anger was starting to push its way forward again. Why the hell was he apologising? An apology has never fixed anything before, its never made him feel better. But he couldn't get angry, not yet. He needed answers and he wouldn't get them if he was angry. “Why… Why did you then?” His voice cracked with emotion, begging him to answer. 

Cas looked to his feet, frowning. “Because… Because the way you and Sam were talking… You had made it sound like I wasn't… I wasn't capable.” Cas looked up, begging for understanding. He couldn't understand though. The anger was being pushed away by the confusion. 

“Capable?” 

“Of falling in love. I got… angry and I…” He stood, turning his back to Dean. Dean contemplated if he should follow, but chose not to. Cas probably needed his space and he definitely did. “I'm sorry,” Cas turned back around, tears now flowing freely down his face. “I'm sorry for telling you. I'm sorry I've ruined our friendship. I'm just… sorry.”

Dean's heart broke for him. Through all his confusion and all his running away and being angry, he'd forgotten that Cas was hurting. It was obvious that Dean was rejecting him, and yet, not once had he thought about how Cas was feeling. He wiped his tears away with the palm of his hand and stood. Cas watched him warily.

“Same here.” Cas cocked his head to the side, confusion in his eyes now. “I was being a dick.” Without thinking too much about it, he wrapped his arms around Cas's neck and pulled him in tightly. He could feel the tension in his muscles but after a moment, he felt arms wrapping around his waist. Cas buried his face into his neck and he could feel the wet tears burning his skin. 

Why hadn't he done this to begin with? Why hadn't he given Cas the comfort he needed. Slow realisation came to him. This is what he needed. He needed this comfort. The comfort that his brother couldn't give him. He in turn buried his face into Cas's neck. He deeply inhaled the smell that was just Cas, and this alone was enough to comfort him. A few tears escaped as the pain that had been clawing at his insides slowly eased off. Yes, this was what he needed.

He needed Cas.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I was currently writing another chapter to this story and it just kept getting me frustrated. It was a right pain to write. Hopefully the wait was worth it. Please tell me what you think. I look forward to hearing your feedback. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has supported me and this story so far. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Cas was the first to pull away and Dean instantly felt the loss of his warm body. He allowed his arms to drop to his sides as he eyed Cas warily. Cas turned his back to him and Dean felt himself wondering what was going through his mind. Dean hoped beyond hope that this was them moving forward, that everything could go back to being normal. But then what is normal? Dean pretending he didn't know about Cas? Cas pretending he didn't know that he knew? God, his head was starting throb.

As much as he wanted to initiate Cas into a conversation, to ask him if he was okay, he kept his mouth tightly shut, giving Cas the space he needed for the moment. When Cas finally turned back around, his eyes were cautious. He stared into Dean's eyes and Dean gulped past the lump in his throat. Perhaps there was no way to get past this. Perhaps this was the end and the sooner they both realised it the better. But he didn't want it to be the end. He needed Cas so much and he hoped that Cas needed him too. 

When Cas spoke, Dean was taken aback by the softness of his voice. Dean was so use to the gruffness he didn't quite know how to react to this change in tone. “It's okay, Dean.” It took Dean a little longer than it should have to register the words. 

“What is?” He tried to match the gentle tone Cas had used, but was unsure if he managed it. The blood was ringing in his ears, his heart was pounding, his mouth was dry and his palms became sweaty. He was nervous. Nervous of what Cas was going to say next. Nervous that Cas was going to leave and not come back. He didn't know if he could deal with another loss. 

Cas's eyes darted to the floor, his brows furrowing as though he was trying to work out how to phrase what was to come next. Dean tried to prepare himself for the blow that was to surely follow. When Cas looked back into his eyes, Dean needed to muffle his deep intake of breath. Cas held a new determination, a determination that he'd never seen in those blue eyes before. 

“I don't expect anything from you, Dean, and that's okay. I'm okay with going on as though nothing has changed. Pretending. I've become quite use to it over the years.” 

Panic flared itself within Dean. Was he about to close himself off from all emotions? “I… I don't understand.” He thought he understood, he needed Cas to confirm it for him. He needed Cas to say it. 

Cas sighed. “You and me, we can remain friends. I hope. I just need you to know that I don't expect anything from you. It's my problem and I will get past it.” 

Dean felt a stab at his chest. A thought pushed forward, a thought that made him uncomfortable. He didn't want Cas to get past it. He wanted to take the sadness from his eyes by pushing him up against the Impala and kissing all their worries away. But like the chicken he is, he pushes the urge deep down, ignoring it as best he could. 

Dean found himself nodding in agreement and that little voice was yelling at him for being a dick. Cas nodded back and smiled weakly at him. Dean returned the smile and before Dean could say anything Cas was gone. He fought against the urge to call him back, feeling the emptiness within him. Cas needed to do this and Dean needed to let him. It was the only way for things to become normal again. 

Dean didn't know how long he stood staring at the spot where Cas had been standing, but eventually he turned away and pushed forward to the motel room. He knew he was going to get question after question from Sam. As much as he wanted to run away from it all, he also knew that he needed to get it over with. Sam needed to know he was okay and Dean needed to apologise for hitting him. With a deep breath, he pushed the door open. 

The room was clean and back to normal. Cas must have used his angel mojo on the place. The thought of Cas sent a small twinge through his chest and he tried to push it away. His eyes caught Sam, who was sat with his laptop open. His brother's worried eyes sprang to his immediately. But Sam didn't say anything, just watched him cautiously. Dean didn't know whether to be relieved and grateful or pissed that Sam wasn't the one broaching the subject this time. 

“Sorry.” Dean avoided his brother's eyes. He hated any touchy-feely conversations, but he needed to do this, for Sam. “Sorry for busting your lip.” 

He heard Sam sigh and the sound of the laptop clicking shut. “Wanna talk about it?” 

Dean shook his head. “If it's okay with you, I'd rather just forget about it.” His eyes caught Sam's and he instantly regretted it. His brother was looking torn between being concerned and pissed as hell. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah. Cas and me had a chat. All's good now, Sammy.” 

Sam nodded and Dean felt relief at the sign of his brother actually dropping the subject. “I'll go grab some breakfast and then we can get back to the case.” 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Dean wanted to think that things had completely and utterly gone back to normal after the conversation with Cas. It seemed to have gone back to normal. Cas was being… Cas. The bond he shared with Cas was still there and they were able to talk with each other as though nothing had changed. But every time Dean looked at him, he could see the hurt clear as day behind his blue eyes. This in turn hurt Dean. He hated how hurt Cas was. He hated that he couldn't do anything to ease the angel of his torment. He wasn't really all that surprised to find Cas was still in pain. Nobody got over being in love that quickly. He just wished he could help. 

Dean had come to the conclusion that he was most definitely attracted to Cas. He'd gotten off to sexual thoughts about him for Christ's sake. He'd be a fool not to admit this to himself. But he had to keep it all bottled up. He wasn't in love with Cas. Would probably never be in love with him. If Dean acted on these thoughts then it would only hurt Cas so much more and he couldn't do that to the guy. He couldn't cause him any more pain. He was already in too deep as it was. 

It had been three weeks since the conversation in the motel parking lot. The angel had been dealt with, but more had popped up. It seemed there was a whole group of them trying to get their attention. Trying to get Cas's attention. This worried Dean. He worried for his best friend. What if he was hurt again, or worse, died again. Dean needed him and he couldn't imagine not having him there. 

They had now moved on from there motel and they were moving on to the next town that had another angel attack. The Impala was quiet, the darkness seeping in through the windows. His brother was asleep in the passenger seat, his head leaning against the glass. Cas was in the back seat, sulking. Cas had wanted to go on and start investigating to get a head start. Dean had completely dismissed the idea, saying they should stay together, so if there was an attack they'd be able to fight it off better with the three of them. They'd argued for all of ten minutes before Sam finally put his opinion across. He'd agreed with Dean. That had finally swayed Cas to oblige, didn't mean he had to like it though. 

Dean swung his gaze to the rear view mirror and caught Cas's blue eyes with his own. He hadn't been expecting Cas to be watching him and it instantly threw him off. Those blue eyes held so much anger within them and he knew it had nothing to do with those pesky feelings the guy had. He was still angry at being outnumbered.

Fidgeting slightly in his seat, he gripped the steering wheel tighter and felt the urge to break the tension between them. “How are you doing, Cas?” 

Cas rolled his eyes and Dean immediately remembered he should be watching the road. He swung his gaze back to the darkness ahead and waited a reply. “I'm angry, Dean. I still think I should have gone on ahead. This is too slow, and time is of the essence.”

Dean sighed. “That's not what I meant,” he mumbled more to himself than to Cas, but Cas seemed to have heard him. He shot his eyes back to the angel in the back of his car and gasped in a lungful of air at the look he saw. The anger was completely gone and the pain was back. He hadn't meant to upset him, hadn't meant to bring up Cas's feelings towards him. He hadn't meant it like that. He had meant in general, not about anything in particular. But of course Cas would connect the two, the question and his feelings. 

“Stop the car, Dean.” His voice was barely audible over the engine. Dean knitted his brows together but complied. Just before the car had come to a stop at the side of the road, Cas was jumping out of the backseat. 

Dean felt his heart constrict in pain for the guy. He was really hurting over this and Dean had never felt so completely useless as he did in that moment. He eyed Cas's back. Should he follow? Perhaps he should get him to talk to him.

Without fully thinking it through, he was out of the car and striding towards Cas. Cas didn't turn or acknowledge his presence. Dean leaned against the car next to his best friend and eyed him cautiously from the corner of his eye. Cas had his eyebrows furrowed in confusion… or was it pain? His head tilted to the side. He was clearly trying to work something out, the pain was now masked with confusion. And god didn't he just love that look on him? It looked kind of adorable. 

Dean sucked in a sharp breath as that thought passed through his mind. That was the first time he'd ever thought something like that. He'd always thought as him as sexy, never adorable. The silence extended before him and he found he needed to break it again, if only to distract himself from his own thoughts. “Talk to me, Cas.” 

Cas looked at him then, surprised a little at his presence. He really had been deep in thought. He sighed and looked straight ahead at the expanse of darkened fields. “I'm trying, Dean.” 

“Trying?” Cas nodded as though that explained everything. Dean kept his eyes trained on the guy, not wanting to miss a single clue as to what he was thinking. “Trying what?”

Cas looked back at him again. The pain was back in his eyes and Dean had to force himself not to step away from it. “I'm trying to get over you, Dean.” 

Dean had to step away then. A fist had suckered punched him straight in the gut and suddenly he couldn't breath. Three weeks its been, and Cas has spent it trying to get over him. That thought scared him and he couldn't fathom why. Why did that bother him so much? He knew this was what Cas was doing, he'd said so in the motel car park. But there was something different about the way he had said it and it hurt Dean and he really couldn't wrap his head around why. When they were in the parking lot, it had hurt him then as well. But why? “Dean?” Cas's sorrowed filled voice drifted through to his ears knocking him out of his own thoughts. 

“Come on, we need to keep moving.” Before Cas could reply, he was already moving around the car to the drivers side and climbing in. As he started the engine again he heard the back door go and knew Cas was now back in his seat. 

Dean glanced at Cas and regretted it instantly. The angel was in so much pain. He knew he was running. He wasn't running from Cas or the talk about his feelings or anything. He was running from what he, himself, was feeling. He didn't know why it hurt so much to know that Cas was trying to get over him. This was what he wanted, wasn't it? He wanted Cas to be happy, he wanted things to return to normal again. So why did this hurt? 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

He really was trying. Trying to get over Dean was harder than he ever thought it would be. He knew he needed to do this, to move on. Not just for Dean though, although that's what kept him going. He needed to do this for himself. He felt the darkness surrounding him, swallowing him whole. There seemed to be no end to the pain he was in and he simply just didn't know how to cope any more. Normally he would go to Dean for guidance and clearly he couldn't do that, not about this. Dean would listen, he would be a friend, of course he would, but he would also look at Castiel with pity and sorrow. Castiel didn't want Dean to feel sorry for him, not about this. He just needed to forget for a while. 

The thought had come to him, he would be lying if he said it hadn't. He could leave. Get some space, some perspective, away from the Winchesters. But they were still hunting the angels down and he couldn't leave the brothers in the lurch like that, especially when it was his fault to begin with. He needed time away from Dean, he knew that was probably how he was going to get over his feelings for the man, but now was not the time. 

It was early morning when Dean pulled the Impala into a motel car park and Castiel almost sighed in relief. He didn't know how he managed to stifle it, but he was glad he did. Yet again, he didn't want to alert Dean to the pain he was in. He climbed out of the car quickly, wanting to escape the tension from within. Sam followed, stretching and yawning, having woken up only ten minutes ago. Dean climbed out after, completely blanked the both of them and moved to the reception area of the motel. 

Sam furrowed his brows in worry and looked at Castiel. Castiel just about managed to keep his face stony and impassive, not wanting to alert the younger Winchester of anything being wrong. Dean would most definitely not want Sam to find out about any of this. Dean returned a few minuets later, a key in his hand, Sam grabbed their bags and Castiel followed them both into their room. 

“Sam, you can start the research and I'm going to sleep.” He threw the keys onto the motel table and collapsed onto the bed. He hadn't looked at Castiel and this worried him. Had he said something wrong? Done something wrong? Maybe it was their conversation last night, maybe it had upset Dean in some way. But why would it? Dean didn't share Castiel's feelings. Surely he would want Castiel to get over them as quickly as he could. 

“Actually, I'm going to grab some breakfast. Want anything?” Sam asked, grabbing the Impala's keys. Dean shook his head. Castiel watched as Sam showed concern for his brother. He was starting to sense something was up and Dean would not allow his brother to go poking around. 

“Get him some pie, Sam. I'm sure he wouldn't be too tired to eat that.” Sam laughed at that and agreed. Castiel could feel Dean's eyes burning a hole through him, but he forced himself to keep his eyes glued to Sam. Sam walked out, shutting the door behind him. Eventually, Cas turned to face Dean who was still watching him. 

“I'm not hungry,” he growled out through clenched teeth. 

Castiel gulped. He'd made Dean angry. Pushing his feelings aside, he spoke in his usual calm, gruff voice. “Sam was starting to notice.” This had Dean frowning. Confusion maybe? “He was starting to notice something was wrong with you.” 

“Yeah, I'm tired,” he mumbled. 

“That's not it. You and I both know that.”  
,   
Dean stood, anger rolling off of him. Castiel refused to back down. He knew he was in the right and if Dean couldn't control his emotions, then that was his problem. He allowed his own anger to surface. Anger he didn't realise he was holding onto. What was he angry at exactly? Maybe it was the fact that Dean didn't think he was capable of love, maybe he was angry at himself for allowing all of this come to come to light, or maybe it was the fact that Dean was acting childish over some pie, or maybe it was all of the above. 

“I don't need you to make decisions for me, Cas.” 

“You know what will happen. You refuse to eat, Sam will know something is going on with you. He will prod and prod until eventually you tell him… something. So stop being childish and grow up, Dean.” Dean's eyes widened in alarm, but Castiel wasn't done. The anger was giving him some false confidence. But more than that he'd had enough of the pain in his chest, constantly feeling it, constantly feeling like he was drowning in his own grief. “Don't forget, you're not the one who's constantly hurting.” 

He turned from him then, regret filling him. He shouldn't have said that, he knew that, but there was no going back. He was too busy wallowing in his own self pity that he missed the whispered reply. He turned sharply, eyes narrowing. “What?” 

Dean sighed, all the fight leaving him. “I said, I am hurting.” 

Castiel's heart stopped and his breathing slowed. No he didn't want Dean to hurt. That's why he was trying to get over him. He shook his head. “Why?” He knew why but he needed Dean to say it, to say that it was all because of Castiel's feelings.

Dean slumped back onto the bed, defeated. He wasn't looking at Castiel any more. He had his arms on his legs, hands clasped and his gaze trained at the floor. Castiel waited patiently. Finally,”I can't tell you. It will just hurt you more.” 

All the anger had now completely vanished, leaving Castiel confused. Did he really want to know what Dean was thinking? Especially if it hurt him? Yes, yes he did. “I can take it, Dean. I need to know why your hurting.” Surely it was because of Castiel's feelings. Maybe he was going to ask him to leave. That wouldn't hurt as much as Dean thinks it would. Castiel would feel relief. Maybe he should just put Dean out of his misery. 

Dean shook his head again and closed his eyes. Castiel itched to move closer to him, to comfort him but he couldn't. He opened his mouth to say that he understood and he would leave immediately but Dean spoke first. “I don't know why. I can't come up with any reasons behind it.” He looked up at Cas, confusion and anguish written in his green eyes. “I don't want you to get your hopes up. I don't even know what it means. But… it hurt. I'd never felt anything like it.” 

He fell silent and Castiel couldn't breath. What hurt? Had he been wrong about why Dean was hurting. He wanted to ask so much but he stayed silent, waiting for Dean to come to terms with whatever he was about to say. 

“It hurt when you said you were trying to get over me.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has commented, left Kudos and bookmarks. They do mean a lot to me. 
> 
> Here's the next chapter! Enjoy!

Blood.

Crimson, metallic, thick. 

In large pools on the stone carpeted floor. 

So much. So much blood. 

There was no way any one could survive that amount of blood loss. 

A groan. 

A pain filled groan. 

Castiel shot his concerned blue eyes to the sound. His breath hitched and panic filled him to the brim. Frozen to the spot. 

So much blood. 

Panic pushing him, he rushed over to the broken, bloody body on the ground, crouching down, yelling his name. He lifted his head, searched the green eyes before him. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't leave now. Not now. Castiel didn't know if he could survive without him. 

Pressing a hand over the broken chest, his palm glowing. He wasn't healing. Why wasn't he healing? This should work. It has to work. It needs to work. He couldn't lose him now. 

A voice yelling behind him. He knew that voice. But he couldn't think. Couldn't register it. All he could think about was the dying man before him. He couldn't lose him. Not like this. Not after everything they'd been through. 

Strong hands pulling him back. Lips moving. Saying something. Those same hands picked up the wounded man. Castiel thought about stopping him, but something was telling him to let Sam do this. To let him take his brother somewhere safe. He needed to follow. Needed stay by Dean's side. Needed to beg him not leave him. Not like this. 

His eyes darted around the motel room. Landing on the dead angel. There was no black echoes of wings. Just a dead woman with blonde hair and pale skin. The angel blade was still protruding from her chest, having pierced her pale blue blouse. He took in a shuddering breath. Logic needed to win the war that had raged inside of him. This needed to be dealt with. Sam was taking care of Dean. Dean would be okay. He needed to be. He had to be. 

He forced himself to move. Forced himself to clean up the mess. To dispose of the body. To clean the blood. Dean's blood. All of it Dean's blood. Why couldn't he heal him? Why couldn't he do that one thing? All of this… his fault. All his fault. 

The hospital smelled of the sick and the dying. Machines beeped, people talked, doctors rushed around. Sam was hunched on a chair in the waiting room. His eyes puffy and red. No! Dean can't be dead. Not now. Not after… 

Sam looked up at his presence. “It doesn't look good, Cas.” 

Castiel fell then. The pain of losing Dean finally knocking him over. He clutched at his chest, the tears finally coming. This wasn't fair. He needed to go to him. Needed to try and heal him again. Sam stood abruptly, making Castiel jump. He looked up at the doctor that had approached them. He couldn't make out what they were saying, the blood pumping in his ears was too loud. 

He looked back at the floor, watching, fascinated by the drops of tears landing on the tiles. A hand on his shoulder. Sorrow filling Sam's eyes. “He's stable, for now.” 

Castiel still couldn't move. Dean hadn't survived yet. He was still in danger. The waiting begins. 

Two days had passed and still Dean wasn't out of the woods yet. Still a chance he could die. And all Castiel could do was play the scene over and over in his mind. Dean telling him he was hurting too. That he didn't know why. That it hurt to know Castiel was trying to get over him. He remembered all the questions he wanted to fire at him, he remembered being thrown back into the wall. Dean jumping from the bed, about to attack the angel. The angel got there first. Dean being beaten. The angel yelling that he'd corrupted him. Tainted him. Castiel had tried to intervene, tried to pull her off him. He needed to save Dean. 

She threw him again. Looking up. Dean stabbed, through the chest, too close to the heart. Rage filled him. Stabbing the angel. She dropped. And so did Dean. 

He blinked back the tears. He couldn't think about this any more. He looked at the man in the hospital bed. The man he loved with all his heart. It didn't matter if Dean didn't love him back. He didn't care about any of that any more. He just needed him to open his eyes. He just needed to see those green orbs. He would give up everything and anything for that. 

Sam appeared at his side. He hadn't slept. He hadn't eaten. Too worried about his brother. He was worried too. His heart jolted in his chest. What if Dean died? What if all this waiting was just a way to torment him? To punish him? To punish all of them? No, this was his fault and only his fault. The Winchesters didn't need to be punished. They were good, brave and kind. 

“No change?” Sam had been to shower. He'd always ask the same question every time he left, and he'd always know the answer, but needing to hear it all the same. Castiel simply shook his head. Sam placed himself on the opposite side of the bed. 

Dean's hand was cold. Gripping it tighter, he couldn't hold it back no more. “Come back to me,” he whispered unaware of Sam's penetrating wide-eyed look. “Please, you can't leave me like this.” Another tear. He was really getting sick of all these tears. “Dean?” His voice turned croaky, thick with the pain he was feeling. Leaning his head on the hunter's arms, he finally allowed the sobs to rack his body, he finally lost control. 

Eight days. Castiel hadn't cried in two. His body now numb. No more pain. Acceptance. Dean wasn't going to come back. The doctors were saying it would be best to turn of the machines. Castiel wouldn't let them. Not yet he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to let go. He wasn't ready to feel all that pain again. 

Sam staring at him. He ignored it and gripped Dean's hand once more. 

Thirty days. Sam had started eating again. Started sleeping again. Started leaving Dean's side for longer periods. Castiel hadn't moved. Can't bring himself too. It's a limbo. It's time now. He knew this. Knew that the machines needed to be switched off. He told Sam. Sam nodded and went to fetch a doctor. He couldn't bring himself to take his eyes off Dean. Sam signed papers. The doctor moved to the machines. This was it. “Wait.” The first word he'd spoken in too long. His voice was raw and his throat scratchy. The doctor paused, his hand hovering over the switches. He could feel both the doctors and Sam's eyes burning through him. But he needed to say goodbye. 

He bent his head to Dean's, his breath brushing the hunter's cold skin. Softly, he placed a kiss to Dean's dry ones. The tears falling again. “I love you.” A whisper. He gripped the hunter's hand again. Squeezed. 

A squeeze. He looked down at their hands linked together from his hovering position. Frowned. Castiel squeezed again. Another squeeze back. Dean had squeezed his hand. Castiel's heart jolted in a nervous excitement. 

“That's strange,” the doctor mumbled. Castiel stood, not letting go of Dean, not ready too. “His heart beat jumped a little.”

“What does that mean?” Sam asked, hope in his voice. He shouldn't hope, not yet. It had been too long since he'd seen Dean's eyes, since he'd heard his beautiful voice. He couldn't hope yet. 

A groan from the bed. 

All eyes trained on the man in the bed. 

Another groan. 

The doctor moved quickly. Tending to his patient. Calling his name. 

Castiel couldn't move. Couldn't breath. Was he waking? Was he finally going to see those eyes? 

A flutter of his eye lids. 

The doctor was feeding him water through a straw. Where did he get it? 

Green eyes. Not looking at him, looking at Sam. A crooked smile. He should let go of Dean. Should allow Dean and Sam to have this moment. Sam whispered his brother's name. 

Panic filled those green eyes. “C-Cas?” It was a croak from not having used it in a while, but to Castiel it was the most beautiful sound in the world. 

“H-here, Dean.” 

His eyes shot to his. Relief. Happiness. Castiel squeezed his hand and Dean squeezed back. 

The doctor, “Please, leave us. I need to examine him.” 

Sam had to practically drag Castiel out of the room. His mind still hadn't caught up. Dean was alive. Dean was alive. Dean was alive. His heart started beating again. The pain of nearly losing him hitting him full force, but it was outweighed by the happiness he was feeling. 

Dean was alive. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Too much prodding. Too much time to think. 

The doctor had finally finished his examination, says he's doing better than he should be, but hey, who's complaining, right? He says he needs him to stay in the hospital for a couple of days, just for monitoring. Dean hated the idea, tried to argue it. The doctor is having none of it. Sam pushed into the room after hearing the commotion. Dean was still yelling at the god damn doctor. He can't stay here, he just can't. His eyes catch his brothers, pleading, begging him to take his side on this. A few moments pass, and he realised that Sam isn't going to be on his side on this one. He continued to yell at the doctor, at Sam, at anyone who will listen. 

Blue eyes catch his. Dean fell silent. His mouth clamping shut. Gulping nervously. Cas wasn't going to be on his side either. “Dean, you almost died. It's best if you stay.” 

All Dean can do is nod. He's nervous. He flicks his eyes back to the doctor, not wanting them to stay trained on the angel for too long. The doctor re-inserting the drip that Dean had ripped out during his tantrum. A sharp scratch and its all done. The doctor leaves, followed by the nurse, the nurse he hadn't even noticed till now. He frowned in confusion. His eyes followed her out. She was hot, so why hadn't he noticed her? Usually she would have been the first thing he'd noticed. 

Sam comes over to him, a nervous, crooked smile upon his face. Dean eyes him suspiciously. “What did the doctor say?” 

“I'm good. They're surprised at how fast I'm healing, want to keep me in for a couple of days to monitor.” 

Sam nodded. “Yeah, we got that last part.”

This is usually when he swings his gaze to Cas. He can't bring himself to do it. Why? It's only Cas. His best friend. Dean can feel the tension thickening in the small room. His throat starts to close up. Settling his head back against the fluffy white pillows, he closes his eyes, trying to regain control. 

“I'm going to go get a coffee. Want anything?” 

Panic flares up and he snaps his eyes open to stare at his brother, begging him without words. He doesn't want to be left alone with Cas. Not now, maybe not ever. He didn't trust himself. Didn't trust himself to not act on his urges. Didn't trust himself to bring up what he remembered, what he felt. Didn't trust himself to not ruin their friendship. 

Sam offers him a reassuring smile and leaves. Just like that. Gone. They're alone now and still Dean can't bring himself to look at the angel. He trains his eyes on the blanket covering his half naked body, burning a hole right through the material. Instantly he feels vulnerable. Exposed. He doesn't like that feeling. He's never felt it before and he really, really doesn't like it. 

“How are you, Dean?” He finally looks him in the eye. What he sees there almost takes his breath away. Love and understanding. His walls are completely down and somehow Dean feels very privileged to be a part of that.

“I'm fine. Bit sore, but other than that...” 

Electricity shoots through his hand as Cas grips it with his own. No, he can't take that. Far too quickly he snaps his hand away. He stares at it with wide eyes, shocked eyes. What the hell was that? Another feeling he's never experienced before. He brings his eyes back to Cas, regret and guilt fills him immediately. The love and understanding is gone, replaced by hurt and horror. No, he hadn't meant to hurt him, didn't want to. It just shocked him, that's all. He opened his mouth to explain just that. But nothing comes out, his mouth has dried up. He licks his lips, then tries again. 

“Don't, Dean. It's fine.” The angels voice is broken and hurt. 

“I-”

“I said it's fine. I will wait for Sam to return, then I will leave.” No. He doesn't want Cas to leave. It's a comfort to have him here. A different type of comfort to what Sam offers. 

“You don't have to, Cas.” His voice is also broken. Pain filled. Cas's eyes narrow, the pain still evident. 

“I have things to attend to anyway.” 

Dean wants to argue. Wants to keep him here. But Sam returns, a steaming coffee in hand. Cas says goodbye to Sam. Not to him. He doesn't even look in his direction. That hurts. Not because he can feel a gulf between them, but because he'd hurt Cas that much that he can't bring himself to even look at him. 

Sam nods and then Cas is gone. 

Emptiness. That's what he feels now. He wants to call him back, wants to hold him, tell him everything is going to be okay. But he doesn't. Can't. Doesn't want to hurt him again. Too much of a risk. 

Sam sits in a chair, sipping at his coffee. “What did you do?” 

Dean fakes a hurt look. Although he's not altogether sure it is fake. “Why do assume I've done something?”

Sam rolls his eyes. “He's gone.” As if that was suppose to explain everything. 

“He disappears all the time.” 

Another eye roll from his brother, another sip of his coffee. “Dean, we're not entirely sure you're completely healed. Just because the doctor says so doesn't mean anything. Especially not in our lives.” 

“And?” He was getting inpatient now. What the hell was he getting at?

“Cas is still worried.” Dean gestures for him to elaborate with a wave of his hand. “He hasn't left your side in thirty days, Dean.”

What? Course he has. He has angels to track down. A case to finish. He wouldn't abandon that, not if there was nothing he could do for Dean. He has a cell, Sam could call if there had been any change. “Sure he did. We have a case. Cas would want to track down every one of those sons of bitches.” 

“No, Dean. He cried non-stop for six days. After that he wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't acknowledge anyone. Begged for you to just open your eyes. He was drowning in grief.” Pain pulled at his heart. Shit. Had he really been broken up about his impending death? Sam wasn't finished. “The doctors wanted to turn of you monitors days ago. I agreed. There was no way you were going to make it. I'd come to accept it. Cas couldn't, wouldn't. He argued with me. I finally allowed it. Cas needed to wrap his head around it first. Today he finally agreed.”

Dean held up his hand. He couldn't hear any more. Didn't want to. The pain in his chest was squeezing at his heart now and he couldn't breath. Shit. The guy had been really broken up. He was probably relieved that Dean was awake and chatting away. Then he goes and hurt him like that. No wonder he wanted to leave. No wonder he didn't want to hear any excuses from him. 

For three days, Dean tried to call him. On the third day, he tried to pray. Hoping something was getting through to him. But he didn't show. Dean had gone from explaining how sorry he was, to getting angry at him for ignoring him for so long, then he went to pleading and begging. The tears finally came. He'd really fucked up and he didn't know how to fix this. He missed him so much, so much it hurt. He didn't know how long he could go on like this. 

On the fourth day the doctors allowed him to be discharged. For the first time since Cas had left, he cracked a smile, finally happy to be free of this prison. Sam helped him to the car. They drove straight back to the bunker. Finally, home. He thought about calling Cas, to inform the guy that he was home. But he knew he would be ignored. What was the point? Maybe later he would try. He needed a decent shower and a decent meal first. 

He did just that. When he returned to the main room, Sam was on the phone. He waited, listening, back turned to him. Didn't see Dean. 

“Okay. I will. Take care, Cas.” 

Dean choked on the pain that was now strangling him. He collapsed back against the wall. He was taking calls from his brother. He was purposely ignoring him. He didn't want to talk to him. Now he knew he'd fucked up. There was no going back to normal after this. He'd finally fucked up enough to lose his best friend. 

Sam turned with wide eyes as he spotted his brother. Dean had tears sliding down his cheeks, burning his flushed skin. “Dean?”

He shook his head and left Sam confused and alone. He couldn't be near his brother, not at the moment. He rushed to his room and took his anger out on the items inside. Crashing, smashing and banging his way through each object. Yelling, trying to relieve the pain that was clawing at his insides. He wasn't angry at his brother. He was just being a friend to the angel. He wasn't angry at Cas. He couldn't blame the guy for wanting to avoid him. No, he was angry with himself. Angry that he'd finally pushed the one person away that actually put up with all his shit, the one person who stayed by his side no matter what. Sam never did. He always ran, never being able to cope with the shit Dean provided. But Cas, Cas never did. Cas always stayed. But there was only so many times Dean could push Cas away before the angel finally had enough. 

He collapsed to the floor. The anger draining away, the tears falling faster than ever. Sobs shook his body. This was what true loss felt like. This wasn't like losing all his friends and family. This was a loss he'd never truly experienced before. 

This was the loss of someone he was most definitely, and hopelessly in love with.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all those who have commented, gave me kudos and bookmarks. Keep them coming please.

Love. 

Overwhelming love. 

His eyes widen in shock as the realisation came to him. Of course this is love. It all seems so obvious now. Why hadn't he seen it before? What happens now? Should he pray to Cas? Tell him? No, not like that. Never like that. Face to face. It had to be done with them in the same room at least. But should he tell him at all? He'd hurt the angel so much since he found out about Cas. He couldn't risk it again. But what's worse? Him never saying it and Cas thinking he doesn't return his feelings? Or saying it, allowing Cas to get in too deep before he finally really does irreversible damage to him? Shit. 

He wipes the tears from his face and pulls himself off the floor. He sweeps the room with his eyes. Completely trashed. He couldn't bring himself to care, not really. He needed a beer… or something stronger. His mind is still swirling with thoughts about his feelings and what he should do with them as he walks into the main room and grabs his whisky. He can feel Sam's eyes watching him, probably worried, but he couldn't care less. He needs a drink, he can judge all he wants. He pours himself a generous amount of whisky, keeping his back to his brother. He knows his eyes are all red and puffy from where he'd been crying and he knows Sam will jump all over that band-wagon the moment he turns. He takes a sip of the liquid, feeling it burn as it makes its way down, finally coming to a stop in his stomach, warming it. He let's out a pleasurable sigh at the feeling. 

“Hello, Dean.” 

His blood freezes in his veins, his whole body tenses, his heart hammers against his rib cage and his eyes bulge wide. He's here. But he didn't come to him, he went to Sam. Hurt fills him, making him stumble and the need to grab the desk pushes him forward. He drops his glass and he hears it smashing into a million pieces in the distance. His breaths are coming short and fast now. He looks at his death grip on the wood, his knuckles are white. He should let go, regain his composure, but he can't. His mind is churning with a thousand questions. Why is here? Why go to Sam and not him? Why did he ignore him for so long? Is he okay? Is he still hurting? 

It could have been hours, could have been minutes, he finally allows his grip to loosen and he turns slowly, afraid he imagined it. But he hadn't. Cas is stood next to Sam on the other side of the room, looking just like Cas. Trench coat, head tilt, confusion, the works. He almost jumped for joy. Almost. The anger was starting to invade his body now. “Where the hell have you been?”

He watches Cas flinch slightly, but he doesn't answer. Dean is not going to have that. He needs answers. Needs to know why? Sam places a hand on Cas's shoulder and jealousy surges through him. Not because he thinks anything is going on between them, it wouldn't be like that. But because his brother's bond with the angel is still in tact while Dean's is fucked. Yeah, he's fucked it all up. 

Cas turns to look at Sam and nods. Sam nods back. A silent understanding. Then his brother leaves the room. Dean doesn't take his eyes off Cas, still waiting for an answer. He watches as Cas closes his eyes briefly, takes in a deep breath and when he opens them again, he narrows them slightly. “I've been dealing with the angel problem. I have found out who their leader is.” 

The anger is burning through him now like a hot poker. He doesn't care about that. Not at the moment. He needs this to get personal. Slowly he starts to move towards the angel, but stops immediately when Cas takes a step back. The realisation hits him full force, the anger dimming a little bit, but still prominent. Cas doesn't want to be near him. “I called for you.”

Cas dips his head and mutters an 'I know.' at the floor. He knew. He heard him. Dean knew this. But hearing it made it real. Cas had been purposefully ignoring him. Should he tell him? Tell him how feels? 

“Why?” His voice is full of venom. If he didn't keep this anger alive he knew he would collapse in a heap on the floor, dying inside. He would never let that happen. 

Cas snaps his head back up. “You know why.” 

Dean takes a deep breath. “I'm sorry, Cas.” 

“I know. You've said that.” 

“Are you going to leave? Or do you want to stay?” He feels like he's begging. Begging for him not to leave him again. He can't lose him, not now, not ever. He wants to be selfish just this once. 

“It would be best if I leave.” He can see the anguish in his blue eyes at that small sentence, and Dean wants to take it all away, relieve him of it all. 

“Why?” It's barely a whisper.

“You know why,” he whispers back. 

Yes. He truly does know why. He looks Cas up and down for a moment. Making a decision. If he lets Cas leave, that will be it. Their friendship would be over and he would never see him again. Could he allow that? Maybe for Cas. But he needs him and he can't let go. 

Determination is now filling him. He can't let him leave. He can't allow it. He walks fast, kicking furniture out of the way in his haste. Cas watches him, carefully, concerned, shocked, unsure of what's going on. Dean doesn't stop, doesn't want to. He pushes Cas hard against the wall. There is a small thump. His fists are bunched into the trench coat. Cas lets out a small gasp. Before Dean can even comprehend what he's doing, his mouth his sealed with the other man's. Cas doesn't move at first, shocked. After a moment Cas opens his mouth and starts moving it against Dean's their tongues swirling together, saliva mixing. Dean's mouth is sore from slamming it against Cas's but he doesn't care. The taste of him is intoxicating and amazing and he never wants it to end. 

A gust of wind rushes past him as he is flung through the air. He's too shocked at what's happening. He crashes against the same desk he had a death grip on moments ago. He moans through the pain of it. When he looks up, he sees Cas, still standing against the wall, his chest heaving and his eyes angry, burning through him.

Dean opens his mouth to say something, anything. But he's pinned to the spot by those blue eyes and he gulps past the lump in his throat. Cas is really angry. 

Cas finally moves from the wall and for a moment Dean thought he would come over there and start beating the shit into him. He cowers back slightly, afraid of what Cas would d. 

“Never do that again, Dean.” Then he's gone. 

What the fuck? He thought Cas wanted this. Thought he wanted him. Shit. Now he'd really fucked up. He thought back through all their conversations. Not once had he said he wanted this. Not once had he said he wanted Dean. Yes he loved him, but that doesn't mean he wanted this. Now he felt like a fool. A fool for believing he could actually be happy, even if it was for a second. 

The tears finally came. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Guilt? Anger? Love? 

What should he be feeling? He watched as children played on the park, the sunshine glowing down upon their smiling faces. Dean had kissed him. Why would he do that? He's already made it so clear in so little words that he doesn't feel that way. So why? He loved the feeling of Dean pressed against him, loved the feeling of the those lips against his. After the initial shock, he finally melted into it. Groaning. But his thoughts finally caught up. Anger surged through him. Dean shouldn't be kissing him, leading him on like that. It wasn't fair, not to him or Dean. 

He sighed. He shouldn't have left, not like that. He should have talked to Dean, found out why and even if Dean wasn't willing to talk they still needed to talk about the leader of the angels. He should go back. 

That's exactly what he did before he could talk himself out of it. He landed in the same room Dean had kissed him, his eyes instantly fixated on the wall where he'd been pinned against. The room was eerily quiet and it sent a shiver down his spine. He gazed around the room with his blue eyes and they caught sight of Dean. Still on the floor where he'd been thrown to moments ago. Breathing hard. Tears rolling past his closed lids and down his flushed cheeks. 

The sight of him, so vulnerable, made Castiel stumble back. He was hurting. He was in pain. Should he say something? Go to him? Comfort him? He couldn't though, frozen to the spot at the sight of the crumpled man before him. Footsteps could be heard from down the corridor, then Sam was stood in the entry way. Castiel didn't take his eyes off Dean, expecting him to open his own eyes at the sound, but he didn't. Castiel frowned in confusion. 

He glanced at the younger Winchester, who's eyes were darting from one man to the next, confusion in his own eyes. Castiel looked back at Dean. His heart hurt for him, hurt for what they had become. He rubbed absent-mindlessly at his chest, trying to ease the pain that had accumulated there. 

“Cas?” Dean's eyes opened at the sound of his name, instantly locking with his blue ones. For a moment no one breathed, no one moved and Cas didn't know if he should be the first one to say something. He watched as Dean took in a deep breath. Castiel needed to say something, anything, that would comfort the man. How could he though? Sam was stood right there and he knew Dean would not appreciate it. “Cas?”

He looked at Sam then, still confused. “I… I… Uh… I know who the leader is.” He looked back at Dean. He was now pulling himself up off the floor, his gaze darting about the room as if he was indecisive to where he should place them. “Turns out we were right not to trust Naomi.” 

“Shit,” Sam blew out through his teeth. Everyone knew what that meant. Castiel kept his eyes on Dean. Dean hadn't even reacted to the news. Instead he swiped the palm of his hand down his face, clearing the tears away. Grabbing the bottle of whiskey, he slowly moved towards the entry way, shoulders sagging as though all the fight had completely left him. He was a defeated man now. Broken. The pain in his chest intensified as he watched Dean shove past Sam and head down the corridor. He needed answers. Why was he so hurt? Why had he kissed him? Sam had watched where Dean had left, and Castiel heard the soft click of the door. There was no anger. Nothing. This didn't sit well with Castiel. Something was seriously wrong. Surely he hadn't hurt Dean that much by pushing him away. Dean didn't want this, not really. He could be attracted to Castiel, sure, but he wasn't in love. And Castiel couldn't do this if it wasn't what they both wanted. He needed to explain this to him, needed him to see that it was for the better. 

Sam faced Castiel again with wide eyes. “What the hell is wrong with him?” Castiel ignored him as he took long strides across the room, feeling the pull of Dean. He would never be able to get away from it. He will never be able to be rid of this feeling, no matter what happens now, this will never disappear. He shoved past Sam and made his way towards Dean's room. 

For once they were going to have a serious conversation. No avoiding it. This needed to be done. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

The whisky burned and he revelled in it as he sat on the edge of his bed, shoulders slumped. This pain is new. He'd never felt anything quite like this before. Is this what Cas felt when he'd rejected him? The tears streamed down his cheeks. He couldn't stop them and to be honest he didn't want to. This pain was worse than anything. All the times he'd died, all the times he'd been tortured in and out of hell, all the rejection from women, was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. 

Never do that again, Dean. 

Shit. He'd really fucked up. But then, what's new? He was a complete fuck up. A complete disgrace. He wasn't worthy of Cas, never had been, never will be. But… But he wanted to be deserving of him. Wanted to feel him. Wanted to feel those lips on his. Wanted to see that smile and happiness back on his face as he realised what Dean kissing him had meant. 

Life isn't a movie though. Things don't happen like that. But, God, he wanted to be selfish, just once he wanted to think of himself and have the one person he'd fallen in love with. He drank from the bottle again. The tears still coming. The pain still there. Yeah, he was a fuck up. No two ways about it. 

The door swung open. 

Cas was stood there. Chest heaving. Tears in his own eyes. Head tilted as he searched Dean. 

Dean took in a deep breath at the sight of him. His heart constricted painfully in his chest. The angel closed the door behind him. His back now turned. His forehead resting against the wood. Dean waited, not wanting to break his train of thought. Why was he here? He didn't want Dean. He might love him, he might find him attractive but he knew that they could never be together. Could never have this. Whether it be because of the danger they were always in, or because he was an angel, or because he knew Dean would fuck it up eventually, they could never have this. 

“Why?” It was a whisper and Dean had do a double take. Had he heard right? 

“What?” His voice was thick and croaky from the tears that still wouldn't stop. 

Cas turned then, his own tears now flowing freely down his face. He shuddered in a breath, fists clenched at his side. “I need to… I need to know why you kissed me.”

Dean's mouth swung open. Cas didn't know. This wasn't a rejection. This was him simply not wanting to get his hopes up. This was him protecting himself. Had he really hurt the angel that badly? Shit. He placed his bottle down on the night stand and stood, wiping the tears from face. He didn't take a step closer. Not wanting to frighten him. He allowed a crooked grin to shine through. “I… I don't know what I was expecting, seeing you there, but… that's any easy one to start with. Because I wanted to.” 

He nodded as if expecting that answer. “But why did you want to, Dean?” Dean opened his mouth to say something, but clamped it shut when Cas held up his hand. “Don't be vague.” Another deep breath from him. “What possessed you to do it? What pushed you to decide that it was a good idea?” 

Dean frowned then. There was only one possible answer to that and he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to say. But he had to, didn't he? It was the right thing to do. He had to do this for Cas. Cas needed to hear it. 

“Because...” He took in a deep breath and stared Cas right in the eye. He could do it. He could do it. He could do it. “Because I love you.” 

He watched as Cas sucked in a deep breath. It was out there now. Nothing he could to stop the outcome of this. He watched him closely. Trying to gauge what he was thinking. “You mean… In love?” Dean nodded. “But… You rejected me. You...” He licked his lips. “How long?” 

“I haven't known for long. But it's always been there. In every memory of you, of us. It's there. Faint. But...” He shrugged, unsure as to how he should end that sentence. He was nervous now. Cas still didn't want this, did he? Course he wouldn't. Him loving him wouldn't change anything. 

“What do you want, Dean?” Dean frowned in confusion. “What do you want with me?” 

He widened his eyes in surprise. Reality came crashing around him. What the hell did he want? Could they really do this? Could they really be happy? Could he really be that selfish and bring Cas into his fucked up life? 

He didn't think he could.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has supported this story. Your comments mean the world to me.

Dean turned his back to Cas, unable to stare into those blue eyes that were begging him, pleading with him to accept this. He shouldn't need him so much, he shouldn't put Cas through any more pain. But it all came back to which scenario was worse. He couldn't decide. Couldn't decide if he should say 'to hell with this.' He couldn't decide if he should just walk away and pretend that he hadn't just told Cas the one thing that would break him. 

He felt Cas move from the door, footsteps behind him. Sucking in a breath he turned to face the angel. His blue eyes were still pleading with him to answer the question. What did he want? He wanted him, of course, but could he do this? Cas was only inches away from him now and Dean couldn't think clearly, couldn't kick start his brain back into gear. He needed out of here, just for a few moments. Just to think. He moved around Cas, and towards the door, muttering an I'm sorry on the way past. When he reached the door he placed his hand on the handle and paused. He took a glance back at the man he was so desperately in love with. Cas had his head dipped, his shoulders were sagged and he just simply looked defeated as though he couldn't take much more of this emotional roller coaster they were both aboard. Dean glanced away and placed his forehead on the door, just like his angel had done before and he sighed. His mind pulled up memories of everything they'd both been through over the years. Losing each other time and time again. They both deserved this. They both deserved to be happy, even if it was for a small amount of time. They deserved to feel wanted and needed. They both needed this. 

He needed to take this leap of faith. They both needed him to take it. “You,” A whisper. 

A sharp intake of breath from behind. Dean turned slowly. Cas's eyes were wide with shock, burning right through him. Dean pressed himself back into his bedroom door. “What?” Cas asked, barely daring to hope. Not wanting to put himself out there, not like he has before. 

“I want you, Cas. I shouldn't. We shouldn't. We will only get hurt. But… I can't help but be selfish. I want you, all of you.” 

Dean was taken aback by the hand that now pushed against his chest. He hadn't seen Cas move, hadn't heard and Dean gasped in shock at the sudden contact, the heat burning through his t-shirt and igniting a sudden arousal that pooled in his stomach. Cas's eyes were once again pleading, begging. “Say it again,” he whispered, pushing his face towards Dean so that they were only inches apart. Dean gulped past the lump in his throat, feeling the stickiness of it from where it had completely dried up. “I… I want you.”

Cas shook his head, eyes closing. Dean watched in awe as the angel opened them with frustration. “Not that, the other thing.” 

Realisation came to him then. A small crooked smile curved his lips. “I love you.” 

Dean gasped as Cas's lips finally closed the remaining distance. This kiss wasn't like the one in the main room. This one wasn't Dean's desperation's, Dean's hunger, this was all Cas's. The need pouring of him as he poured all of his passion into it, his tongue swirling with Dean's. Cas pushed his body completely against Dean's and Dean could feel the erection poking against his own through their pants and Dean groaned, the vibration of it on their lips only fuelled the hunger. Dean couldn't hold back any more. He grasped the sides of Cas's face, feeling the stubble scratch against his palms, he pushed his lower half against Cas's which ignited a small moan from the angel. Cas's free hand grazed against Dean's hip, pushing his t-shirt up so that they were skin to skin and the heat of it had Dean moaning again. The kiss was still bruising, still passionate, still everything and it wasn't enough. Dean needed more. More contact. More of Cas. 

As if sensing this, Cas broke the kiss, leaving Dean to whimper quietly at the loss of those perfect pink lips, pulling his t-shirt up and over his head. Before Dean could even register what had happened, those lips were on his again, still hungry, still needy. He could feel both of Cas's smooth, warm hands running across his hard abs. The touch wasn't gentle, it was hard and desperate and it sent shock waves of heat through his body. He jerked his hips again with a moan. His own hands pushing that beige trench coat off of his shoulders and down his arms, allowing it to fall on a heap behind them. He needed to feel Cas, all of him. He tugged on the tie as the taste of the angel became intoxicating. His head swam with lust and he felt dizzy. 

This should feel wrong. This should feel sinful. This shouldn't be so good. But it was. It was so, so good. And it didn't feel wrong, just the opposite. It felt right, like this is what they'd been leading to all these years. This moment. Here and now. 

The tie came lose and Dean threw it to the side not caring where it landed. Cas broke the kiss again and Dean's eyes dropped to the angel's red, swollen lips. God, he looked so sexy like that. Hair ruffled, lips parted slightly, lust in his eyes. Cas bent his head to the crook of Dean's neck and started sucking and biting. It was hard and it hurt slightly. But Dean didn't care. The act sent goosebumps travelling across his body, sending shivers up and down his spine. He groaned again, pleasure filling his voice. He fumbled with the buttons of Cas's white shirt, the desperate need still coursing through him. He could feel his heart speed up as Cas moved down over his collar bone. 

After what felt like an eternity, he finally undid the last button, he couldn't wait any more. He needed the touch. He ran his hands up Cas's own rock hard abs, causing the angel to moan against him, sending vibrations across his heated skin, making him moan right along with him. Cas pulled back, crushing their lips together again. And Dean gasped into it, not expecting it so soon. Their chests were flush against each other now, their erections pressed together and Dean rolled his hips. 

Without warning, Cas turned Dean around, pushing his chest up against the door. Dean gave a startled gasp that turned into a moan when Cas pushed his front against Dean. He could feel Cas's erection rubbing against his ass and he couldn't help but moan at the pleasure of it. Cas was kissing and biting his neck again and Dean threw his head back to land on the angels shoulder. This was so exhilarating and Dean's head spun. 

“Dean-” Cas's lust voice filled the room, breaking the spell Dean had been under. Panic surged its way through him and he suddenly tried to move away. But Cas held him firm. “Don't.” He didn't stop. Couldn't. He'd never done this before. Not with a man. Never been the submissive one like that. “Don't run. I won't do anything you don't want to. Just don't run from me again.” Cas spun Dean back around and he froze at the pleading look in Cas's eyes. 

His breathing came fast and shallow and all he could do was nod. He understood Cas wasn't going to pressure him, he understood that Cas needed to know he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't going to run this time. But he didn't know if he was ready for this yet. He didn't know if he'd ever be ready. 

Cas's pleading eyes turned to pure love and it made Dean's knees weak, made him swallow back a moan of pure panic at the sight. “I can't do this.” 

The hurt pushed its way to Cas's face. Dean frowned then his eyes blew wide open in understanding. He brought his hand up and brushed his thumb over Cas's swollen lips. The angel closed his eyes at the touch. “Look at me, Cas.” It took a moment and when he opened his eyes Dean saw the pain there. They were begging him not to end this. “I didn't mean us. I meant this right here. I'm not ready.” Relief filled those blue eyes and he hated what he was about to say next, but he needed Cas to understand what was at stake here, he needed to understand where Dean stood. “I don't know if I'll ever be ready.” 

Dean dropped his hand as Cas cupped his face in his hands. “As long as I still get to kiss you, that doesn't bother me. All I want is whatever you want.” 

The love that was pouring of the angel became overwhelming and suddenly Dean felt exhausted, mentally. He pushed forward and placed a small, gentle kiss to Cas's lips. He pushed his tongue into the depths of the other mouth, his tongue gently caressing Cas's and he moaned into it. Cas pulled away, all too soon for Dean's liking. 

“You should sleep,” Cas whispered. And he was right. Dean nodded and padded over to his bed. He could feel those blue eyes watching his every move and a small bubble of happiness pushed at his heart. It made him smile to himself as he pushed back the blanket and slipped underneath. Cas turned to leave. 

“Stay.” He watched as Cas smiled gently down at him, the love and happiness of it hitting Dean in the chest, causing him to feel all warm and content. Cas laid next to him, facing the ceiling. Dean didn't want to cuddle, didn't want to feel that needy, so instead he rolled onto his side and gripped Cas's hand into his own, linking their fingers. Cas turned to look at him, shocked for a moment before he turned back to stare at the ceiling. 

Dean fell asleep within minuets. Feeling safe and content and happy and loved. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Happiness swelled inside him as he slowly opened his eyes. He hadn't slept like that in a long time. It felt nice, normal and different. But a good different. His happiness was short lived though as the realisation came to him. Panic and fear started to bubble within him. 

The spot next to him was empty. 

He reached out a hand to the spot that Cas had been occupying when he'd fallen asleep. Cold. He'd been gone a while. Why would he leave? He thought they had been happy. He thought that they were good. Maybe Cas didn't feel that way. Maybe he'd completely misread the situation. He pulled himself up to a sitting position and glanced at the floor by the door. The trench coat and tie were gone. 

His heart tugged painfully and he wondered if he should call the angel, just to confirm what he already knew. Deep down he knew. Cas was gone and he wasn't coming back. He should be angry with him, should want to punch the guy. Especially after he begged Dean not to run away from him last night. Against his better judgement he couldn't do it, couldn't find the strength. 

Cas doesn't sleep. How long had he lain there, his mind playing with different thoughts? How long did it take him to make the decision to leave? How long did it take him to realise that he couldn't have a sexless relationship, if that was what they were to become? 

Dean slumped back onto the pillows, tears springing to his eyes. He refused to let them fall though. He couldn't be that mess again. Couldn't allow himself to become that needy, desperate hollow man again. He couldn't. He could get past this. Just push on. One task at a time, like last time. First he needed to shower. Wash away the sleep, wash away his thoughts. 

Before he had a chance to move, a loud knock sounded on the door. “Dean?” Sam's voice. The hope that raised slightly at the knock instantly evaporated and he gulped past the lump in his throat. He wasn't going to get over this any time soon. 

“Yeah?” His voice cracked and he rolled his eyes at himself. Could he be any more obvious. 

“We found a lead on Naomi.”

“What lead?” He wasn't interested. Didn't want to get back into that, not yet. Not while he held this emptiness in his heart. 

“Come out and we'll discuss it with you.” The sound of footsteps fading away. 

Dean shook his head. Then frowned. He backtracked over what Sam had said. We. He sat bolt up right, his heart going a million miles an hour. No. It couldn't be. He'd left. Dean had set himself up for that after feeling the empty space next to him. He had just been preparing himself to go the rest of his miserable life living with this numb feeling in his chest. 

He jumped out of bed. Not daring to hope. Not yet. He pulled on his clothes from yesterday and rushed out of the room and down the corridor, the whole time the hope growing within him. He tried to desperately push it down, shove it somewhere even he couldn't reach. But he couldn't stop it from bubbling up. 

He came to a stop in the entryway of the main room. Sam was sat at his laptop and he glanced up at the sight of Dean, a frown of concern upon his face. Dean's eyes darted from his brother to the man standing next to him, hunched over the table. He stood straight, blue eyes boring into his, also concerned. Dean's green eyes took in the sight of Cas, his trench coat, his tie, his black hair. The thoughts of last night pushed its way forward and Dean had to part his lips to accommodate the heavy breaths of arousal. The relief was only brief until he saw Cas's eyes crinkle with a small smile. He understood. He understood where Dean's thoughts had just gone. This angel was going to be the death of him with all these tumbling emotions. 

He should have cared that his brother was sat right there. But the happiness of knowing Cas hadn't left him, became overwhelming. He was no longer in control of his movements as he moved towards the angel. Determination set in now. Cas's eyes grew wide and took a step back, but Dean was faster. He pushed him up against the bookcase. Cas gave a startled gasp just as Dean pressed his lips to his. He pushed his tongue in, tasting him. The need and hunger clouded his judgement. He'd forgotten about his brother, forgotten about the lead they were suppose to be discussing. He groaned and so did Cas. He clung to him, desperate. 

The need for air became to strong and he had to pull away reluctantly. They were both breathing heavy, the only sound in the room. Cas was the first to speak. “Sam's watching.” 

Dean froze. Had he really just done that in front of his brother? Shit. He hadn't been thinking. Shit. Slowly he turned his head to look over his shoulder, still not letting go of the angel. His brother's eyes were wide and his mouth hung open. He turned back round to Cas and closed his eyes. “Fuck.” 

When he opened them again, Cas was focusing his blue eyes on him. Concern pouring out of him. Slowly Dean removed himself from the angel and took a step back. He couldn't look Cas in the eye as the embarrassment filled him. “I'm going for a shower,” he muttered and started walking away. He heard Cas calling him, but he ignored it, needing the space to gather his thoughts and trying get away from the humiliation he was feeling. 

He was about to enter his room when he heard footsteps behind him.”Dean?”

Stopping, he turned to face the angel. Cas was worried, fearful. He smiled at him. “Not running.” That was all he needed to say to see the fear vanish from Cas's eyes before he pushed the door open and entered his room. 

Yeah, he wasn't going to run. Not any more. So what if he made out with Cas in front of his brother. He was happy and if his brother couldn't get on board with it then he can go fuck himself. He was happy and he was planning to stay that way for a very long time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment. They mean the world to mean. Thank you.

The steam from the shower filled the bathroom, making it difficult to see anything. The hot water cascaded down upon his naked form, water rolling down his ribbed body. Dean had no idea how long he'd been in the shower for, but by the look of his wrinkled fingers, he could hazard a guess that it had been a while. The water was soothing and he tried his best to ignore the memory of what had just happened. The embarrassment and humiliation of it. His brother had been sat right there. What the hell had he been thinking? He hadn't, not really. His mind had been completely focused on Cas, focused on the panic that had been consuming him, focused on the fear of losing yet somebody else. 

What's going to happen now, though? Will Sam be disgusted? Will he get angry? Dean knew that the moment he joined them back in the map room, Sam would fire a billion and one questions at him. He wasn't ready for that. Not yet. He'd only just figured out he was in the love with the angel, only just about managed to choke up the courage to tell the dude. Last night. It was only last night. It seemed a million years ago now. Now Sam knew. Maybe he didn't know the whole story, but he knew enough. What was he going to do? He didn't even know what he and Cas had yet. 

Cas. He could picture the lust that had filled those blue eyes, could almost feel the erection Cas had, poking at his ass. He gulped past his arousal. He shouldn't be thinking about that. Not when he had a crisis going on. He needed to figure out what he was going to tell Sam. But he couldn't get rid of those thoughts. He wanted the angel so badly it hurt. Dean thought back to the panic that he'd felt. Why did he feel that? He loved the guy. Isn't that what people do when they're attracted to one another? Have sex? So why? A small voice at the back of his brain started to get louder and louder. At first he couldn't make out what it was saying. After a few moments of glaring at the tiles, he figured it out. It's because its not just a hook-up, its someone he's in love with. 

Of course. He panicked because he didn't want to mess it up. Dean knew that it was partly because he'd never had sex with a man before. But he knew that wasn't what was holding him back, not really. He needed it to be… perfect? Special? 

Cas was in love with him. He knew this. Has known this since their first run in with that angel weeks ago. Yet the surprise coursed through him. Why did this shock him? He thought back to last night. To every detail. His thoughts drifted from the taste, to the feel, to everything. Then it hit him. His eyes widened. It was the look. The look in Cas's eyes. They were filled with love, wonder and… worship. The guy frigging worshipped him. He had made him feel like he was the most important creature in existence and it freaked him out. 

Dean frowned. That's why he panicked. The real reason anyway. He couldn't take the emotions that Cas was feeling because he shouldn't be feeling them. Not towards him. If there was one thing Dean was certain of, he wasn't worthy of the love Cas was giving him. 

He needed to face the music. If he stayed in there much longer, he knew Cas and Sam would start to worry. He turned the water off and stepped out of the shower stall. The water dripped from his skin and his hair, leaving droplets on the tiled floor. He grabbed a white fluffy towel and started to dry himself. Again he found himself thinking about Sam's reaction, about what type of questions would be fired at him. His heart sank. He still hadn't figured out what he was going to say. As much as he loved Cas, as much as he enjoyed being with him, he just wasn't ready for the world to know. But Sam did know. Nothing could change that. 

Wrapping the towel around his waist, he padded out of the bathroom, a cloud of steam followed in his wake. His eyes caught Sam's and he froze. Sam was leaning against the wall opposite, his arms crossed and a frown upon his features. Once again panic was starting to bubble inside of him. Sam looked angry. He cursed himself for not thinking of anything to explain away his actions. He wasn't ready to tell his brother that he was in love with a guy, in love with an angel, in love with Cas. 

Sam pushed away from the wall and allowed his arms to swing by his sides. Dean couldn't move, couldn't think. “What the hell was that, Dean?”

Dean kept his mouth firmly shut. What the hell was he supposed to say? He darted his eyes in the general direction of the map room, hoping beyond hope that Cas would come around the corner and rescue him. But of course Dean wasn't that lucky. He was going to have to deal with this without him. He was going to have do this on his own. He swung his eyes back to his brother. 

He opened his mouth, not sure what he was going to say. His brother beat him to it. “Cas is your best friend. He's family. And you just kissed his face off. What the hell, man? I don't know what's going through your head, but you can't do that. Not with him. Not ever.”

Anger surged forwards and Dean narrowed his eyes at his little brother. What gave him the right to tell him what he can and can't do? Nothing. This had nothing to do with Sam. With the panic pushed aside, he allowed the anger to talk for him. “And why not? So what if I kissed the guy? What's the big problem?”

Sam's anger intensified. Dean almost took a step back from it, but somehow he managed to keep his feet firmly planted to the spot. “Cas is not one of your little play things, Dean. He's our family. When this goes south, and it will go south, he will be left heartbroken and I can't have you do that to him.” 

“Nothing’s happened, Sam.” The anger was making its way out of his system. Now he just felt tired. So very tired. Sam was only repeating what he himself has thought too many times. He shouldn't be angry at his brother for that. 

“You just kissed him, Dean,” Sam spat, taking a step towards him. 

“Yeah and that's all that's happened. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to get dressed.” Dean started walking away, his heart beating erratically. That did not go down well. This whole thing was one big fucking mess. He paused at the turn in the corridor and looked over his shoulder at his brother, who was watching him closely, suspicion evident in his eyes. Then Dean caught onto what Sam had said. “Just for the record, Sam, Cas is not just a play thing.” Dean turned and started walking again, satisfaction blooming within his gut as he caught sight of Sam's eyes widening. Good. Serves him fucking right. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Castiel waited patiently for the brothers to return. His eyes scanned the laptop that Sam had been researching with, his mind not really taking in any of the information. He couldn't help the worry from springing up, couldn't help his thoughts from wondering to Dean. He hoped he was okay, hoped he wasn't freaking out. Sam had gone to find him. Dean had been in the shower for forty-five minutes and Sam was starting to worry. 

It wasn't too long before his mind wondered to the kiss that he'd experienced only moments before. It had felt amazing to have Dean pressed up against him, feeling his desperation and his hunger. It was just as good as last nights one. He shifted in his seat as the arousal tangled in his gut. The urge to go to Dean was strong, and somehow he held back, knowing that Dean needed space, for the moment at least.

Sam came shuffling into the room, looking quite lost. Castiel frowned in concern. What happened between them? He was about to open his mouth to ask when Dean came in behind him. Castiel watched Dean with concern, but relaxed a little when he spotted the small smirk playing at his lips. Castiel's confusion only swelled though when he caught sight of Sam watching his brother with narrowed eyes. Whatever had been said between them, Dean had come out on top and Sam was not happy.

“So, what's this lead then?” Dean asked, sitting next to Castiel. He leaned back in his chair and put his booted feet on the table. His posture screamed relaxed and content. But Castiel could see beyond it, he could see Dean was worrying himself sick. Over what, Castiel couldn't tell. Perhaps it was what his brother had said. Maybe it was something else entirely. 

Sam spoke first coming to stand opposite Dean. “We think that she's in an abandoned warehouse, not too far from here.”

Dean frowned. “Why would she be in a place like that?” 

“We're not sure. We need to figure it out, somehow,” Sam replied, crossing his arms. Castiel knew it was a defensive posture. He didn't like Dean questioning him. 

“Fine. You being the nerd can figure it out.” He stood and stretched his arms above his head. Castiel watched in awe as his t-shirt revealed the tiniest sliver of skin. He licked his lips as the arousal came forth again, going south this time. Dean looked down at him and he froze. Castiel allowed his eyes to catch Dean's. And for a moment nothing else mattered, nothing else existed. It was just the two of them. Castiel was about to stand, not sure whether he was going to kiss the guy or drag him to his room. Thankfully he didn't need to make the decision. Sam coughed awkwardly. Dean dropped his arms and flicked his eyes to his brothers. The spell was broken and Castiel was left panting. “I'm going to go out and get beer. We're out.” Dean finished and moved past Castiel. 

Dean had almost made it to the bottom of the steps that led out of the bunker when Sam called his name. Dean turned questioningly. “When you get back, you know what you need to do.”

Castiel turned to Dean and watched as the pain flooded his eyes. His own eyes caught Dean's green ones and determination sprung in them. To say Castiel was confused was an understatement. He watched as Dean surged forwards, a deep purpose in every step. From somewhere in the distance Castiel could hear Sam calling his brother's name in horror, but Castiel didn't care. All he could focus on was the man coming towards him. With numb legs, he stood. Dean slammed into him, grabbing his face in both palms and pushing their lips together hard. Castiel parted his lips in a gasp, the shock coursing through his veins. Dean took that opportunity to push his tongue in. After a small heart beat, Castiel finally started kissing him back. He tasted so amazing, so wonderful. He never wanted it to end. But of course it did. Dean leaned his forehead upon his, eyes closed, a small smile of content upon his lips. Castiel never thought he could love him any more than he already did, he was wrong. 

Dean finally pushed away, opening his eyes. The love he felt spilling from him was intoxicating and Cas sucked in a sharp breath. “Beer.” Dean murmured, walking backwards. Castiel watched as his eyes darted to his brother and they narrowed slightly. “Don't make demands to me, Sammy.” Then he was gone. 

Castiel swung around to Sam, seeing his eyes angry and his mouth set in a firm line. His jaw jutted out at an odd angle. Confusion once again pushed forwards. “What did he mean, Sam? What demands?”

Sam's eyes set on him and they softened a little. “I told him that whatever was going on between you, it needed to end.”

Castiel took a step back, the betrayal filling him to the brim. Why would Sam ask such a thing? This had nothing to do with him. “Why?” 

Sam sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Because this is going to end badly, Cas. He can't use you like that.”

“Use me? What's he suppose to be using me for?”

Another sigh from Sam. “Sex, Cas. He can't use you for sex.”

“He's not using me for sex. We haven't done that. He doesn't want to.”

Sam narrowed his eyes. “Why?” 

“Because he's not ready. He doesn't know if he will ever be ready.”

Sam let out a laugh at that and Castiel grew more confused. How was this funny? He waited patiently for Sam to calm down. “This is just perfect. So what's he going to do? He can't go celibacy. Its not in his nature. He can't go the rest of his life without sex. I'm sure it won't take him long to find some nice girl and take her to bed.” 

Castiel sucked in a sharp breath. His chest hurt again at Sam's words, his heart breaking. Is that what Dean was going to do? Keep them both sweet while he went off to get his fill from other women? Sam's eyes widened and Castiel knew he hadn't meant to say all of that, not to him anyway. “I need to leave.” His voice was trembling and he hated himself for it. He couldn't hide his pain from Sam. If he couldn't do that he wasn't going to be able to hide it from Dean either. 

He turned to leave. His body aching and tired. He walked towards the bunker's exit his mind playing over those hurtful words that Sam had just spouted. He faintly heard Sam calling his name, but he paid him no attention. He needed to leave. He needed to think. 

He slammed the bunker's door behind him. The tears finally came, his heart crushing him. Dean needed sex. Needed it like he needed to breath. If he couldn't get past his fear of having sex with him, he would most definitely go and find it somewhere else. 

“Cas?” 

Castiel looked into Dean's concerned green eyes. His hand was on his shoulder and it burned. It burned so badly. Castiel shrugged it off and walked past him, wiping the hot tears from his flushed cheeks.

“He told you.”

He swung around, the breaking of his heart setting fire to his insides, pushing him to grow in confidence. “Sam had a lot of interesting things to say,” he spat through gritted teeth. “Like, how he told you to end things with me because you're using me. Or how about how Sam thinks that if you can never bring yourself to have sex with me, you'll go find it somewhere else.”

Dean's eyes widened in surprise. “What? He said that?” 

Castiel watched as the hurt played across the man's face and he instantly softened his voice. “We can't do this, can we? It's not fair.”

“Cas-” 

“No. We can't. If you can't get past whatever is holding you back, you will hate me for the lack of a sex life. You'll be miserable. I could say it doesn't matter, go and have sex with whoever you want, but I can't. I'm selfish, Dean. I want you all to myself and I can't watch you have your way with other women. I can't. So, it's better if we just forget this ever happened.” 

He turned to leave again, the pain in his chest expanding, when Dean's voice rang out. “Do you even know what's holding me back?” 

Castiel frowned. “It doesn't matter now. This is over. You don't really want this, not deep down. Sam doesn't want this to happen either. Its better this way, for everyone.” 

“I thought it was because you were a guy and I'd never really done it with a man before. I thought that's why I panicked last night. It's not the reason. Yes, I was scared of it but not enough to full on panic.” Castiel shook his head. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear what else he had to say. But he stayed silent anyway. “It was the look in your eyes.” 

This had Castiel reeling backwards in shock. He'd scared him. He was too forceful. This was just another reason this needed to end now, before they got in too deep. But Castiel knew that the both of them were in this way too deep already. “I didn't mean to scare you.” 

“No. You didn't do anything wrong. The look in your eyes, it was pure love and...” Dean shifted uncomfortably. “And I don't deserve it. I panicked because… I realised that if we were to do that, it needed to be… I don't know. I just know that this-” He gestured between them. “Is the most real thing I have ever felt and I really don't want to fuck it up. I want it to be right. I want… I want it be as real as your love for me. I don't want it to be out of need or hunger or desperation. I want it to be about love and only love. But the thing is, Cas… I don't think I'm worthy of the love your offering.” 

Dean fell silent and Castiel felt his heart start to knit together again. Dean really wanted this. Wanted him. “But what if you're never ready?”

Dean shrugged. “Then a lifetime of celibacy will have to do. I can't go back to my usual hook-ups, not after feeling what I did last night. Even if you walked away now, for good, I can't go back.” 

Castiel's head swam with emotions. This was the most Dean had ever revealed to anyone. And somehow he felt privileged to be a part of it. Without thinking about his actions. He surged forwards and kissed him hard. They broke away after only a few moments.

“I thought you went to get beer.” Castiel whispered, leaning his forehead against Dean's. 

Dean let out a chuckle. “I lied. We already had some. I just needed to get away from Sam and his judgement.” 

Castiel laughed and kissed him again. “You are worthy.” Dean pulled back in shock. “You are so worthy, Dean. You need to know that. Don't ever push me away because you think otherwise. 

Dean nodded. “Come on, let's go back inside. We still need to figure out what Naomi's doing.” 

Castiel nodded in agreement and Dean led them back inside the bunker, their hands intertwined. Castiel had never felt happiness quite like this. It was amazing. It was wonderful. It was everything.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of graphic sex.

It didn't make sense to Dean. 

The whole idea was ludicrous and suicidal. 

As he stared Cas down, he could feel his heart hammering away in panic. The urge to grip him tight, hold him close and never let go was becoming overwhelming. Dean watched the hardened blue eyes soften slightly, as though the angel could read his mind. The argument had been going on for about ten minutes now. Cas wanted to scope the place out, to see if he could sense anything, to find out any information before Sam and Dean went in all guns blazing. As much as he understood where Cas was coming from, he couldn't help but think that if he allowed this, then something bad might happen. Dean didn't know if he was strong enough for that, didn't know if he could handle losing him, especially after they'd only just started sorting themselves out. Bottom line: he needed Cas and he couldn't risk him. 

“Dean,” the angel sighed. “We need to be smart about this. And me finding as much information as I can before we go in with an attack seems to be the logical thing to do.” 

“Cas is right, Dean.” Sam's voice echoed from across the room, where he was stood with his arms crossed, eyes narrowing in on them. He'd stayed silent up until that moment. 

Dean shot him a dirty look before staring down Cas again. He couldn't let Cas do this. If anything happened to him, he would never forgive himself for it. He wouldn't survive the pain. He knew that. But he needed Cas to understand too. He was painfully aware his brother was stood right there, but he couldn't care less at the moment, his main priority was to get Cas not to go on this suicide mission. “I understand, I really do, Cas, but...” He fell silent, his eyes softening. He took in a large gulp of air. How the hell was he going to express what he was thinking? 

“But?” Cas pressed. 

Dean sighed. He just needed to go for it, he needed Cas to understand his side as well. “But I can't lose you.” His voice broke and he felt his cheeks grow hot from the flush he was sure was making its way across his skin. He heard Cas suck in a sharp breath of shock. “If they capture you… I don't think… I don't think I'd survive it, Cas.” He was practically begging him not to put him through this. He could feel his brother's eyes on him but he paid him no attention, his whole focus was on the way Cas softened his eyes, and the way he moved towards him, slowly and cautiously. 

“I won't get captured, Dean. I promise I will keep my distance. We just need to know about their numbers, a rough estimate.”

“But-” 

Cas gripped his face in his hands and he felt the small tingle run through his face from the small contact. “You won't lose me.” 

Dean eyed him carefully. He knew this plan was the only one they had without going in there blind and he knew Cas had a point. He sucked in a steadying breath, then nodded. “Okay. But you check in every half hour.”

“Dean,” Cas sighed, dropping his hands and Dean immediately felt the aching loss of his touch.

“I need to know your okay. Please, Cas, every half hour.” He was back to begging again and Cas's eyes widened in shock. Dean never begged which meant only one thing to the people around him, he really needed this. 

Cas finally nodded. “Okay. Every half hour.”

Dean gripped Cas's hand and intertwined their fingers. The touch was so intimate and held so much meaning. “You miss one deadline, Cas, and I'm coming to find you. You got that?”

Cas offered him an amused, crooked smile. “Yes, Dean. I get it.”

Cas went to pull away but Dean gripped tighter, not wanting to let him go. The panic was filling him again. What if this was the last time they ever saw each other. He cursed himself for being so silly and clingy. He's never had a problem letting Cas go off into battle before, so what's so different this time? Because you're in love with him, an annoying little voice piped up. Yeah, he was but that wasn't the only reason. They've barely gotten started and he couldn't lose him now, not when they were so close to being what they both wanted to be. 

“Dean?” Cas's voice pierced through his thoughts, startling him back into the room. 

The need overcame him and he placed a soft, intimate, loving kiss on Cas's lips. Cas kissed back just as loving and just as soft, it made Dean hum with appreciation. When he pulled back and looked into Cas's blue eyes, he saw the love pouring from them. That annoying voice was shouting at him, telling him he shouldn't accept this pure, innocent love. He quickly tramped it down, he wasn't going to let that voice ruin this moment. He smiled at the angel. “Come back in one piece.” It was a demand and he saw Cas throw him a reassuring smile. 

“Of course.” 

Dean finally allowed his grip to loosen and he watched as Cas made his way up the bunker steps and out of sight. A few moments later he heard the bunker door slam shut. Dean flinched at it, the emptiness filled his aching chest. This was going to be torture, awaiting those phone calls, waiting for Cas to return with some news. But he could do it. He could get through it. He had to. For Cas. A distraction, that's what he needed. Slowly he turned and caught sight of his brother. His eyes were wide open in shock and his mouth was hanging open. “What?” Dean snapped. He was still pissed at his brother for the demands he'd tried to lay down. “I'm not in the mood for any more of your shit right now.” 

Sam finally closed his mouth and his eyes softened. “No, it's just… I realized how much of an idiot I was.”

Now Dean was confused. “What?” 

“You're in love with him, aren't you?”

Dean bulked back in shock. Had he really been that obvious? He was only trying to show Cas that he needed him, that he was worried for him. Dean didn't know what to say. Should he be honest with his brother? Then his thoughts drifted to the way Sam had treated him. Even if Dean was ready to be honest to the outside world about this, which he most certainly wasn't, Sam didn't deserve for him to be honest with him. Not yet anyway. 

“Dean? It's okay. You don't have to say anything. Just… I'm sorry. I didn't realize it went that deep for you.” 

Dean couldn't move, couldn't breath. He watched his brother nod in his direction before heading towards the kitchen. He watched Sam until he was out of sight, it was only after that, he allowed himself to breath. Now was not the time to have this crisis with his brother. Instead he pulled his cell out of his pocket, checked it was on and fully charged, then sat down at the map table, placing his cell gently in front of him. 

Yes this was going to be a torturous wait.

\- SUPERNATURAL -

He felt it before he saw anything. Falling to his knees, he gasped in surprise, his vision blurring and the pain in his skull throbbing from the contact. He sucked in a steadying breath, glancing around, trying to find the source of the attacker. Nobody. His heart was beating erratically in his chest. From somewhere behind him, he felt hands grabbing each of his arms, pulling him. He fell to his face and groaned as his skin rubbed against the concrete. 

Castiel tried to wriggle free, try to get the upper hand, but with the pain in his head and his vision blurry, there wasn't much he could do. He didn't know how many attackers there were, through the haze he could only see two, but there could be more behind. He tried to swivel his head around to get a better look. It was impossible. The angels seemed to be dragging him for ages, but Castiel guessed it was only a few minuets. Eventually they released his arms and in the distant he could hear a female voice. There was no way he could tell what she was saying, not through the ringing in his ears. He tried to move, tried to get a better look, needing to see how many angels he would be up against. But before he had a chance, hands grabbed him again, gripping and pulling everywhere. He groaned through gritted teeth, kicking his legs out, thrashing his arms, trying to find a target, but it was useless. They had him firmly. He felt the wind rush past his face as they hoisted him up, shackling his wrists above his head. His feet barely touched the floor. Looking up he found his vision was returning to normal. There were four angels that he could see. That was good. Better than he was expecting. 

Glancing around the large abandoned warehouse room, he took in how many exits there were. Two. Both blocked by angels. He glanced at the dirty windows that skirted the border of the room. They were too tiny to squeeze through if he found that to be the only way out.

“Hello, Castiel.” 

He snapped his head to the female voice from before. “Naomi,” he growled through gritted teeth. She looked as beautiful as ever in her crisp, white pant suit, her auburn hair tied neatly and securely in a bun. Her features held contempt and hatred. 

“Well, I would say this is a surprise, but it really isn't. I didn't think it would take you long to figure it out.” She took a step towards him and froze. She'd been expecting him to push his way towards her, even with the shackles on. But the only movement he made was jutting out his chin defiantly. He kept his mouth shut, hoping she would give him something about what was to come next. She didn't disappoint. “The easy thing to do would be to just kill you, right here, right now.” She sighed. “But you need to be punished. I know that if I gave you a choice, you would always pick the human Winchesters over your own kin. So… here's what's going to happen-” She closed the distance between them, and Castiel just stared her down, the hatred pouring from every cell in his body. She reached into the inside pocket of his trench coat and pulled out his cell phone. “You are going to call Dean Winchester. You are going to tell him that I was here but have left. You are going to tell him that you think there might be clues as to where my next location is. Then convince him you need help with it. Once he gets here, we are going to kill him. With him dead, with both the Winchesters dead. I am going to take you home, Castiel, and you can be free from all these human emotions. We can forget any of this ever happened.” 

“And if I refuse?” 

She let out a laugh. “Well, that wouldn't be a good idea.”

Castiel just smirked. That was answer enough. There was no way he was going to agree to bring Dean here. Surprise was on his side. Naomi didn't know about the arrangement between Dean and himself. Naomi didn't know that Sam and Dean were going to make their own way here. 

He just needed to last till they got here. That's all. He just needed to get through whatever torture Naomi had planned. It would all be worth it in the end. He was sure of that, especially if it meant Dean would be safe. That's all that mattered to Castiel now. Dean had to be safe. 

This is what's safest for Dean. It wasn't the most ideal solution, but it was the better one. 

He just hoped that they would get here soon. 

-SUPERNATURAL-

It screamed at him. Yelling at him. Reminding him. The urge to shut it the fuck up became overwhelming. Perhaps he should throw it against the wall, that would shut it up. He hated it. Loathed it. He glanced away from it, eyes latching onto the whisky bottle on the other side of the room. He couldn't drink. He needed to be sober, but oh how it shrieked at him. There was two now. Two voices shouting at him. Why didn't they just shut up? 

His eyes clung to the time again. Only another minute had passed. Is that all? Dean had the grand total of three phone calls from Cas. Everything had seemed fine. He sounded fine. But he should have called ten minuets ago. Nothing. His phone stayed silent, eerily so. 

His body itched to run to him. It twitched with pent up adrenaline. Something has happened. He knew it had. He can feel it in the pit of his stomach. He can feel the emptiness clawing at his insides. He jumped from his seat and stared down at his brother who was typing away at his laptop. Sam stopped, his fingers hovering over the keys, his eyes searching Dean's face. 

Dean could feel his hands shaking, could feel the need to do something surge through his whole body. “Something's wrong, Sammy.” His voice shook and he hated how vulnerable he sounded. 

“It's only been ten minuets. Give it until he's next suppose to call, and if there's still radio silence we'll go and find him.” 

Dean nodded. He could see where Sammy was coming from. Cas just might not be able to call, he might be afraid to be heard. It was the logical explanation. And yet… And yet he couldn't get rid of that feeling in his stomach. It was still gnawing away at it. He sat back in his seat and buried his face in the palms of his hands, letting out a low groan. 

Time dragged after that. Dean had paced around the entire map room, library and kitchen. He had poured himself a glass of whisky, leaving it be when he remembered that he was suppose to stay sober for Cas's sake. He picked up about five books, leafed through the pages without actually looking properly. He opened up his own laptop and tried to distract himself with research, but he found he couldn't think of anything to type into the search bar, resorting to just staring at the page. The time continued to scream at him, yelling that it was still no closer to the allotted time. His cell stayed silent. 

Finally Sam stood and Dean looked up eager. His brother nodded. Nothing else needed to be said. He was starting to worry as well. It had gone five minuets past the next time Cas was suppose to call and still nothing. Dean jumped from his chair, his eagerness coming off of him in waves. He needed to know Cas was safe. Needed to be sure. They both ran towards the garage. Dean had already started his car before Sam had jumped in. The sound of tyres squealing and echoing sounded throughout. Dean was not going to slow down, not for anyone. He glanced at his brother. Sam was looking at him with worried eyes. Was he worried for Cas or for him? He didn't care. He was going to find Cas and he was going to be just fine. 

That's the only thought that propelled him forward. If he allowed the doubt to worm its way in, he would shrivel up and die. He needed to be strong for Cas. He needed to able to concentrate on what was to come next. He couldn't be distracted by anything, not even his doubts. 

The drive felt like it took forever, but in reality it only took twenty minutes. He parked the car two blocks away. They didn't want any of the angels knowing they were there. 

He climbed out of the car, slamming the door shut and moved around to the trunk. He pulled out the various weapons they would need and slammed the trunk down. He chucked some weapons towards Sam, who caught them, then started to move towards where the warehouse was situated. 

“Dean?” 

He didn't stop, didn't break stride. His heart was pounding, the worry was consuming him. “What?” 

“Calm down. He's going to be fine.” 

“You don't know that,” Dean growled. 

It took only five minuets to reach the warehouse and instantly Dean didn't like it. There were no guards outside. Nothing. It was completely silent. He glanced at his brother who was frowning. Something wasn't right. Dean signalled for his brother to circle the building while he goes in the front entrance. Sam nodded in agreement. 

Then they heard it. That sound. It pierced the still night sky making Dean's blood run cold. They both froze as they listened to that scream. It sounded like a dying animal. That was the only way Dean could describe it. He shivered as the reality of it hit him. 

Cas!

Without thinking it through, without thinking how stupid he was being, he surged forwards, towards the building. Only one thought echoing in his mind. Save Cas. Save Cas. Save Cas. He heard his brother whisper his name, scared, worried. But he ignored it. He had to make that sound stop. 

He barged through the doors, the panic swelling through his entire being. Where was he? He slowed his pace, angel blade drawn. He couldn't hear his brother, so he assumed he'd gone with the original plan. His kept his footstep slow and silent, and he glanced around every corner, every doorway. Finally he came to a large room. The doors were wide open and inside he could see Naomi and four angels. He watched as one of the men moved, angel blade in hand. Dean's eyes caught sight of Cas, dangling from the ceiling. His heart stopped at the sight of him. Blood pouring from random cuts across his face. His grace shone through a stab wound in his side. His head was slumped on his chest and sweat dripped from his hair to the floor. He could tell Cas was still breathing. That was a good sign. It took everything Dean had not to run to him. He couldn't do that, couldn't risk it. If he did that then he was sure to die and then where would Cas be? 

He watched as Naomi stepped forward. “Come on, Castiel. This is pointless. All you need to do is to get Dean Winchester here.” 

Cas looked up and the hatred in his eyes was fierce. Dean almost stepped back from the power of it. “W-what for? So you… can… kill him? No… thanks!”

Oh God! He was suffering like this to keep him alive, that stupid son of a bitch. 

He couldn't hold back any more, couldn't allow this to go on any more. He stepped into the room. He grabbed the nearest angel and stabbed him straight through the chest. The room filled with a bright, white light and a piercing scream. Then the body dropped and the light faded. He glanced at Cas. Dean reeled back from the sheer happiness at seeing Dean. Realization hit him. Cas had been stalling, knowing that Dean would come eventually. 

Dean allowed his eyes to drift to Naomi. She was stood shocked to the spot, her eyes wide and mouth open. Another surge of bright light, from the other side of the room this time. Sam had arrived. 

The other two angels surged towards them. And Naomi stepped towards Cas, angel blade in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please continue to show your support. Thank you to everyone who already has, it does mean everything to me.


	11. Chapter 11

The scream tore up from the darkest depths of his stomach, up through his chest, past his frantically beating heart, up through his throat and out his mouth, into the warehouse as the angel blade came down in a swiping motion. 

Panic tore away at his insides. This was it. He was going to lose him. After everything they'd been through, physically and emotionally, this was the end. The end of everything. The end of hope and love. The end of Dean Winchester as everyone knew him. He would not come back from this. He would never be who he was before. 

The deep throated scream startled Naomi. She hesitated, tearing her eyes away from Cas, darting them towards him, her eyes glinting mischievously. His feet were glued to the concrete floor. He knew he should move, to try and stop her. But he couldn't. Frozen in fear. This is what this feeling was. Fear. He'd felt fear before, of course he has. The many times he'd lost Sam, or about to lose him. The many times he'd almost died himself. The many times he'd witnessed his nightmares. The many times he'd lost Cas, or almost lost him. But this time was different. He was in love with him. If he lost Cas now, he would lose himself too. 

He tried to get his feet to move, tried to save the man he loved. Thoughts of regret swirled through his mind. He should have told him sooner. He shouldn't have tried to fight this feeling of pure love so much. He shouldn't have hurt him. Shouldn't have caused him pain. He should have shown him just how much he really and truly loved him. Is Cas about to die without truly believing it? No, he can't. He can't die thinking that. 

A movement in the corner of his eye. But he couldn't bring himself to look away from those evil eyes of Naomi. He wanted to plead with her. Wanted to beg her not to do this to them. They didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve this. 

“I came to realise, Dean, that if I killed you, right here, right now, Castiel would be lost to us. Its better this way. Its better to everyone, humans and angels alike, if you all die.”

He opened his mouth, to argue. But nothing would come out. The fear still drowning him. Movement again. He couldn't bear to look. He tore his eyes away from hers, and into Cas's. They were of understanding and love. It made Dean ache inside. He wanted to reach out, comfort him, tell him not to accept this fate. But of course, Cas had. He had accepted that this must happen. If it were to save Dean, he would happily die. He wanted to shout, yell at the top of his lungs at how wrong that is. He doesn't deserve that type of devotion, not after everything that he'd put the angel through. 

He'd forgotten about the angel coming towards him. So when he was thrown into the corridor behind him, he let out a yelp of surprise. He skidded to a stop, his breathing ragged and his body screaming in protest as he tried to move. Tried to find Cas with his gaze. He couldn't see him. Couldn't see if she'd made that final blow. No, all he could see was that angel coming towards him again. 

He tried to get to his feet, quickly, his fighting instinct kicking in. A blinding white light filled the room behind the dick angel, making Dean freeze, his blood running cold, his heart stopping. Cas!

No, he couldn't be dead. Not yet. There was so much for them to do together. So much more they could be. Pure anger ignited in his veins. He wasn't dead yet. He couldn't be. He needed to see for himself. Needed to see his dead body. But that fucking angel was in the way. Quick as lightening, he grabbed the angel blade from beneath his body, faking a groan as the angel made a grab for him, then in one quick motion, he pushed the blade up and into the ribs. He felt it sink deliciously into the depth of his chest. A blinding white light. Dean couldn't look away, not this time. He was pushing on adrenaline alone now. The angel dropped to the floor, and for a moment Dean allowed the satisfaction of the kill fill his body. Then he remembered. Cas!

He jumped up, ignoring how much his body hurt. He made a beeline for the large room and came to a halt at the sight before him. Sam was breathing heavily, hatred curling and twisting around him as he stared at… Naomi's body. Not Cas. It hadn't been Cas. His eyes caught sight of Cas's surprised eyes. He was alive. Relief and happiness filled him to the brim, pushing all thoughts and doubts and fears far from his mind. 

Rushing forward, he noticed how much his heart was beating, how much he longed to be near him, to hold him, to feel that he was truly still here. He stopped just short of him, his breathing came hard and fast and he looked at the beaten up man before him. Cautiously, he reached out a finger. Just a touch. That's all he needed. One touch. Cas was gazing at him with concern, but Dean pushed all of that aside. Just one touch, that's all. He would forever be happy, never needing anything else. 

His finger grazed down Cas's stubble, his touch feather light. They came to a stop at the bottom of his jaw. Now he could be happy. This was Cas. He was alive. He was still here. He hadn't left him all alone. He shuddered at that thought, shuddered at what could have been. 

“Dean?” His gruff voice, was croaky but gentle, cautious. 

Dean shook himself back to the reality. Now was not the time to dwell on this. Cas needed him, needed his help. He shook his head and with both hands he unshackled Cas's wrists with the key Sam had thrown his way. Cas instantly dropped and Dean caught him, both of them falling to the floor. He heard Cas groan in pain, but Dean held him tighter. It was all going to be okay. Cas was alive, that's all that mattered. He was alive. He was here. 

He felt Cas shiver and Dean frowned. Was he cold? He shouldn't be cold. Angels don't get cold. Fear started to fill him again. Cas wasn't okay. He was dying. He was going to leave him. “Cas...” He didn't know what to say. Didn't know how to help. The feeling of being useless started worm its way into his brain. 

“I'm.. fine,” Cas's gravelly voice vibrated against Dean's chest. “I just need… rest.” 

Dean nodded, not quite believing it. Not giving himself that kind of hope just yet. 

A hand on his should. He looked up into his brothers soft eyes. He was worried too. Dean didn't know if he was worried about him or Cas. “Come on, Dean, let's get back to the bunker.” 

Dean nodded again. He didn't want to let Cas go. Couldn't let him go. He was his life line, his everything. He needed him. Needed him to anchor him, to keep him sane. If he let him go, he feared what these feelings would stir up. He felt Cas start to pull away and panic surged forwards, his grip tightening. No, he can't leave. Not yet. Just a little bit longer, that's all. He needed this reassurance, this feeling of his solid body against his own. 

“Dean, it's okay.” No its not. Its not okay, because he'd almost lost him. This was why he didn't let himself love. This is why he didn't let himself have what he wanted. They always end up dead. Every single time. Leaving him alone, to nurse the hole they would always leave behind, the hole that was punched straight through his chest. Abruptly, he pulled away, dropping Cas. He crawled backwards, his eyes wide and fearful. Cas looked at him, his own eyes wide and shocked at the sudden change. Then his eyes narrowed. Dean just shook his head. No, he couldn't do this. He couldn't have this. He will die. He will die and it will be all his fault. He needed to protect him. Protect him form the dangers that followed Dean around like the plague. 

He stopped crawling, glancing from his brother to the angel. Then his eyes caught sight of Naomi, dead on the ground, her words echoed through his mind. Words of how Dean had to die so that Cas could be with them again, could be an angel again. This was all his fault. He'd made Cas rebel, set him on the course to where they are now. Every mistake Cas has made, it was all his fault. Every time he'd died, all his fault. Everything his fault. 

He caught sight of movement and he snapped his eyes to those amazingly bright blue eyes. Cas was terrified. He was slowly moving towards him on his hands and knees, his arm stretched out. “Dean?” 

No, he couldn't touch him. If he touched him he would be lost. Dean would lose himself in the other man and he couldn't do that. He couldn't allow himself that. He needed to protect Cas. Needed to make sure he was safe. For Cas, the safest place for him was as far away as he could get from him. Dean jumped to his feet, shaking his head violently. The tears came fast, burning his cheeks. A sob threatened to escape. It was clawing at his inside, begging to be let free. 

“Dean?” His voice again. Scared. No, he didn't want to hurt him. Didn't want to cause him any more pain. He should go to him, comfort him. He itched for it. But he couldn't. Which was the worse case? He needed to protect his life not his feelings. 

Looking down at the man he so deeply loved, he softened his eyes, pouring all the sadness and grief he was feeling into them. He heard Cas gasp at the change. The angel stood on shaky legs. Sam reached out and grabbed him, steadying him. A spike of jealousy shot through him. It should be him helping Cas, not his brother. But he tramped it down. He needed to remember, to keep in mind why he was keeping his distance. 

“Don't run. Please, Dean. Don't run.” 

Those simple words cut so deep, reminding him of a time when he did run. Of a time when he promised Cas that he would never run, never again. But he had to. This time he had to break his silent promise. 

“I… I'm… I'm sorry.” 

Them he turned and fled, his feet pounding on the concrete, his heart breaking in his chest. He could hear Cas calling to him. Dean was grateful that he couldn't go after him, that his wounds slowed him down. He needed out of here. As he pushed his way through the doors and into the night, there was only one thought echoing in his mind.

Save Cas!

\- SUPERNATURAL -

He didn't know where his feet were taking him, all he knew was he had to get away. The need to escape was pulsing strong. He couldn't have these feelings. He couldn't let Cas get hurt. Anyone, everyone, but him. Never him.

He felt his cell vibrate in his jeans pocket. Ignoring it, he kept walking, fast, never slowing. His breathing was hard and panic swirled around inside his stomach, making him feel queasy. He had to go home at some point. Had to face the music. Had to have that dreaded conversation with Cas. It would break the angels heart, hell, it would break his heart. But it had to be done. 

Glancing around, he frowned. Where the hell was he? He caught sight of a familiar sign post. He was only five minuets from the bunker. Even through his panic fuelled haze, he still felt the pull of Cas, still felt that longing. He groaned inwardly. He could never be with Cas. He could never allow himself that happiness. 

He stopped outside the bunkers door, his heart heavy in his chest. It was better to get this over with. He opened the bunkers door, with a small creak and stepped inside. It was eerily quiet. Careful not to make a sound, he shut the door, his shoulder tensed when it was louder than he wanted it to be. He didn't want to alert Sam to his arrival. The need for Cas, the need to talk to him outweighed whatever his brother must thinking. He'll deal with him later. He descended the stairs, slowly and cautiously, his eyes sweeping the room beyond. Nobody. Were they out looking for him? He hoped not. This talk needed to happen, while Dean still had the courage to go through with it, 

Briefly he thought about calling out for them, but decided against it. The thought of having a lecture from his brother made him shudder with shame. He could almost picture Sam's face, pinched in disgust, yelling at him. He couldn't deal with that, not now. He slowly made his way through the bunker. In the distance he could hear two voices. He made his way towards them. 

As he reached the kitchen, the voices grew louder and he stopped just outside, staying outside as he listened. “How are you feeling, Cas?” his brother asked the angel. Dean's heart twisted painfully in his chest. While Dean was having his dramatic meltdown, he'd forgotten Cas was injured.

“I'm healing well, Sam. I'm almost back to full health.” 

“That's not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?” He could almost see the angel tilt his head in that adorable way of his, confusion filling those perfect blue eyes. 

Sam sighed. “I meant about Dean taking of like he did.” 

Dean waited for the answer. In his mind he could see Cas frowning, contemplating the question. “He… he promised he wouldn't run. So… it...”

“I get it, Cas. He'll come back.”

“But in what state of mind? He ran. I think… I think Dean will keep running now. I think he won't stop. It's something… I will have to… live with.” 

Dean's heart broke at the sound of the unshed tears in his voice. The urge to go to him, to hold him, to comfort him was becoming strong. He fought with everything he had to keep his feet firmly planted on the ground. He needed to get through this. He needed to be strong for both their sakes. This was never going to work, whatever this is. It can't work. 

“But you shouldn't have to.”

Cas sighed. “I know. I don't want to. But it's not like I can force him into anything. If he truly believes he should run from everything he is feeling, then he will.”

Sam's turn to sigh again. “I know, Cas. He can be really thick headed. He's my stupid, idiot brother and I love him, but God, I could punch him. He's causing all this pain, and for what? Because he can't face his feelings?”

Dean couldn't take it any more. Is that what they really thought? That he couldn't face them. Anger surged forwards and he stepped into the room, his fists clenched, and his heart beating erratically. He focused on his brother, not daring to look at Cas because he knew that as soon as he locked eyes with him, he was would crumble. He needed this anger. He needed to be able to get it all out. 

Cas sucked in a sharp breath and his brother swivelled around, his eyes growing round at the sight of Dean. Dean just narrowed his eyes. “I did face them. All of them. And for a moment I was happy.”

Sam stood. “Dean-”

“No! This has nothing to do with you. So why don't you keep you fucking nose out? You have no idea what I'm thinking or feeling. So quit it. I'm not the bad guy.”

“What are you thinking?” Cas's gruff voice cut across Sam who was about to say something, an apology maybe.

Dean felt the urge to turn to him, but he couldn't, he couldn't look at him. Fear started to enter his body again, but he needed the anger, the burning hot anger. He couldn't let that go. He could do this. He could tell him the reason. He kept his gaze trained on his brother. “You'll die.”

Dean shot his head to the sound of a gasp. Cas was now standing. He regretted looking at him. He felt the anger leave him, he felt the pain and the heartbreak and the fear come forwards. He softened his eyes. His brother faded in to the background. He could do this. He could explain his reasoning. He took a deep breath and continued. “I can't… I can't watch you die. The safest place for you is as far away from me as you can get.” 

Cas sidestepped the table and slowly started to move towards him. Dean instantly took a step back pleading with eyes. He couldn't have him come anywhere near him. Cas froze. “I can't do this,” Dean continued, watching as Cas's heart broke, right in front of his eyes. “I can't, I'm sorry.” 

He turned to leave, then collided with a solid form. Cas was stood before him, his eyes full of pain and love and so much more. Dean swallowed past the lump in his throat. He can't cry, not now, not in front of his brother and Cas. “Why?” 

He watched as a stray tear fell down Cas's cheek. Dean could see the struggle, could sense it, Cas was trying hard to hold back his own tears, but he was losing the battle. “Because I can't.”

Cas got angry, and he got angry quickly. Dean flinched at the sudden change. “I'll tell you why, Dean. You can't do this because you don't believe you deserve this. You believe that everyone who has ever been hurt, or died, is entirely your fault. Well, guess what? It's not. None of it is your fault. You have sacrificed so much for the greater good. You deserve to be happy.”

Dean couldn't hold back the tears from tumbling now. Cas was wrong. So very wrong, in so many ways. He didn't deserve any of that. “It's not about deserving. I'm trying to protect you. This is for the best. Every bad, evil thing we come across… they will use this against us. I'm not just trying to save your life. I'm not just doing it for you. I'm...” Did he dare say it? Yes, he needed to be honest, with himself as much as with Cas. “I'm doing this for me.”

He watched as Cas took a step back, his mouth hanging open. Dean watched as Cas rubbed at his chest. His heart was falling apart, again, and Dean was witnessing it turn to ashes. Cas nodded once and walked out of the bunker. Dean didn't know what to do? Should he go after him? Try to make him understand? Or should he find some good whisky and just get pissed as fuck? 

“Dean?”He turned to look at his brother. “You won't lose him like that. Not if I can help it. But if you don't go after him, you will lose him in a whole other way.”

“What?” His voice croaked with the tears that were building up. 

“When you come to realise what a mistake it was to let him go, it might be too late. He might not give you another chance. You've hurt him too many times already. There's only so much a person can take.”

Dean knew he was right. Deep down he knew. But could he? Could he really be happy? Could he let himself do this? The fear was still there, still swimming around inside him. “But...”

“Dean!” His brother's voice was a warning. The look in his eyes said, 'stop sacrificing everything for everyone else'. Sam was right. He wasn't just sacrificing his own happiness, he was sacrificing Cas's. He couldn't do that. 

He tore his way through the bunker, hoping he wasn't too late. The need to be close to Cas was strong. The need to hold him was stronger. His heart was beating erratically. 

Please don't be too late. Please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!!!


	12. Chapter 12

He wasn't there. 

He was too late.

His heart ripped through his chest, sending jolts of pain shooting throughout his body. Collapsing on the floor, he barely registered the pain in his knees as they hit the concrete. Tears fell, silent and commanding. He was too late. He'd missed him. He'd prayed and yelled for close to an hour, begging for him to come back, pleading with him to believe he was sorry. But the he didn't come. Silence rang through his ears, deafening him. Longing cascaded through him, longing to hear the flutter of his wings, to hear his gruff voice bellowing his name, longing to see his piercing blue eyes; even if they were going to hold contempt and hatred. Dean didn't care. He just wanted, needed him here. 

This was always going to happen. Dean was always going to fuck up. This was what he had been trying to avoid. He heaved a sigh as the tears finally slowed. One last time, that's it, he told himself, one last time to get him to come back, if after that he still doesn't come, then he would have to face the obvious. 

He sucked in a sharp breath, building the courage to say what needed to be said, what he was so very afraid of saying. But Cas needed to hear it, needed to know the truth. “Cas,” his voice was barely a whisper and Dean hated how defeated he sounded. But it was the truth. He was defeated. He was so sick of fighting this, fighting what he so desperately wanted. He was sick of hurting Cas, so sick of hurting himself. He was just sick of it all. If this didn't work, if Cas didn't come then he didn't know if he'd ever get over it, didn't know if he'd be able to mend his broken heart and that thought terrified him. 

“Cas?” he spoke a bit louder this time. “I know you can hear me. This is going to be the last time. No more begging, no more getting angry. If you don't come now, then… then I know… right? But.. you need the truth first… I'm scared, Cas. I'm scared of what this is between us. I'm scared that I'll someday lose you. I'm scared what that will do to me. But most of all… I'm scared… I'm scared… by how much I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, so much that I'm terrified by it. Please, Cas, just… you don't have to come back, just promise me that… you'll never forget that your loved, that I love you so much.”

There it was. Out in the open. He'd never been so honest in all his life. He waited for a heart beat, his ears straining into the silence, listening for the familiar sound of wings. But nothing came. He shook his head as more tears started to fall, his heart now became too heavy in his chest. He slowly stood, his legs buckling underneath him. He had no idea how he managed to stay up right. He swayed slightly on the spot, the pain he was feeling was immense and he had no idea if he would survive this never ending cycle. He hadn't hoped for him to return, he hadn't allowed himself to, but the disappointment and the reality of it came crashing around him.

He turned on the spot and froze. His heart stopped beating, and his eyes grew wide. He was here. He had come. For a moment, he allowed the relief and happiness to swarm his brain, allowed it to completely take over. But when he looked into those bright blue eyes, he felt a shiver run through him. This wasn't Cas. This was Castiel, the angel. He gulped past the lump in his throat. 

“Cas?” Fear took a hold as Cas tilted his head to the side and squinted. 

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean licked his lower lip. Cas watched the movement and narrowed his eyes further. What the hell is going on with him? Dean knew, of course he knew. He was protecting himself, detaching himself from his emotions. He doesn't want to be hurt again. But who does? The sadness swept through him. He'd hurt him so much. 

“I'm sorry, Cas. I… I will understand if you want to walk away… for good. I just needed you to know why first. I need you to understand.”

Cas took a step closer to him and Dean fought the urge to run to him. God he wanted him so much. He flexed his fingers in agitation. “Do you want me to walk away?” Cas sounded cautious, like he was trying to herd in a wild animal, and in a way that was what Dean was, a wild animal in need of taming. Dean shook his head. “Do you want me to stay as a friend?” The last word was a whisper and Dean knew how much strength it had taken for Cas to say it. Dean shook his head. “What do you want, Dean?” 

Cas took another step towards him and Dean fought the urge to run to him again. He can't use physical affection to show him what he feels. No, Cas needed more. He needed this conversation and as much as Dean hated the idea of laying it all out there, he would do anything for Cas, anything. “You. I want you, Cas. I want...” Cas stopped walking closer, eyes wide, his hands trembling, the emotion back. No longer Castiel, but Cas. Dean tried not show he'd noticed and continued, “I want all of you. I want...” He closed his eyes and pictured what he wanted. When he opened them again, he was full of determination, determination to get this out, to get it all out. “I want to be able to kiss you whenever I want, hold you whenever I want. I want to go to sleep with you, I know you don't sleep, but I want to fall asleep with you there, right next to me. I want to wake up next to you. I want to talk to you, laugh with you. All of it. I want….”

Dean gulped and took a step closer to the man he was so in love with. They were now inches apart and from here, Dean could see all of the shock coming out of his eyes. Cas was shocked by this revelation, whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't this. He cupped Cas's face in both hands, pressed his forehead to the Cas's, still staring into his eyes, he wet his lips once more. “I want you to take me. To make me yours and only yours. I want to be yours in every single way.”

Cas reeled back, breaking their contact, his eyes wide. “Dean… You don't have to. I know you're terrified of this.” He gestured between them. 

“Yeah, I am. I'm terrified of it all. But having you, in that way, it's a good scared, you know?”

“But what if you run again? I can't.., I can't keep this up. I can't keep thinking I have you, to then lose you, to then have you and so on. I can't do that. If you want this, if you really want this, then stay, Dean. No more running.”

“I promise. No more running.”

Cas shook his head. “No. I need you to really think about this. Because… because the next time you run, I won't come back. It will be for good. Do you understand?”

Dean felt that jolt of pain in his chest again. Sam had been right, everyone has their breaking point, and it looks like Cas had reached his. Could he really do this? He thought about all that he was scared of, all that terrified him. He must have been silent for too long because he felt Cas touch his cheek, his eyes imploring him to answer. “I-”

“Dean. Its okay. If you really don't think you can't run again, then go now.”

But he didn't want to. He didn't want to leave him, not again. “I-” Why couldn't he just say it? He frowned. 

Cas sighed and dropped his hand. “I'll make it easier for you, Dean.” Cas sidestepped him. 

Panic and terror flooded Dean's senses and he reached out and gripped his arm. Cas looked down at where they were joined, his brow creasing. He was confused. Dean thought hard as he frowned at the terror that had spiked. Cas leaving willingly, Cas was leaving because Dean couldn't say what needed to be said, that was worse than all the other terrifying things he'd thought of. Worse than if Cas had died, because that wouldn't have been willingly. 

“Don't leave,” his voice was a plea, his eyes begged. “The thought of you leaving like this, this feeling… it's almost as bad as when I thought you were going to die. I.. need you to stay. I can't promise I won't run. I will, a lot. But it will be me needing a little more time to wrap my head around it. That's it. It will never mean I don't want you, or I don't love you. It's just me needing time and you need to be patient. I need you to be there when I get back, because I will always come back. That I can promise you.”

Cas sucked in a deep breath. Dean waited patiently. It was all on Cas now. Could he accept this? Could he do this? Dean hoped he could. Cas's eyes didn't give anything away and with every second that ticked by Dean felt his heart stutter and droop in his chest. Of course Cas couldn't do this. Dean was asking too much of him again. He was about to open his mouth to say that it didn't matter, that Cas could walk if he needed to. But before a single word escaped, Cas had sealed his lips over Dean's. Dean couldn't move, he couldn't register what was happening. Cas stuck his tongue between Dean's parted lips and that's when he melted into it. He moved his mouth gently in time with Cas's. Dean had no idea how long he'd craved this. How much he wanted it but the relief shone through him at finally having that contact. The taste was amazing, the feeling intoxicating. But all too soon it came to an end. Cas pressed his forehead to Dean's. 

“I promise. I promise I will be here when you run, Dean. Always.” 

Dean smiled the biggest smile he had ever smiled in his life. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Castiel led Dean back into the bunker. Sam was no where in sight and he was silently grateful for that. They needed time together, alone. They both needed to explore what this was. Yes, they were both in love, yes they both wanted to be with each other. But could they? Could they both do this? Dean had said he wanted Castiel to take him… What did that mean? Did he mean to be with him? To have sex with him? Castiel was confused and he needed to get a clear picture of what Dean really wanted. 

He held Dean's hand in his, tightly grasping it, feeling those warm fingers in his. The feel of it made his heart soar, made him needy and achy, like he was desperate for any type of contact with the man. He wound his way through the bunker, dodging furniture. They were both silent. Both deep in thought. Castiel wondered what Dean was thinking. He glanced at him out the corner of his eye. Dean's face was solemn, his lips in a tight line, his eyes darting from side to side. Was he regretting this? Was he thinking of running again? Castiel hoped not, but judging by the look on his face, it certainly appeared that way. The ache was back in his chest. He tried to ignore, tried to concentrate on the feeling of Dean's hands in his, on the rough, warm skin against his smoother hand. 

They finally made it to Dean's room. Castiel glanced at the guns that littered the wall as he let go of Dean's hand, reluctantly. His eyes swept across the desk, the pictures, the bed. He heard the soft click of the door. He knew what he needed to do and the jolt of the pain at the thought made him feel sick. He didn't want to do it. He didn't want to risk Dean accepting this solely for him. He slowly turned around. His eyes caught Dean's green ones, the were full of worry as he leant casually against the door, his arms folded and his one foot firmly planted against the wooden door. 

Castiel gulped nervously. Dean looked so relaxed, so normal, so… him, worry and everything. “Dean… I don't want...”

Dean's eyes filled with panic and terror and it made Castiel's heart jump painfully in his chest at the sight. He didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to send him into a panic. “You don't want what?” His voice was shaken. He was terrified. Castiel took a step closer but froze when Dean visually shrank back. “If… if you don't want this, Cas, I will understand. I've hurt you too many times to count. I wouldn't blame you.” He shrugged casually as if it was no big deal, but Castiel knew him better than that. He was bothered by the idea, really bothered. 

“Dean, of course I want this.” Dean's eyes brightened for a moment, happiness filling them, then confusion took over. 

“So, what don't you want, then?” 

Castiel sighed. How was he suppose to explain without Dean jumping to the defensive? He thought for a moment, his brows furrowing in concentration. “I don't want to force you. I don't want you to feel like you have to do this just to make me happy. If you really don't think this could be something you can do, then tell me now. I'd rather the honesty, Dean. It would be better later down the line.” 

Castiel watched Dean smirk. “You're giving me an out?” Castiel nodded. “I want this, I really do. All I ask is that your patient with me.”

“I can do that.” Castiel found himself smiling. It soon dropped when another thought came to mind. “What is this?”

Dean's own smirk dropped. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, are we just friends? Or are we more?”

Castiel witnessed Dean frowning again. He prayed he'd give him the right answer, prayed he would give in and tell him exactly what he needed to know. Dean sighed. “I'm not ready to label this yet, Cas.”

Castiel shook his head, disappointment flooding his system. That's not a proper answer and Dean knew it. “I'm not asking you to. It's just, I need to know, Dean. I've put myself on the line so many times in the past couple of months, only to be shot down and burned, every single time. I need to know. You don't have to label it. Just explain it to me.”

Dean's eyes softened. “This is for the long haul, Cas. You and me for as long as we want each other. There will never be any one else. I won't go off and pick up random girls. I won't go looking for happily ever after with some chick. It's you, Cas, it will always be you. Even if you decide this isn't something you want any more, I will never be able to go back.”

Love. Pure Love. It soared and swirled and filled and swam through him, lifting his heart, warming his chest. Castiel couldn't hold back any more. He took massive strides towards Dean, who dropped his arms, dropped his leg, his eyes widening with shock at the sudden change. Once Castiel reached Dean, he gripped the man's face in his hands and pressed his lips to his. The hunger and passion and love pouring through, breaking free. Dean hummed with pleasure as he opened his mouth, allowing Castiel to lick and taste him. He felt Dean's hands reaching around his waist, pulling him closer, their crotches touching. Castiel gasped at the sudden arousal that swam through him. He hadn't intended to get aroused, he just wanted to show Dean just how much he loved him, that was all. But he felt the swell of his cock, felt the blood pumping through his veins. 

Dean broke the kiss first, his breathing ragged, his lips swollen and red, green eyes full of lust. The sight of him, aroused, sent shivers down his spine. As much as he wanted to rip Dean's clothes off and take him for himself, all of him, he knew Dean wasn't ready. Not yet.

“What are you doing to me, Cas?” His voice was a whisper, full of wonder and awe. Castiel frowned. Dean smiled shyly. “I just mean… I've never… felt like this… ever. Not with any one. It's… amazing. I mean… this isn't me, but it is, and… I don't know how to explain it.”

Castiel smiled at him. He knew exactly what Dean was trying to say. Castiel felt it, too. Felt all of it. Instead of replying, he kissed him again, softer this time, gentler. Instead of the hunger and passion from before, he poured his heart out, poured the love out. Dean hummed in appreciation as he kissed back. Castiel broke away first this time.

Dean didn't smile this time. His eyes shone brightly, happiness radiating from them. “Cas… I… need you.” 

“You have me, Dean.” His voice was raspy, full of emotion. Castiel knew that was okay though, knew that Dean would accept whatever emotion Castiel needed to show. Dean shook his head. He closed his eyes, banged the back of his head against the door softly and groaned. Castiel was confused. Is that not what Dean needed to know? Isn't that not what he wanted to hear? “Dean?”

Dean opened his eyes, determination held his features. Castiel sucked in a sharp breath at the change. “No, Cas. I mean… I need you.” He rolled his groin against Castiel's and he sucked in another sharp breath at the feeling of Dean's bulge against his. 

“Dean, do you mean…?” He couldn't finish the sentence, didn't know how to. Dean nodded. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes. I need to feel you. I need this, Cas.” 

Castiel nodded. He pulled away, watching as Dean showed confusion. He smiled at the other man, showing him he was okay with this, but he was also a little amused. “As much fun as it would be, Dean, I'm not going to take you up against the door. Maybe next time, though.” Dean's eyes darkened with lust at his words. Good. That's exactly what Castiel had intended. His smirk soon vanished when he held out his hand for Dean to take. He took it willingly. When their skin made contact it sent a bolt of electricity shooting up Castiel's arm, making his breath hitch and stutter. When he spoke again, his voice was sot and full of the love that he was so accustomed to feeling. But now he was was able to show it and it made him so happy, so elated. “Our first time isn't going to be rushed. It needs to be gentle and soft and perhaps somewhere comfortable. I want to show you just how much I love you, Dean. We'll have plenty of time to give into the desperate need we are certainly both feeling. But for now, I need this to be slow.” 

Dean's mouth dropped open. Panic flooded his system. Had he been wrong to say that? Is that not what Dean wanted? He was about to ask when Dean quickly got over his shock. “Okay. I just never pictured it this way.” Castiel's curiosity almost got the better of him. Dean had pictured this moment? Really? What had he pictured it would be like? Now was not the time to ask though, so Castiel filed it away for later. He would definitely ask later. But first the had more important things to be doing. 

“Are you sure this okay? If you don't want to do this, just say.” He needed to make sure Dean was totally okay with this. If there was even a sliver of doubt he needed to know. This was a big deal for Dean. It was a big deal to Castiel as well, but it was more so for Dean. It all came down to this, the reason Dean kept fighting it, the panic that he had felt. 

Dean nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. I am so sure, Cas. No more talking now. I want this, I want you.”

Casitel smiled and slowly led Dean to the bed. Yes, the time for talking was surely over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so there it is. Now I can promise you, I left it there on purpose. I felt that what may come next will take up almost a whole chapter. Sorry. But I can promise you that in the next chapter, there is that big moment for both of them, you know, the one we've all been waiting for.
> 
> Please tell me what you thought. I would love to know. Plus I want to know what you think will happen next. I know its kind of a given. But do you think Dean will go through with it? If he does, who do you think will top and who will bottom? Will there be foreplay? If they do go through with it how do you think they will both react to it? Will there be awkwardness? Or will they just finally be happy? 
> 
> Thanks for all the wonderful support as always. Until next time…


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really, really sorry for the long wait. I was ill for like a week and then I couldn't get my head back into writing, then life got really hectic really fast and I couldn't find time to edit... I am so very sorry. I hope you can all forgive me. 
> 
> Anyway, please tell me what you think, I would greatly appreciate any advice or any comments you are wiling to give me. I'm quite anxious about this chapter so it would be great if you could set my mind at ease by telling me how I did. 
> 
> WARNING: SEXUAL CONTENT BETWEEN TWO MALES!!!
> 
> Anyway, i think you've all waited long enough. So here it is... finally!!

Dean found himself getting lost into those perfect eyes, feeling just how much he really was loved. The feeling started to become overwhelming and the sudden urge to run from it pushed forward. It didn't feel wrong, the way Cas was looking at him was so right, as though this was where he was suppose to be all along. 

Cas brushed the back of his hand down his cheek, the gentle touch, soothing and caring, making his breath hitch. With a feather light touch, Cas pushed his t-shirt up and over his head, discarding it behind him somewhere. Dean didn't care, all that mattered was how this angel was looking at him, how he was making him feel. A warm feeling exploded in his chest and he found himself leaning forwards, catching Cas's soft, pink lips with his own. 

Cas hummed, closing his eyes in pleasure. He knew he should close his own eyes, knew he should revel in his own pleasure at the contact, but he couldn't, he was too mesmerised by Cas's reaction. Cas was the one to break away first, a small, shy smile playing at his lips. Slowly, cautiously, he bent his head, placing his mouth into the crook of Dean's neck, sucking gently while he ran his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean threw his head back, allowing him to gain better access as goosebumps travelled at an alarming rate across his heated skin. A shiver tore through him and he moaned with the pleasure of it. He'd never once been on the receiving end like this, never once had he ever felt this way during a sexual moment. This feeling was just so…. Euphoric. 

He stumbled backwards as Cas started pushing him further towards the bed. He'd expected the panic to set in again, like last time, but it never came. He was enjoying this too much. He was enjoying the feel of Cas caressing him with his mouth. 

The back of his legs hit the bed and Cas gripped his back to stop him from falling backwards. Cas lifted his head and placed another kiss on his lips. How did he know to make him feel so good? Dean hummed into those perfect, plump lips as he felt one of Cas's warm hands grope at the button on his jeans, and this sudden need overcame him. 

He pulled back, his eyes wide and his heart hammering hard. He tried to slow his breaths, tried to regain his thoughts. “Cas, wait.”

Cas froze, his eyes catching his. The look there completely took Dean's breath away, and not in a good way. His chest started to ache at the panic he saw written upon Cas's features. “Dean?” He knew what Cas was asking. He knew what Cas needed to hear. 

Dean brought his hands up to cup the angel's face. “I love you,” he whispered. He needed to say it, needed Cas to know that he really does. He watched as Cas's eyes widened for a moment before filling with pure happiness, a crooked smile on his lips. In answer he placed his lips on Dean's again and continued with the button on his jeans. It was a closed mouth kissed, with a slight pressure and Dean groaned deep in his throat with the feeling of it. 

Once his button was undone, Cas pulled back. Crouching down, his eyes not leaving Dean's, his fingers gripped the waist band of both the jeans and boxers and started to slide them slowly down his legs. Dean held his breath. This was the moment, this was the moment where they crossed that invisible line. He was slightly shocked by how much he was okay with that. He watched his cock spring free from its tight prison, the cool air hitting it full force. His eyes snapped back to Cas's, but he was now looking at his leaking erection. His tongue darted out and licked his lips. When Cas looked back up, his eyes had darkened with lust making Dean's cock twitch with anticipation. “Sit, Dean.”

Dean did. No hesitation. No panic. Nothing but arousal and love filling him to the brim, making his heart bounce with need. Cas very carefully pulled his clothing from his body and tossed them away He was now completely naked, completely vulnerable, completely exposed. Cas stood and stripped himself, so very slowly of his own clothes. Dean watched with fascination as the angels own cock sprung free, his mouth dried up and his hands twitched, he wanted to touch it. Perhaps he should have been shocked by wanting such a thing, but he really wasn't. Cas gripped his shoulders, his intent to push him down was evident, but Dean didn't want that, not yet. Without thinking it through properly, without thinking about what he was doing, he gripped Cas's hard cock in his fist. He heard the hiss leave Cas's mouth, and Dean locked his eyes to those blue ones again. The angels eyes were wide, his mouth parted. 

Slowly, he started to move his hand up and down the shaft, his thumb swiping across the head, feeling the slickness of the pre-cum. Dean thought he would have been horrified by the thought of holding another man's penis, but he wasn't. He was enjoying watching Cas come apart at the seams. He enjoyed watching his head tilt back. He enjoyed watching his eyes roll into the back of his head. He enjoyed hearing those small little moans of pleasure. And it was all because of Dean. 

Dean stated to move his hand a little faster and Cas snapped his head back up, the hunger radiated off of him now and Dean gulped. “Dean, that feels so good.” His voice was thick with arousal. 

But Dean stopped. He didn't want Cas to come like that. He didn't want it to end there. Cas looked at him with confusion, the panic came to his eyes again and Dean gulped past the lump in his throat. Had he really done him that much damage? It was going to take a long time for Cas to stop thinking he was going to run every time he pulled away.

He knew what he had to do. He hoped he could do it. But he had to show Cas that he was in this completely, that he didn't want to run no more. Ever so slowly he moved up the bed, his eyes said everything they needed to and it only took Cas a moment to understand what Dean meant. He crawled up and over him, his lips finding Dean's again. 

He could do this. He could do this for Cas, for him, for them. He gripped Cas's bare shoulders and pulled back. “I… I need you.” Cas tilted his head in confusion. Dean coughed nervously. He didn't want to say it. So instead he grabbed the angels cock in his fist again. Cas groaned with the pleasure of it. Dean smiled and spread his legs, placing the cock at the hole. As Dean pressed it hard, he felt the burning pain already. He tried to distract himself from the pain by kissing Cas again, but Cas pulled back, his eyes wide with shock. 

“Dean, are you-” Dean nodded. Yes he was sure. He needed it and he needed it now. His heart dropped when Cas pulled away, releasing his cock from Dean's grip. He smiled lovingly down at Dean. “Okay, have you got anything?”

Dean felt his heart lift at those words. He wasn't pulling away, he wasn't changing his mind. He pointed to the night stand, and Cas immediately reached over to it. For a moment the only sound was Cas searching through the draw, but Dean could have sworn he could his own heart beating. Was he really going to do this? Before a few weeks ago, he'd never even entertained the idea of having sex with another man. Now here he was opening his legs for not just any man, but his best friend. Before the panic started to settle in, Cas was back, lube in hand. Dean closed his eyes. He could do this. He could definitely do this. A cold sensation pricked at his hole and Dean snapped his eyes back open. There was a small pressure there and Dean knew it was Cas's finger. Dean sucked in a sharp breath. 

“Are you sure, Dean?” Was he? Was he sure? Before he could comprehend what he was doing, he was nodding. That same finger breached his hole, entering him ever so slowly. Dean couldn't breath as he felt a slight sting. Once Cas's finger was completely in him, he held still. “Breath, Dean.”

And Dean did. He felt his muscles relax. Fuck, he had a finger up his ass. He couldn't wrap his head around it. Then Cas pulled it almost all the way out and the pressure was gone for a moment, but not for long as Cas pushed it back in. Dean gasped at the sensation. His cock twitched. 

Cas pulled his finger out again, then pushed it back in, his pace picking up. Dean moaned, rolling his head. This wasn't that bad. It actually felt kind of nice. But he knew it was only going to get worse or better from here. “Ready for another one?” Dean nodded. He felt another finger prod at his hole. When it pushed past the tight ring of muscles, Dean gasped with pleasure. There was no burning this time, just pure pleasure. His eyes locked with Cas's. Cas was looking at him with awe. It was so intense that Dean couldn't look away. He felt the fingers pumping him, the speed quickening, hitting something delicious inside him. 

“Fuck, Cas...” Cas smiled, his other hand reaching to his Dean's cock, pumping it in time with his fingers. “Cas, shit. That's so good.” His skin tingled, his heart hammered, his mouth dry, his breaths coming in short bursts. This felt so amazing, better than anything he'd ever felt before. Why had he been so apprehensive about this? It didn't seem to make sense any more. 

“I'm going to add one more.” Cas's gruff voice sent a thrill through him. He felt another finger push at him. This time he felt the burning, but he forced himself to relax. He was desperate for the pleasure again. Once the finger was completely encased by his hole, Cas started to push them in and out again. Dean's hips bucked as they hit his prostate, pure pleasure made his stomach wrap up in knots. 

“Cas, don't stop… Fuck.” Cas sped up and Dean started to push his hips against those talented fingers, needing more, needing so much more. 

Then he was left feeling empty, so very empty. He watched as Cas slicked up his cock. Panic started to set in again, but he pushed it down. He could do this. What they had just done felt so good, he knew this would as well… eventually. 

He watched as Cas crawled up and over his body. Their faces only inches apart now, their breaths mingling into one. Dean licked his lower lip, making Cas moan, leaning down and placing his soft lips against his. Dean hummed. “Are you sure, Dean?” Pure love exploded within him. Cas was giving him one last chance to back out, and as Dean gazed into those bright eyes, he saw understanding. Cas would understand. 

But he didn't want to stop. He wanted this so badly, he needed this. “I'm.. I'm sure.”

Cas offered him a small smile and then he felt a something prodding at his entrance. He held his breath in, waiting for that breach of no return. Cas reached up and stroked Dean's flustered cheek again. “Breath.” That one word sent thrills shooting through his stomach, sending a huge breath out in a rush. 

Cas pushed the tip of his cock past the muscles and Dean instantly felt that burn. It made him want to retreat, to push away. This was way worse than Cas's fingers. He closed his eyes, trying hard to concentrate on relaxing his muscles, trying hard to stay still. He gripped the angels shoulders, digging his nails into his smooth skin, trying to ground himself. Cas held still, waiting patiently, waiting for Dean to give his approval of more. Suddenly he didn't know if he could do this. He opened his eyes, needing to tell Cas that, but when he caught Cas's gaze, he knew he couldn't back out now. Cas was looking as though it took everything in him to hold still, to wait. If Cas could hold back like that, then he could do this. 

He took a few steadying breaths, feeling the burn lessen slightly. He knew it wouldn't completely go, not yet. He nodded. Cas pushed in that little bit further. More burning. Dean couldn't take it any more. He didn't want slow and careful. He needed him now, needed to feel the angel's cock fill him. He wanted to ride him, bring them both to explosion. So what if it hurt? Maybe it would be like a band-aid, fast is best. 

He reached up, his head leaving the pillow, placing a hungry kiss on Cas's lips, his tongue slipping inside. Cas gasped in surprise. Then he pushed against Cas's shoulders, rolling them over so that Dean was on top. Cas pulled back, shock and lust filling his eyes. Dean smirked. In one movement he sunk down onto his cock. His mouth fell open at the burn, his insides were on fire. He closed his eyes against it, swallowing thickly. Cas moaned in pleasure and that was enough to snap his eyes open again. He held still, hoping that this feeling would disappear soon. Cas gripped his hips and Dean knew that he was trying to keep a hold of his restraint. 

A few minuets later and the burning dulled to an ache. Dean rose up till the cock's tip was just inside his hole, and then he sunk back down, filling himself back up. The pleasure overtook the burn and he groaned, so did Cas. 

He rose again, slowly, and then suck back down, his hips rolling. He caught his angels eyes. They were so full of pleasure and hunger, Dean couldn't hold back any more. He picked up the speed, the huge cock touching that pleasurable spot deep inside him. He leant down and kissed Cas again. 

When he leant back up, he pulled Cas with him, their hips now joined, that cock sitting deep inside him. He started rocking his hips, his breaths coming fast, his moans mixing with Cas's as he felt Cas wrap his arms around his back, feeling him. He leant his forehead against Cas's, their eyes locking. 

Never had he felt anything like this before, and not just the pleasure, but the connection. He'd never felt this type of connection with anyone. He started moving faster. He could feel himself getting closer to the edge. He hadn't even been touched properly yet, and he didn't think he needed to. 

He tried to hold of his climax, not wanting this amazing moment to end. He rocked faster and faster against Cas's hips. “Dean, I'm so close.” 

Those few little words sent a shiver through Dean. He was bringing his angel to the end, he was doing this to him, making him fall apart. “Come for me, Cas.”

A few more rocks and he felt the explosion deep within him as Cas screamed his name in ecstasy. A few more rolls of his hips and he was squirting his own come between them, it hitting both their chests. “Fuck, Cas,” he screamed, his eyes never leaving the angels. He slowed his movements as his body shook from the aftershocks. He closed his eyes and kissed Cas again. 

That had felt so amazing, so right. Cas fell back against the bed, bringing Dean with him. Dean could feel his own release squelching between them but he didn't care. He felt so content, so loved in that moment, he didn't want it to end, didn't want to break it, didn't want the reality to come crashing around them. 

He could feel Cas's chest rising and falling and he was trying to get his breathing under control. He loved how he'd done this to him, loved how it was all him and nothing else. He looked down at the man he was so in love with and kissed him with just as much passion and hunger he'd felt before. This feeling was never going to go away, he knew that now. 

Cas rolled them over. Dean felt Cas's cock slip wetly from his gaping hole and he moaned at the loss of it. It felt so right having it fill him like that, and now he just felt empty. As Dean lay on his side staring at him, he wanted to say something anything. But what? What did you say after something like that? Cas watched him with guarded eyes, scared eyes. Dean gulped past the lump in his throat again. Cas was scared he was going to freak out. The ache in his chest returned. This is what he'd done to him. He'd made him guard his feelings, made him terrified that he was going to run. 

He cupped Cas's face in both hands, determination filling his eyes. “I'm so, so, sorry.” Cas's eyes filled with a mixture of panic and confusion. Dean needed to clarify what he was trying to say. “I'm sorry for hurting you so much.”

Cas's eyes softened at his words. “Dean-”

“No. I was a shitty person. You deserve so much better than me, but… but I'm too selfish. I can't give you up.” Tears welled in his eyes as the truth poured past his lips. He placed a kiss on Cas's again, this time a short, sweet, loving one. Cas hummed. 

When they broke apart, Cas gripped his hands while they still cupped his face. “You deserve everything, Dean.”

Dean smiled, happiness filling him, a warmth spreading across his body. Cas truly believed that. “I love you.” He would never get tired of saying those words. He will make it his mission to tell the angel every chance he got. 

Cas smiled and kissed him. “I love you so, so much, Dean.” 

A knock sounded at the door, breaking whatever spell they were under, sending reality crashing in around them. Dean jerked in surprise, panic filling him up, making him want to run. But he forced himself to stay put. The look Cas was sending him making him want to stay, making him not want to run. He was pleading with him. 

“Dean?” Sam's voice sounded muffled. 

He had to lick his lips before answering. “Yeah?”

“I think I found us a hunt.” Dean rolled his eyes. He didn't want to leave this bed, didn't want to leave Cas. But duty calls. 

“Be out in a minute.” Before the last word was out of his mouth, Cas was pulling away, moving out of his embrace. He didn't want him to leave. 

Cas looked at him with so much love and understanding it hurt. “It's okay, Dean. Go. We'll just have to resume this when you get back.” 

“Come with us?” He didn't know what made him ask that, didn't know what possessed him. But as soon as the words had mixed with the air, he knew he didn't want it any other way. 

A sad look passed over Cas's face and Dean felt a tight fist grip his heart. “I would love nothing more, Dean, but I must ensure all the angels are okay, especially after Naomi. There will be too much chaos.”

Of course. This didn't mean anything. They still had their own responsibilities. So of course Cas had to leave. Cas was leaving. For how long? Would it be days or weeks before he saw him again? He felt the pain reach inside him and twist painfully. 

He swallowed thickly, ignoring it. Putting his walls back up. Cas couldn't stay. Cas would never be able to stay. This was never going to work. Dean nodded his understanding, slowly shutting himself off from the pain that was threatening to swallow him whole. He rolled over and climbed out of bed, reaching for his boxers. 

“Dean?” That voice sent a thrill through him again, but this just angered him. He didn't want to feel this way no more. He didn't want to feel that pleasure, this love, not if it meant he'd have to keep saying goodbye. He didn't think his heart could take it. 

“Just go, Cas.” He rushed out of the room, heading towards the shower room, not allowing Cas to answer. 

He showered slowly, not wanting to return to that room, fearing that he'd still be there. But when he entered his room, towel slung around his hip, and he found the room empty, he found his heart droop with the amount of pain it now held. He hadn't feared that he'd still be there, he'd feared that he'd leave. 

He glanced around the room. There was no sign that he'd ever been there and the emptiness engulfed him. 

Dean knew. After putting his heart on the line, after the most amazing sex he'd ever had, after feeling that connection, tears sprung to his eyes, falling down his cheeks because he knew. 

This was never going to work.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the really long wait. Life wasn't kind since I last posted. I'm back though. I just hope you can all forgive me.  
Here's the next chapter. Let me know what you think. Thank you.

Castiel felt the sting of rejection, like so many times before. It felt like he was almost growing accustomed to it now. He replayed the scene in his head, watching as the flicker of hurt crossed Dean's face, then his walls building back up and shifting into place. Dean was pushing him away again and he knew that he couldn't go anywhere, not with his promise echoing around his mind. He promised he would be there whenever Dean was going to run, promised he would wait. But should he? How many more times are they going to go through these motions? 

Sighing, he took the mug of coffee and shuffled off down the corridor. He'd heard Dean turn off the shower, heard him enter his room, and Castiel knew exactly what Dean had been thinking when he saw it empty. But he needed space, they both did. He had honestly thought about just staying, proving to Dean that he wasn't just going to up and leave him, but he couldn't, not when they had made love mere inches away. Instead of thinking about Dean running and the problem that they possess, all he could think about was the way Dean had felt, clenching around him, his erection rubbing against Castiel's stomach, the way Dean had looked when he had finally tipped over the edge. No, he had needed the space from that, from those amazing images. 

As he neared the bedroom, he felt his heart droop in his chest. How would he find Dean? Angry? Upset? Relieved? That last one is the one Castiel feared above all else. If he was relieved, it would mean only one thing, Dean didn't want him there. 

He rounded the doorway and was startled by what he saw. His shock made the mug slip slightly in his grip, it made his blood freeze in his veins, it made his breathing cease, it made the colour drain from his face. 

Dean was curled up on his bed, head on the pillow, knees pulled tightly in, eyes closed, and tears were streaming down his face, silently. He was biting his bottom lip in an effort, Castiel could only assume, to stop a sob from breaking out. He truly looked like a broken man and Castiel wanted nothing more than to go to him, but he knew Dean wouldn't want that, wouldn't want him to see him so vulnerable. Castiel allowed his eyes to rake up and down the other man's body. Dean was only clad in a towel around his waist and he knew that would make Dean feel even more vulnerable if Castiel had chosen to go to him. 

He cleared his throat, alerting the hunter to his presence. He quickly averted his eyes, knowing Dean wouldn't appreciate being ogled in this current situation. “I've brought you some coffee.” His voice was low and barely audible but he knew Dean had heard him. 

Castiel couldn't help himself, the urge to look at him was too strong. He caught those green eyes with his blue ones and was shocked by what he saw there. What had he been expecting though? Anger? Resentment? No, what he saw there was pure shock and disbelief, as though he couldn't quite believe that Castiel was stood there, that he hadn't really left. This left Castiel reeling a little. Had Dean forgotten about his promise? Or maybe he just thought Castiel would back out of it, break it. This sent a wave of sadness and disappointment through his body. Did Dean really think so little of him? 

With caution he watched Dean slowly uncurl himself and sit up, his legs now dangling over the edge of the bed, his feet not quite touching the floor, and his one hand was pressed into the mattress beside him, keeping him balanced, his other hand was gripping the towel tightly, ensuring it wouldn't fall. His eyes were still wide and Castiel watched with slight amusement at how his mouth opened and closed a few times. It wasn't very often anybody made Dean Winchester speechless, and a small, tiny part of him was revelling in the fact he had done that. 

He didn't say anything, wanting to allow the hunter to wrap his head around the fact that he was still there. He itched to go to him, though, an itch that was slowly getting harder to ignore. Dean dropped his eyes to the floor, glaring at it, his brows furrowed. If looks could kill, the floor would surely be dead by now, Castiel mused to himself. 

“You didn't leave,” Dean's voice was soft and unsure of himself. 

“Of course not,” Castiel responded, starting to move slowly towards him. 

Dean snapped his head up. Castiel stopped his advances, his heart now beating wildly in his chest as he watched those walls go back up. His heart broke at the sight. Dean was trying to protect himself from any more pain, any more hurt. Castiel could understand that. Over the past month or so, they have done nothing but hurt each other, or themselves, and Dean wasn't accustomed to feeling this way. But then again, neither was he. 

“Why?” Dean spoke through gritted teeth, as though getting the question out was too much hard work, as though he really didn't want to know the answer. 

Castiel sighed and closed the distance between them. He felt Dean's eyes burning through him, but chose to ignore it as he set the coffee on the night stand. He crouched down and looked up into Dean's eyes. “I should leave. I have much to do, Dean. But I made a promise. A promise I intend on keeping.”

Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. “What promise?” he spoke in a whisper, again unsure of himself for asking. Castiel hated that. Dean had never been unsure with anything before, never. He was always so focused on what he wanted and needed. But right now, Castiel could tell this was the most unsure he'd ever been. 

“Have you really forgotten?” Castiel replied. He placed his hand in Dean's. He could see the fight warring behind those green orbs. Castiel knew he wanted to tear his hand away, walk away, but he knew he also wanted to stay. Castiel didn't give him a chance to make the decision. “You're running again, Dean. I promised I would be here when you come back.” 

Dean stood abruptly, almost knocking Castiel back off his feet. He watched as Dean moved away from him, keeping his back to him. Castiel slowly stood, not allowing his gaze to waver, but still allowing Dean his space. Dean had to come back to him on his own terms, that's how this needed to work. 

Finally Dean turned. The tears were back and there was such sadness in his eyes. Somehow, Castiel didn't think he was going to like what came next. “We can't do this, Cas. It's not going to work. I mean, long distance relationships never work.”

Castiel huffed a sigh of relief. He wasn't running from his feelings, from what happened last night. He was running because he thought they were going to break against the strain of being so far apart. “Who said anything about long distance?”

Amusement swam through him at the sight of the bewilderment that was now written across the hunters perfect features. “But… But you said...”

Castiel moved across the room in one swift movement, leaving them inches apart. His smile softened, his eyes serious. He could feel the heat rise through his body at the close proximity. “I said I needed to make sure the angels are okay after Naomi. I did not say I would be staying to assistant them.”

“Then why go at all?” 

“Because I need to make sure they have someone to follow. Angels don't do well on their own. They are still my family, they are still my responsibility. I'm the reason for they're suffering. The least I can do is ensure they are safe before...” He allowed the sentence trail off, not knowing if Dean would appreciate what he was about to say.

“Before?” Dean pressed softly, his eyes wide and his breathing shallow. If Castiel was really tuned in, he'd probably hear the wild beat of Dean's heart. 

“Before… Before I leave them, for good. When I get back, Dean. I don't plan on leaving, ever. If that's okay with you, that is.”

Castiel had expected relief or happiness at his words, but what he saw instead was pure, unwavering fear. He took a step back in shock, his eyes growing wide and this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Did he not want him to stay? That thought cut deep into his chest and he had to fight the urge to rub at his chest to ease it. 

“But what if you don't, Cas?” 

Castiel tilted his head to the side in confusion. “Don't want?”

It was Dean's turn to close the distance now, cupping his face in both hands, his eyes swimming with tears. “What if you don't come back? What if they are just as angry with you as those other angels? What if I...” He watched as Dean swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly. “What if I lose you?” 

Castiel sucked in a sharp breath that burned his lungs. Dean wanted him to come back, he wanted him to stay, wanted to keep him here. He was just scared, scared of what might happen. He reached up and cupped Dean's hands with his own, knowing that he will need as much reassurance as he can give. “I will come back. Nothing will keep me away. Nothing.”

Dean sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, as though he was trying to regain his composure. Castiel waited patiently, waiting for him to come to terms with whatever was running through his head. “I almost lost you, Cas. Naomi almost… I can't go through that again.” 

His eyes were still closed as a lone tear escaped. Castiel reached out with one hand and gently wiped it away. “Look at me, Dean.” It took Dean a few more moments and a couple of shallow breaths later, he finally opened his eyes. Castiel forced himself to remain calm as he looked at the concern written in those watery, green eyes. “I know you're worried. I am too. But this is something I have to do. Please. I need to know your okay with this.”

Dean turned around sharply, leaving Castiel's hands hanging in mid air. He was so shocked by the sudden movement, it took him far too long to realise that he should drop his hands. Dean kept his back to him and Castiel could see his shoulders rising and falling. He was struggling to keep his emotions in check, struggling with the worst scenarios his mind could conjure up. When he finally turned back round, the first thing that Castiel noticed was how his eyes had hardened and sadness washed through him again. Dean was shutting himself off, or preparing for an argument, either one wasn't something Castiel wanted. “But I'm not, Cas. I'm not okay with it. I will never be okay with it and I can't pretend otherwise. If you go, then it has to be without my blessing.” 

Unfortunately, Castiel understood this. He didn't want to understand, he wanted to fight Dean on this one. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. “If I go, will I still have you to come back to?” Somehow he needed to know, he needed to know that Dean would wait for him, no matter how long this took. 

He had expected Dean's eyes to soften, to hold love and kindness. But he didn't change. He was still protecting himself, still keeping himself emotionally distance. Castiel's heart broke, because he knew. He knew Dean wasn't going to be there. He wasn't okay with this. He was never going to be okay and he was going to make Castiel suffer because he was suffering. They stood staring for too long but Dean never ventured an answer. Maybe Dean didn't know the answer, or maybe he just didn't want to voice the truth. But either way, he felt his heart sink, felt the loss of what they'd shared. He shivered with the knowledge that if he walked out that door he wouldn't be welcomed back. 

A huge part of him didn't want to leave, didn't want to loose this, but another part needed to go, needed to make sure the angels were okay. Why didn't Dean understand his urgency on the matter? Anger started to replace the hurt and sadness. He was always bending over backwards to accommodate Dean's needs. Why couldn't Dean offer him the same curtsey? He voluntarily hardened his own eyes, allowing Dean to know he wasn't okay with this. Dean's own eyes widened slightly at the change, but quickly went back to glaring. 

Castiel took a step towards him. “I have done nothing but help you. I have done nothing but try to be understanding with the dangerous decisions you have made. Why can't you do the same for me?” Dean didn't answer, didn't look like he was going to either. The anger that had been rising within started to burn furiously through his veins. “Answer me,” he finally bellowed. 

Dean jumped at his voice. “Because I can't lose you,” he yelled, his face growing red with his own anger. 

“And you think I can lose you? You constantly make stupid, dangerous, selfish decisions, but I at least understand why you need to do them. Why can't you understand why I need to do this?” This was becoming a shouting match now, but Castiel was not going to back down from this. 

“I do understand, I just don't agree.”

Okay, well that was something, Castiel thought to himself. He took a couple of steadying breaths, dousing the fire within to peter out. “Will you still be here when I return?” he asked, softening his eyes. Even if he didn't like the answer, he needed to hear it. He slowly started to prepare himself for the heartbreak that was sure to come. 

Dean looked down, his own anger diminishing. “I don't know.” His answer was barely audible, but Castiel heard it. No amount of preparing was enough for this. He felt his the crippling pain shoot across his chest and he forced himself not fall to the floor from the weight of it. He swayed on his feet as his eyes started to sting. He knew what was coming and he didn't want to do that, not here, not in front of Dean. If he was going to break, he had to do it far, far away. 

When Dean looked up, he saw the sadness and pain shining from them. This was hurting him, too. The anger was slowly igniting again. What gave him the right to hurt because of this? This was, after all, his decision. “You're a coward,” he spat through gritted teeth. 

Dean's eyes widened in surprise. Castiel was surprised as well. Not by the words, but by the venom that came with them. “What?” 

“You heard me. You're just finding reason after reason to end this. If you don't want this, at least tell me straight instead of using excuses.” Those words hurt, but there was no way he was going to show Dean that. 

“I-” Dean's eyes darted from side to side. That was it, that was the end of Castiel's heart as he knew it. Dean didn't know what to say, he didn't know if he wanted this. Castiel, not once, thought those words were true. When he'd called him a coward it was just a way to get Dean to hurt just as much as he did. It was petty, he knew that, even more so when he said that Dean didn't want this. He thought he did, especially after last night. 

This was the end. He couldn't be here any more, he couldn't be near the man he will never have any more. “I'll make this easy on you.” He turned to walk out the door, his heart no longer beating in his chest, no longer hurting. He was finally numb from it all. This was his limit. He couldn't take any more. 

Startling him, a hand reached out and gripped his hand. Castiel froze, not looking over his shoulder. “I do want this, Cas. I'm just scared of losing you. If this is something you have to do, then okay, I support you and I will wait for you. I will be here when you get back.”

Castiel didn't feel anything. He was just saying it, that's all, to stop him from leaving for good. But Castiel didn't care. Dean had hurt him too many times to count and this has gone far enough. He slowly looked into those pleading eyes. He pushed that hand away, shocking Dean. “I don't know if I want to return.” 

With nothing more to be said, Castiel exited the room, leaving a very hurt Dean. Castiel didn't care. He didn't care if this hurt them both. Not any more. He walked down the corridor, into the map room where Sam was sitting. He could hear Dean's cries, calling for him, pleading with him to wait. But Castiel didn't, couldn't. He wasn't going to let Dean get away with hurting him any more. Sam's eyes widened as a panicked Dean rushed into the room. 

“Cas, please.” 

Castiel pounded up the stairs and out of the bunker into the warms sunshine. The moment the sun hit his face and he gulped in a lungful of air he flapped his wings and vanished, vaguely aware that Dean had followed him, still pleading. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Dean had no idea what had just happened. One minute they were discussing him leaving and the next they were debating over whether Dean wanted to be with Cas. He was honest, as honest as he'd ever been with anyone, including Sam. Yet, Cas still left. 

He had pleaded with him to return, to not leave like that. The thought of that possibly being the last time they saw each other was clawing away at his insides. If Cas really did want to leave, then fine, Dean could understand that, as much as it hurt to think about, but… but he couldn't leave things like that. He needed Cas to know that he loves him, that he does want this, just as much as he does. 

When it became obvious that he wasn't going to return, he hung his head in shame as the sharp bite of pain ricocheted throughout his chest. “Cas? I didn't want to do this through prayer. Hell, I don't even know if you're listening to me right now.” His body started shaking as the tears came fast and quiet down his flushed cheeks. He fell to his knees, holding his hands in front of him, watching with fascination as they shook. He heaved in a shuddering breath. “I need you to know. I love you, Cas, and I'm waiting for you to return, if you decide you want to return. If you decide that you don't want to...” The words sliced through is already shattered heart and he forced himself to continue. “Please, just let me know you're okay, that you're safe. If you don't want to see me, then just tell Sam. I need to know you're okay.” 

He waited, just in case Cas returned. His eyes now darted around, his ears listening intently to the sounds around him, hoping to hear the tell-tale signs of flapping wings. But nothing came. Realisation hit then, sending him stumbling backwards, making him land on his ass. He'd hurt Cas too many times. Cas has had enough. But who could blame him, really? 

With a heavy heart, he slowly pulled himself off the floor and shuffled back into the bunker. Sam was sitting at the library table and Dean completely ignored him, not wanting to discuss anything yet. Instead he headed for his room. Once there, he fell, literally, on to his bed, burying his face into the pillow. The tears started to come faster, the sobs pushed up from his chest. Not able to hold them in any more, he finally let out an almighty yell that was muffled by the pillow. 

Finally, the tears stopped. His throat was sore from yelling, his eyes stung from the tears and his head throbbed. He rolled over, wondering how long he'd been led there like that. He looked at his cell on the night stand, pressed the button. He'd been led there all day. It was now reaching midnight. Sam hadn't been to check on him which Dean felt relieved and grateful for. He stood, grabbed a few items from his drawers and moved out of the room. Briefly the thought about how he hadn't eaten all day, his stomach had started to protest against it, but he didn't want to eat, couldn't stomach anything. 

With one last longing look at the room, he sighed. There was no way he could sleep in there, in that bed, not after last night. With the weight of his pain, he moved down the hall in the hope of getting some sleep. 

As he rounded the corner he ran into Sam, colliding with him. Dean didn't look at him, instead he waited patiently for him to move out of the way, instead his brother started to talk softly. “Look, uh, I know we had a hunt today, I got some other hunter to take it. Figured you didn't really want to go.”

Dean didn't say anything as he kept is eyes averted. The pain in his chest was now hollowing out, numbing. He didn't answer his brother, couldn't bring himself to. He knew that if he did, Sam would see it as an opening and he really didn't want to talk. Sam sighed, moving to the side. Dean carried on walking, feeling Sam's eyes burning through his back. 

That was when Dean realised. He realised what not wanting to eat, not wanting to hunt, not wanting to talk meant. 

He was broken and nothing was going to fix him. Nothing except Cas.


	15. Chapter 15

Emptiness. Hollow.

That was all he felt now. Nothing. He didn't feel happy, sadness, anger, love. There was nothing. Just this emptiness that was swallowing him whole, refusing to let him go, refusing to let him be. In some part of his mind he wanted to cry, to scream, but he couldn't. As soon as the thought came to him, he was sure to push it away quickly, before his eyes welled up. He wouldn't allow himself to feel the sorrow, or the pain of losing Cas. He couldn't. This was all his fault anyway. 

He glanced at the bedroom door, knowing that any moment now Sammy would enter, trying to coax him to eat something, to shower, to do anything but lie in this god damn bed. He didn't want to do any of those things, he didn't want to do anything but lie here and allow his mind to numb itself from all thoughts. He'd lost all concept of time. It could have been days, it could have been weeks, or even years, since Cas had walked away. Dean hadn't tried to call for him, he didn't feel like he deserved the forgiveness, not that he'd be willing to give it to him. There was no way he was going to try and earn it back. There was no point. Even if Cas did, miraculously, forgive him, Dean would fuck it all up again anyway. So what was the point? 

As if on cue, a knock sounded on the door. Dean turned away, sighing, his eyes latching onto the ceiling. He heard the door opening, but he refused to look. He didn't want to see the worried look in his brothers eyes. If he did, he knew he would crumble, would be forced to put on a fake show that everything was okay. He couldn't do it. Not any more. After years of doing that for his brother's benefit, for Cas's benefit, he was just so tired. All he wanted to do was curl up and die. 

Sam's heavy breathing could be heard from the doorway as the light spilled into the room. Dean could almost hear the cogs working in his brothers brain, he was trying to figure out a new way to get Dean to leave the room. “Dean?”

Dean didn't respond, didn't know if he could. How long had it been since he last said anything? He knew the last words he'd spoken was to Cas, knew exactly what those words were. But how long ago was that? 

“Dean, please.” Still Dean didn't say anything, silently praying for his brother to leave in peace. Usually, his brother wouldn't stay for long, couple of minuets at most. Sam would sense it was pointless and just leave, ready to try again soon. This time was different. This time he heard footsteps draw closer to the bed. He forced himself to keep staring at that damn white ceiling. He was not curious about what his brother was doing. He wasn't allowed to feel anything but the pain he felt at losing the best thing that had ever happened to him. Nothing but this bottomless pit of agony. 

The footsteps stopped. Nothing could be heard except heavy breathing. Dean desperately tried not to glance at Sammy, but with every silent second that passed, he could feel his will crumbling. Just as he was about to give in and look at the man next him, his brother spoke. “This has to stop, Dean. It's been nearly two weeks!” 

Without any real thought, Dean snapped his head around to stare at his brother, his eyes grew round and his mouth hung open in shock. Two weeks? Was that all? It had felt so much longer. His brother's eyes were watery and emotional. Damn! He should not have looked at him. He was starting to feel a stir in his chest, an urge to make his brother feel okay again, to make him stop worrying. Urgently, he turned his head back around, his eyes latching back onto the ceiling. He's not allowed to feel anything else, nothing else. That's how it needed to be, for now, anyway.

“Dean, please? You have to eat something. You can't stay here forever.”

Dean wanted to snap a retort back, something like, 'Oh, yeah? Watch me!'. He kept his mouth firmly shut instead, waiting, willing his brother to just go already. To leave him alone to drown in this unbearable grief. 

A few moments passed and finally, finally, Sam withdrew from the room, sighing heavily, closing the door behind him. Dean released a hard breath, a breath he hadn't realised he was holding. Silence, at last. He was alone again, alone to keep feeling this agonising pain. To keep feeling everything he damn well deserved. 

It could have a been minuets, it could have been hours for all Dean knew, and still he hadn't moved an inch when another knock sounded at the door. This one sounded different, more hesitant, more nervous. He didn't move though, didn't make a sound. Whatever Sammy wants, it can't be good if he's knocking like that. A few moments passed and the door slowly swung open and still Dean couldn't bring himself to move, to look at his brother. He knew, deep down, that he should move, should show signs that he really was okay, just to stop Sam from worrying, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't escape this constant pain that had rapidly enveloped him whole. 

“Dean?”

Dean swung his head around so fast that he saw black spots in front of his vision. He closed his eyes as a wave of nausea washed through him, and he tried to gulp past it. When he finally opened his eyes again he saw the man standing nervously in the entrance to his room. His heart picked up speed, his body twitched with need. He wanted nothing more than to dive across the room and embrace him. Disbelief wormed its way through the shock. Was he imagining this? Was this his brain's way of torturing him? Had he finally gone insane? He didn't dare move, didn't dare blink, afraid Cas would disappear. He could feel the hope igniting and he tried so desperately to push it away. Even if he was really here, that didn't mean anything, not really, This might be Cas coming to say goodbye, to make this final. If that was it, he didn't think he would be able to cope with those words.

Dean didn't say anything, not because he didn't want to, but because he was unsure of what he should say. What do you say to a guy you've hurt too many times to count? 'Oh, hey. I'm sorry for being a jerk, forgive me?'. Sorry wasn't going to cut it, not this time. 

Cas moved cautiously, covering the distance between the doorway and the bed. He stopped at the bed, his eyes narrowing in on him. He wilted under that penetrating stare, under those steely blue eyes. They were accusing Dean of something, what, he didn't know. He'd fucked up so many times in the past few months. 

“When was the last time you slept?” Cas's voice was soft. If Dean hadn't been looking into those hardened eyes, he would have sworn Cas was feeling sad for him. But as it was, he was staring into those eyes and he could feel the anger flowing from them. 

He didn't answer, not knowing what to say. He generally didn't know when the last time he slept was. All he knew was that his body was exhausted, screaming at him to sleep. He had tried, plenty of times, but every time he closed his eyes he would picture the way Cas's body had felt against his as they showed each other just how much they loved one another. He wasn't allowed to think about the good times with him. It was his fault there was going to be no more of them. 

Cas sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. Dean stared at his trench coat clad back. What was he doing here? He wanted to ask, wanted to ask all the important questions, but still he couldn't bring himself to talk. Cas turned to look over his shoulder. His eyes had softened now, filling with sadness and guilt. What did he have to feel guilty about? Reaching out, Cas touched the back of his hand to Dean's cheeks. Panic hit him hard and fast, he recoiled, moving urgently out of the touch, shuffling across his bed as his heart hammered in his chest. The electricity he'd felt from that one small touch sent thrills rushing through him. He wasn't allowed to feel that, he wasn't allowed to feel good after everything he'd done. It was easier than he thought it would be to ignore the hurt that had fallen upon the angels features, but all he could focus on was the way his head spun from the sudden movement, sending the room spinning around him. That had been the first major movement in forever. 

Cas dropped his hand to the bed, lowering his eyes and Dean knew he felt guilty. He wanted nothing more than to tell him he had nothing to feel guilty about, that this wasn't his fault, but he couldn't get his mouth to work. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like that.”

He watched as Cas turned back around, his head bowed towards the floor. Dean didn't think about what he was doing, didn't register it until he was slowly moving back across the bed towards Cas. He should stop. He shouldn't allow himself this. He continued anyway, knowing that this movement had nothing to do with him and everything to do with Cas. He wanted Cas to be okay, he wanted to comfort him, show him that this wasn't his fault. 

On his knees behind the angel, he slowly, cautiously, wrapped his arms around the man, linking his hands at his hard chest. With a deep breath, he leant his head against the hard muscles of his back. As the contentment filled him, he fought against the urge to remove himself from Cas. He wasn't suppose to feel this, not after everything, but once again told himself that this wasn't about him, this was about Cas. 

He felt Cas lean back into the embrace. Dean should say something, something reassuring, something that would make the angel feel better. But what? Without thinking, he spoke, his throat hurting and constricting in protest, but he ignored it. “You were right.”

Cas turned and Dean tried to release him, but Cas reached up and held onto to Dean's linked hands, sending that familiar electricity shooting through him again. Their eyes locked and for a moment neither of them said anything. He knew Cas wanted him to elaborate, to explain what he meant by that. “I was being a coward. Trying to find an excuse to end this.” He hadn't realised how true that was until he uttered those words. 

“So, you want it to end?” Cas's voice was laced with pain and sorrow and understanding, it broke Dean's heart. He could have sworn he heard a hint of hope as well, surely he'd imagined that. He considered the question. Did he want it to end? He thought back to the last time they saw each other, the way he had pushed him away at the first sign of trouble. 

“I did.”

Cas moved so suddenly, sending Dean to his ass on the bed. He watched with shock as Cas started to move towards the door. Panic pushed all reason out of the window, if there had been a window. He was going to leave again, he was going to leave Dean all alone, feeling the agony of loss. “Wait, Cas!” Cas froze, but didn't turn, he saw that as a good sign. 

Quickly, he moved to the edge of the bed, not allowing the nausea and the dizziness to take control just yet. “Please, don't go. I can't… I can't do this any more.”

The tears came freely, flowing fast and hot. Cas didn't turn, didn't look at him and that just made the tears come even faster. “Do what?”

Dean swiped at his tears, trying to form his thoughts into words. He hated anything remotely to do with expressing his emotions. He needed to do this for Cas, Cas needed this from him. “I can't feel this way any more.” He stood and slowly moved across the room, afraid that Cas would disappear on him again. He once again wrapped his arms around the angel, pressing his chest against his back and leant his forehead into his shoulder blades. He felt Cas stiffen with tension but he didn't move away. Small mercies. “I've missed you, so damn much,” he whispered. 

Cas didn't move, didn't relax. “I can't do this any more, Dean.”

Dean felt the sudden jolt of pain in his chest. Was Cas finishing this for good? Had he finally had enough of his drama? He felt Cas move in his arms, and he tried to hold on tighter, not ready for this to end yet, not ready to say goodbye. He didn't know how to, didn't know if he'd survive it. Of course, his efforts meant nothing to Cas, but to his relief he didn't step away, he just turned to face him. Slowly, and cautiously, he bent his head and caught Dean's lips. Instantly Dean melted at the feel of it, at the taste and he needed so much more. He opened his mouth to allow Cas's tongue access, but instead Cas pulled away. When Dean looked at him, his heart started to wilt at the sight. Cas had tears streaming down his face and Dean knew. He knew this was goodbye. 

He held on tighter. If he let him go, the angel would disappear. Cas tried to extract himself from his arms, but he held on tighter. “Don't, please.” Begging. He hated begging. But if this would get him to stay, he would do it hundred times more. 

“Dean,” he sighed with so much sorrow in his voice it made him loosen his grip slightly. “Please, don't make this harder.”

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” It hurt. Everywhere. He didn't want to let him go, not like this. He understood, so much. He understood why Cas needed to say goodbye, understood why he needed this to end. He was protecting himself, again. Always the need to protect himself, it shouldn't be that way. 

“Dean-”

“I love you.” He couldn't let him walk out that door without knowing what he truly felt, what he would forever feel. Cas's eyes widened at the unexpected words. Dean surged forwards and placed a small, gentle kiss on those perfect plump lips. To his surprise, Cas kissed back, just as gentle. He closed his eyes, memorising how they felt, how they tasted, how they moulded perfectly to his. He memorised how this kiss made him feel, so light, so warm, so happy. When he finally pulled away, he allowed the pain of the moment to take hold once again. The tears started up again as he withdrew from the angel and taking a step back. 

He waited for the inevitable, waited for him to turn to leave, but he didn't. He was stood frozen, eyes wide. Dean felt frustration growing within him. If he was going to leave, he needed to do it now or he would end up begging again. He wasn't going to do that. He had no right to keep him here. He had no right to ask him not to go.

Nobody moved for the longest of moments. Dean opened his mouth, to tell him to hurry and go if he was going to, but Cas spoke softly first. “I can't.”

Dean narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Can't what?”

Cas sighed and dropped his gaze to the floor. “Stay,” he whispered. 

“I know.” Cas snapped his eyes back to Dean's in shock. “I understand, Cas. I pushed you to breaking point and now...” he took a step forward, but not allowing himself to touch the angel, if he did, he knew he would break. “You're scared. It's okay.”

Cas tilted his head to the side, his eyes shrinking to slits. “It's a lot of things, but okay is not one of them.”

“I understand. Just… if you're going to leave, please can you just do it.” He was pleading with him, not knowing how long he could hold back for. Cas nodded in understanding. Dean loved the way he would always understand what he was trying to say without him actually having to use words. He turned to leave and Dean reached out, wrapping his fingers around his skinny wrist. “I just need you to know something first.” Cas nodded for him to continue. “I will always love you. No matter what. I will always love you and… You need to know that the time we've spent together, it's that happiest I've ever been. I will always be so grateful to you for that.”

He released the wrist, watching as Cas hesitated for a moment. He had no idea where that had all come from, but he knew it was the truth and it hurt so much. He needed Cas to hurry up and leave because he couldn't hold back his pain for much longer. He needed to break, he needed to cry, to sob, to scream, anything that would release him from what he was feeling. 

“Same here, Dean.” It was barely audible, but he'd heard it just fine. He couldn't hold himself up any more as those words pierced through him. He collapsed to the floor, heaving in a deep breath as he tried to take back control. But it was pointless. The tears came hard and fast, the sob started to bubble inside him and he flung a hand across his mouth to stop it. Cas couldn't see him like this. He needed to know it was okay. That it would all be okay. 

He felt strong arms wrap around him, heard a soft mumbling in his ear, he couldn't hear what he was saying, all he could hear was the blood pumping loudly. He looked at the man who was holding him. His eyes were sad and filled with guilt.

Suddenly he didn't care that he was Dean Winchester. He didn't care that this wasn't something he didn't do, but everything be damned, he needed to try. Cas was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he was not going to let that go so easily. “Please, don't go. I'm done running. I won't run no more, I promise. Just don't leave me again.”

“Dean-” 

“I love you and I will shout it to the whole world if it meant you won't leave me. Please.” He reached up and stroked the angels stubbly cheek, loving how rough it was against his skin. “Please,” he whispered once more. 

Cas darted his eyes uncomfortably to the bed. “Come on. Let's get you in bed.”

Dean shook his head in protest, he didn't want his bed, he wanted Cas. But Cas heaved him off the floor, dragged him across the room and placed him gently under the covers. He turned to leave and Dean reached out to grip his wrist again, panic overpowering him. 

“I'm just going to get Sam to make you something to eat.”

“I'm not hungry,” he mumbled. He really wasn't. 

“Tough.” With that, Cas released his wrist and was gone from the room. Dean felt the emptiness once again and tried not to think about how Cas was probably just trying to find a reason to leave without him clinging to him. 

-SUPERNATURAL-

What was he to do? He felt so lost, so unsure of himself. He had come here to say goodbye because he couldn't do this no more, he couldn't keep feeling this excruciating pain. He owed it to Dean to make it final, he owed it to himself. As he stared at the closed door, he found his heart pounding in his chest. Did Dean mean what he said? Was he really done running? 

He couldn't believe that, couldn't allow himself to. Dean had hurt him so many times now, that he just couldn't open himself up to that hope again. Instead of thinking about this any more, he turned and slowly made his way down the corridor. He was going to leave after he got Dean something to eat. Once he'd done that, that would be it. He couldn't keep doing this. Before he had come here, he'd made himself promise to be strong, to not give in to Dean. He thought back to a moment ago, when they had been on that floor, embracing each other, Dean begging. He had felt his will crumbling, he had been moments away from giving in. That's why he'd suggested food, that's why he made a hasty retreat. He needed to gather his thoughts. He needed to gather his will power to do what was necessary, not for Dean, but for himself. 

He walked into the kitchen, down the couple of steps and halted. Sam was sat at the table, coffee in one hand, and his tablet in the other. When Cas walked in, he looked up, placing both items on the table and smiled nervously. “Has he said anything yet?”

“Yes. Would it be okay if you made him something to eat?” Sam's eyebrows shot up into his hairline in shock. 

“He's willing to eat something?”

This had Castiel reeling backwards in shock. He knew he hadn't been sleeping, but not eating? “Sam, I think its about time you explained to be what's been going on. It must be serious if he's not even eating.”

Sam stood, his eyes darting from side to side nervously. “It's you, Cas.”

“What's me?”

Sam finally locked his eyes onto Cas's, determination filling them. “He can't live without you.” 

Cas felt his heart pick up speed, felt his the hope spring forth. He tried to stamp it down, it has never done him any good to hope, but he couldn't stop it. Maybe Dean was telling the truth, maybe he was really done running. “I don't understand.”

“Cas,” Sam sighed. “He really, really loves you. I've never seen him like this, not with anyone. Not family, not friends, not girlfriends. Just with you.”

Sam didn't wait for a reply. Instead he brushed past Cas and out of the kitchen. He thought about shouting to him about the food, but thought better of it. He needed to discuss things with Dean. Needed to understand exactly what he wants, especially before he makes his final decision. He knew he was going to say goodbye, but if Dean really was done with running and he loved Cas as much as Sam was proposing, then he'd be stupid to let that go. 

He raced back to the bedroom, his heart thudding in his chest. He took in a deep breath and opened the door. Dean was lying in the same position he'd left him in, only this time he was openly sobbing. He'd not even realised Cas had entered the room. He watched for a minute, allowing the sight to tug painfully on his heart. Is this what he'd done to the man he loved? This wasn't who Dean was. He didn't sob, he didn't stop eating. No, Dean would get angry, would destroy things, hunt monsters, drink himself into oblivion and do it all over again. Maybe this is what love does to someone, maybe Sam was right and Dean really did love him. 

He closed the door behind him. “Dean?”

Dean snapped his eyes to his, his sobbing ceasing, but the tears still came. “You… You forgot my food.” That was as close to the real Dean as he was going to get. That comment didn't hold any of the playful manor Dean would offer with it, but it was closet he'd gotten since he'd returned. 

“We should talk.” 

He watched as Dean sat himself up against the headboard, wiping his tears away. Castiel forced the twitch in his body away, he wanted to go to him, comfort him, to tell him he was never going anywhere and he didn't need to worry. But he couldn't do any of those things. Not until he knew. 

Dean nodded his acceptance and waited. Castiel couldn't look him in the eye, couldn't bring himself to. He knew what he'd see there, fear of what was going to be said. He took in a deep breath, bracing himself for the answer that would surely follow. “Did you mean it?”

“Mean… mean what?”

Another deep breath. “Your promise. No more running?”

Castiel held his breath and waited for the answer that was either going to make him or break him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment...


	16. Chapter 16

His heart was a shattered mess as he watched the angel hovering before him, eyes wide, expectant, waiting, hoping. Dean tried to process the question, tried to process that Cas hadn't left yet, tried to process that he was in the most vulnerable situation he'd ever found himself in. He tried to move closer to the angel and ceased his movements as the aching throbbed through his entire body, screaming at him that he needed sleep and food, but this was important. He couldn't check out yet, couldn't use excuses to shy away from this conversation. 

He took in a shaky breath. He had begged Cas not to leave, had promised him he wouldn't run. He didn't think for one second that Cas would actually consider his promise. Now, after the question had left his mouth, Dean was left wondering if he could come through on it. Could he really come through on a promise like that? If he was to stop this feeling inside of him, this depressed and dangerous feeling, then he had to follow through with it, there was no other way around it. Cas needed this from him, needed him not to run no more. If he couldn't stick to it then Cas would have no other choice but to leave again, to protect himself. 

As the silence dragged on, he watched with painful wonder as Castiel's blue eyes met his green ones, holding nothing but sadness and disappointment. He desperately wanted to take that look away, wanted to reassure him that he would hold his promise, no matter what.

He opened his mouth, to do just that, but just as he did, Cas disappeared, leaving through the open door. The panic hit him hard and fast. He was about to lose him again. No, he can't, not again. He can't keep playing this broken, useless man. He just can't. Finally, his limbs started to work properly, his brain kicked back into gear and he jumped from his bed, throwing the covers back violently. He raced out of his room, his feet slapped against the floor, his arms pushed against the cold air, urging him to go faster around the bends of the corridor. 

“Cas, wait!” He saw the billowing trench coat disappear as it rounded the corner, and for a moment Dean hoped that he will see that messy black hair appear, but it didn't. “Cas!” 

The panic was consuming him now, making his heart beat ten times faster than it should be. He felt the tears threatening to fall down his pale cheeks. Entering the library, he paused at the sight before him. Cas was stood with his back to him, arms hanging limply by his sides. That's not what caught his eye, it was his brother. Sam was blocking the only exit out of the bunker, arms folded across his muscled chest, eyes narrowed in angrily at the angel. 

He didn't say anything, unsure of whether they are aware he'd finally left his room. He took an unsteady step forward as he tried to will his weakness away. Now was not the time to be weak, now was the time to prove to Cas that he could do this. 

“You can't leave, Cas. He needs you!” His brother's voice was low and steady, but it held accusation and anger. Sam was trying to fix this. Even Dean knew that the only person that could fix this was him. 

“Watch me!” Cas bellowed in that powerful angel voice that Dean loved so much. He tried to side-step Sam, but Sam just followed, not allowing him to leave, not allowing him to make his hasty retreat. “I came here and accomplished what I originally planned on doing. There is nothing left for me to do. Now move!”

“Cas?” He watched as Cas's body stiffened with tension and Dean had never hated himself more. The tears finally came then, no longer able to hold them back. This is what he's become now, an emotional wreck. Somehow he was okay with that. 

Cas slowly turned to face him. His eyes were soft but wary and Dean wanted nothing more than to bundle him up in his arms and just kiss away all their pain, all his pain. Of course, he couldn't do that, he would only be rejected. He fisted his hands at his sides, forcing himself not reach out to him. Cas needed space and that's what he was going to give him. Nothing good could come out of unwanted comfort. 

“Please, don't go.” He was back to begging again and he was more than okay with that, even if his brother was watching with a shocked expression. Dean Winchester never begged, pleaded or showed any kind of emotion except rage, everyone knew that. 

“Dean-”

“No, you can't leave.” He could feel the panic swelling up again as he watched Cas become guarded, and sorrowful, even guilty. He was going to leave, no matter what Dean said. “You can't leave. I didn't even get to answer your question. I'm sorry it took me so long, I was just shocked. I thought you'd left and even if I had come up with a scenario where you came back, that would have been the last thing I thought you would have said.” He was rambling, he knew it and he really didn't care. He could feel the pounding in his head return, he could feel it spinning out of control. His vision was starting to get dark, Cas and Sam was going in and out of focus. He chose to ignore it, needing to get this out. “Please, Cas. I really did mean it. I promise, no more running.”

He watched as Cas took a step forwards. The darkness was starting to close in and he could feel himself swaying on the spot. His body ached from being so weak, his stomach felt empty and he could feel the bile rise up. His breaths started to come fast and short, trying to take back the control he seemed to have lost over his body. He shook his head, needing his vision to return to normal. 

His green eyes latched onto blue ones as they widened in shock. Cas was frozen mid-step. No, he didn't shake his head at him to stop his advances. He opened his mouth about to apologize, but paused as the darkness grew. Was he about to pass out? No, he couldn't. What if he does and Cas leaves him again? He wouldn't have a chance to try and stop him. 

Dean tried to push the panic away, knowing it was making the darkness close in quicker. He glanced at his brother. This was it, he was about to pass out. 

Just before the darkness engulfed him, he saw his brother's eyes widen. He knew what was happening. Years of practice had alerted him to the signs. He watched with slight horror as Sam shoved his way past Cas, knocking him sideways, darting towards him, yelling his name. 

His legs gave out then, his knees hitting the hard wood floor. Just before his head hit as well, he felt his brother's large hands cradling him. Then nothing. Just darkness. 

-SUPERNATURAL -

It was too much. Everything was too much. He wanted so badly to be out of this vicious cycle that had its claws buried deep inside him. After Dean had collapsed on the floor, Castiel thought his heart had been ripped from his chest as the panic swelled within him. He hadn't realised he was so bad. He really didn't. There he'd been, on the floor, breathing, but unconscious, proof that Dean was in a really bad place. He waited for two days, two days of Sam telling him small reports of Dean's health. He was eating, if you could call it that, a sandwich here and there, not much, not like he use to eat. He'd finally showered, which Sam seemed ecstatic about, might have something to do with the smell, not that Cas noticed. According to Sam, he still wasn't sleeping though, which Cas didn't find all that surprising considering Dean hardly slept anyway. 

For two days, while Sam nursed Dean back to health, he waited patiently in the library. There was nothing much for him to do but think, think about every conversation, every touch that had passed between him and Dean, questioning what would have happened if he'd done something different. If he was being totally honest with himself, none of this would have happened if he hadn't let slip that he was in fact in love with him in the first place. But after that… after that, there was so many things he could have done differently, said differently. He'd asked too much of him, that much was obvious. Again, he should be honest with himself again. What if Dean wasn't the only one running? What if Cas was pushing him away? Castiel wasn't the type to do that, but he'd been hurt so many times, he was terrified of it happening again. It's not a feeling he wants to grow accustomed to. Love… Yeah, he'd feel that over and over again. But pain, heartache? No, he could do without that. What if he's the one causing the heartache now? What if this is all his doing? 

Late into the evening on the second day, Sam had announced that he was doing a food run and gave Castiel direct orders to not visit Dean because he could do without the added stress. Cas could get behind that, of course he could, Dean's health came first, always did, always would. 

However… However, he could feel that pull, the pull that always took him to Dean. He glanced awkwardly towards the bunker exit, where Sam had left only ten minutes ago. He shouldn't do that, he shouldn't go to him. Before he could even protest against it, he was making his way down the corridor and stopping outside of Dean's bedroom. Hesitating, he took in a deep breath. He should leave, he should go back to the library and wait for Sam to return. He tried to weigh up the two options in his mind. If he went back to the library, Dean would stay stress free and Sam wouldn't get angry with him for making him stressed. But if he entered… What would he even say? Goodbye? No, he couldn't, even if he wanted to, that was no longer an option. He wanted to stay, he wanted to be with the man he was deeply in love with. What if Dean doesn't want to? What if, over the past two days, he's come to a decision that this is too much trouble, that he's better off without Castiel? The pain shot through him at that thought. Decision made. It was the cowards way out, he knew that, but still, it was for the best. 

Just as he went to turn and leave, the door opened. Castiel's heart started hammering in his chest, his eyes widened and panic took over. The cowards way out wasn't going to happen now. He allowed his eyes to graze over Dean. He looked exhausted, but he had a lot more colour in him now, and he looked a lot fresher. His eyes latched onto Dean's, and Castiel was slightly taken aback by the shock in them. 

Castiel knew someone should break the silence and he desperately tried to think of something to say. “You should be resting.” He was quite pleased with himself at that statement. It stayed in the safe zone and it was the truth, he should be back in bed, sleeping if that was possible. 

“I needed to see...” His voice was barely a whisper, and Castiel needed to strain to hear it. 

“See what?”

“To see if Sam was telling the truth.” Castiel cocked his head to the side in confusion, narrowing his eyes. The truth about what? He was about to answer when Dean continued, “He told me you were still here.”

A warmth spread through his chest, making his head swim with all kinds of emotions. Dean had been thinking about him. He smiled, a teeth showing smile. “Of course. You meant it? No more running?” Dean frowned which made Castiel's smile drop right to his stomach. Had he changed his mind? He started to move backward. The pain shooting through his chest. He couldn't let Dean see this was getting to him, that this was hurting him. “Never mind. Forg-”

Dean had reached out and grabbed his hand, sending a shock of electricity shooting up his arm. He paused, glancing at their joined hands, wondering what this small gesture meant. Why was Dean stopping him from leaving? When his eyes gradually met those amazing green ones, he almost pulled back with wonder. They were filled with hope and confusion. “Stay.”

Castiel could only nod his agreement as his mouth dried up. Instinctively, his tongue ran along his bottom lip to wet it as Dean gently pulled him into the bedroom. Castiel quietly closed the door, listening for the soft click. When his eyes met Dean's again, they were still full of hope. He  
wanted to so much to lean forward and kiss him, to taste him, to hold him close. He held back, knowing there were a few things he needed to say first, a few things that they both needed to discuss. “I owe you an apology.”

Dean looked away, his uneasiness evident. “No, you don't.”

“Yes. I shouldn't have left. I made my own promise and I broke it and look what happened.” The sadness of the situation swept through him, making him want to cry and sob. Dean was like this because of him and the guilt was slowly consuming him, had been for two days now. 

Dean smirked at him and his eyes finally landed on him. “Yeah, okay. I'll let you have that one. You were right, though.”

Castiel removed his hand from Dean's, allowing it to drop to his side. He took in the state of the room. Clothes everywhere, bed unmade, dishes and glasses littered the floor. This wasn't like Dean, he'd always had pride in his room, it being the only one he'd really ever had. It was the first place he'd ever called home and now look at it. It was a mess and Castiel hated it, hated that this was what Dean had become. Instead of asking what Dean was on about, he moved past him and started picking up clothes, bundling them in his arms. He could feel Dean's eyes burning through the back of his head, but he paid it no attention, wanting to clean this mess up as quick as possible. He needed things to go back to normal, just a little anyway. 

Finally, he picked up the last garment and turned to take them to the laundry hamper. Bur when he turned, Dean was blocking the door, arms folded across his muscled chest, eyes narrowed and lips drawn tightly together. He froze, unsure of how he should proceed. He didn't want to seem like he was trying to make an excuse to leave, he didn't want to send Dean spiralling, not when he was just starting to become himself again. 

“You're running.” Dean's voice was soft, holding no hostility which was a contradiction to his body language. Castiel tilted his head to the side and processed his words. Was that what he was doing? He didn't think he was. He just wanted to help Dean out. Dean let out a sigh and dropped his arms. “You're afraid, Cas. I get it. I really do. You don't want to hurt any more. But if I'm not allowed to run, then neither are you.”

“I'm not running, Dean.”

Dean chuckled quietly. “Okay. Before you take my dirty clothes out of here, let me finish what I was saying.”

“Saying? About what?”

“About how you were right.”

A fresh wave of panic flared within his chest. Dean was right, he was trying to run, run away from whatever was going to come next. That's the real reason he was gathering dirty clothes from the bedroom floor. He needed an escape, an escape he didn't even know he needed until that moment. He gulped audibly as the fear started to make him shake. 

“Hey, its okay.” Dean had taken the few remaining steps between them and grabbed either side of his face. Castiel froze mid-panic as the heat of those hands comforted him. “It's okay.”

He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I'm sorry. I don't know why...”

“I know and its okay. I'm done running, I promise.” Cas nodded. “You were right. I was trying to find an excuse to end this. I don't know why, I didn't even realise I was doing it. But after the past two weeks… I never want to feel like that again, ever. I love you, Cas. I am willing to make this work if you are.”

Yes! He wanted to scream it, wanted to show him just how much he really did want to. But something was holding him back. Dean let his hands drop as disappointment swept across his features, but he didn't take a step back and Cas was grateful for that. He thought about what Dean had said, thought about how he'd felt over the past couple of weeks, or even months. He'd been hurt so many times. Could he really risk it happening again? 

“I want to,” he said, cautiously. “But-”

“You don't know if you can risk it,” Dean finished for him. He stayed silent, afraid to admit it. “I get it. I really do.”

Castiel wanted to apologize, wanted to wrap him up and never let him go. He was going to do just that, but the door banged open and Sam stood in the doorway, an angry glare directed at him. Not Dean. Of course it wouldn't be Dean. Dean was the one who needed help, and besides, he'd specifically told him not to go and see Dean. He slowly wilted under that stare. 

Although his eyes stay trained on Sam, he saw Dean turn slowly to face his brother. Castiel waited, he didn't know what he was waiting for, maybe for Sam to pull him from the room, rambling about how Dean needed less stress not more. Or maybe he was waiting for Dean to kick his brother out so they could finish their talk. 

It was Sam who spoke first. “Cas, I thought I told you.” His voice was eerily quiet, making him shudder uncomfortably. He knew Sam had a point, Dean didn't need any more stress. How was he to explain this to him, to make him understand that he needed to see Dean just as much as Dean needed to see him?

“Sam, you're not my keeper. Leave.” Castiel could feel the anger rolling off of him, could feel him holding back the rage that he knew made him want to punch something. 

“No. You don't need this.” Sam sounded exasperated, as though he'd said this over and over again, a million times if not more. 

“It's okay, Dean.” He went to sidestep him, but an arm flung out, blocking his path. He froze, eyes wide as he latched his eyes onto Dean. His face was flushed with the boiling rage, the kind of rage he only ever saw when a world ending crisis became too much. 

“It's not okay, Cas. He's not our keeper.” Dean's eyes never wavered from his brother and Castiel gulped, knowing what was going to come next. The brothers were going to exchange blows, whether that be physically or verbally, that's what was going to happen. “I've tried to tell you over and over again, Sam. The only thing that will make me better is him. We need to have this talk, prolonging it isn't going to help. I need… we both need to know where we stand. If we're to go…” Dean gulped and his face grew sad. “If we're to go our separate ways, then the sooner I know the better.”

Sam took a step into the room, his face changing from angry to sorrowful. Casriel stayed silent, unsure of what, or if he should say something. “Dean, you're just starting to get better. What if he decides its not a good idea? You're back to square one. I won't see you like that again.”

Castiel felt his face flush with anger. Why was he talking like he wasn't here? “You think I want to?” he bellowed, his voice rumbling through his chest as his pushed past Dean. “You have no idea what you're talking about, so why don't you mind your own business.”

Sam's eyes narrowed in on Cas, who didn't flinch. He wasn't afraid of him, and he didn't really care what he thought either. He just wanted him gone. “Oh, don't I? All I know is that you broke my brothers heart. He ended up a broken, depressed man. He wasn't himself. Just a shell. So don't stand there telling me to mind own business when you left me to pick up the pieces you shattered.” 

“I broke his heart? How about all the other times that you don't know about?” He was angry, so very angry at the way Sam kept looking at him, like he was the enemy. How dare he judge him so quickly, especially when he didn't know the whole story. “That was my last straw and I had no choice to walk out. I was trying to protect myself.”

“What?” Sam's face paled and all the fight left him. It didn't make Cas's anger fade, not even a little. He hated how he was feeling, hated how he was always the first person to be perceived as the enemy, he hated these up and down emotions. 

Castiel let out a sarcastic chuckle. “That's right. You don't know.” He felt and hand on his shoulder, heard the warning call of his name from Dean, but he paid it no attention. “This has been going on long before Dean almost died. That's how long he's broken my heart for. How many times should I let it happen before I've had enough. Tell me, Sam, because I have no idea what the usual protocol for this kind of thing is.”

His chest heaved up and down as he fell silent. The anger started to leave him and regret started to fill him. He shouldn't have said any of that. He rubbed a hand down his face and pulled it away quickly. It was wet with tears, tears he hadn't even realised had rolled down his face. He dropped the washing in his arm and started to walk backwards. His brain had gone into shock, he knew that as he stared down at his shaking hands. It had finally become too much for him. All these emotions, emotions that angels shouldn't even be feeling. This should have happened long before now. Perhaps he should feel grateful he's lasted this long. 

The back of his legs hit the bed and he sat down heavily, sinking into the mattress. The tears had started to come fast and hot now and he tried desperately to suck in a lungful of air. Is this what people mean when they say emotional overload? Is this what was happening now? 

He felt a presence kneel in front of him, but he couldn't focus on them, couldn't focus on anything that wasn't his own pain and exhaustion. Yes, he was so tired of all this, so very tired. Some part of him wanted to forget, forget about Dean and these feelings. Sometimes he wished he was still an angel soldier, when things were so much simpler. But even as he thought that, he didn't really want that. He would never give this up. Not his free will, not his friends and certainly not the feelings for Dean. 

“Cas? I'm so sorry.” Dean's voice brought him back from his thoughts and he instantly searched out those green eyes, those green eyes that were so full of sadness and guilt that it made Cas's heart ache. 

“I- I can't do this any more, Dean. You either want me or you don't.”

He closed his eyes, waiting for the end to come. Dean wouldn't be able to stay, he knew that was too much to ask. He would always keep running, that was just who he was and Cas could never ask him to be something he wasn't. 

Two strong arms wrapped around his shoulders as he felt the mattress dip beside him. He leant into the embrace, needing the comfort they held. Inhaling, he smelt like soap and a little bit of his natural scent. Dean pulled away but still kept a hold of him. “Look at me.”

Castiel reluctantly opened his eyes and caught the determination written on his face, but there was something else there too… Love. Pure love. It took his breath away, literally. “I want you, Cas. So much it hurts. I meant every word. I'm done running. I want you for as long as you'll have me.” 

He couldn't breath as he took those words in. The more he stared into those eyes, the more he realised Dean really did mean every single word. Pure happiness flooded through his system. He didn't care that Sam was stood there, watching their exchange. He didn't care that they had so much to talk about. 

All he cared about was doing what he's wanted to do since leaving two weeks ago. He leant forward and pressed his lips to Dean's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment...


	17. Chapter 17

Dean couldn't quite believe this was happening. After two weeks of nothing, of no affection, no physical contact, he was finally kissing Cas. And God, didn't it feel amazing? His lips were wet from where he'd been crying, but he didn't care. His tongue slid into his mouth and stroked across Cas's own tongue, gently and lazily. This was a kiss that didn't need to be rushed, this wasn't hunger or passion. This was just pure love and longing. 

Cas pulled away too soon, leaving him whimpering for more. When he opened his eyes, he saw the same love he'd felt in that kiss written upon the angels face. He allowed a slow lazy smile to crawl across his face and he stroked the back of his hand down his face, feeling the rough stubble. It itched like mad, but it didn't matter, it felt awesome beneath his skin. Cas smiled in return and it made Dean's heart jump with happiness. 

A cough sounded from the other side of the room, making Dean's heart plummet into his stomach. Cas's eyes widened with shock and they both glanced at Sam, who was stood uncomfortably, shuffling from foot to foot, trying to look anywhere but at them. Reluctantly, Dean pulled away from Cas, missing the contact instantly. 

“Uh, I'm sorry, Cas. I had no idea.” Sam sounded apologetic and the urge to shake him rushed through Dean. He's right, he had no idea and yet again he thought he knew best. When is he ever going to learn?

“It's okay, Sam.” Castiel sounded all forgiving. This just infuriated him even more. Why the hell was he always so understanding and so forgiving? If he wasn't then maybe he would have actually put his foot down long before now, stopping Dean from running. Even as he thought it, he hated himself. This wasn't Cas's fault, not even by a long shot. This was all on him. There was no one to blame but him. 

Dean stood and started to pace. He could feel the two sets of eyes on him, burning through him, watching him warily. The anger was surging its way through his veins, setting him on fire and he needed to release this pent up energy. 

“Dean?” Cas sounded concerned and yet again a new wave of rage washed through him, causing the flames within to spread. 

He stopped pacing and faced both his brother and… his angel. “This is not okay. None of this okay. Sam needs to learn to stop interfering in what doesn't concern him. And you… you need to stop being so understanding and forgiving all the time.” 

Cas stood and eyed him with confusion. “Are you saying I shouldn't forgive Sam? Because he didn't know.”

“No. I'm not saying that. I'm saying, time and time again you forgive us… me. You forgive me when you really shouldn't.”

Dean closed his eyes, willing this burning fire to just go away. When he opened them again and caught Cas's eyes, he sucked in a sharp breath at the sorrow that now filled them. He forced himself to look away as he felt the anger start to subside. His thoughts ran back to the kiss they'd just shared. He thought about the love and longing they'd both poured into it. And what was he doing now? Causing another problem, that's what. He was allowing his self-destructive side to come to the surface. He was starting to sabotage his one chance to make this right. Again, he closed his eyes and took in a couple of steadying breaths. He wasn't going to do this again. He wasn't going to ruin it this time. He couldn't. 

“Dean?” That gruff voice sent a very awakening shock through his lower abdomen. His eyes sprang open and they caught Cas's again. He was looking concerned and panicked. The sight of it sent Dean spiralling into self-hatred. This is what he'd done to him. He'd made him fearful that at any given moment he was going to run… again. 

He swallowed past the lump in his throat, gulping audibly. He chose to ignore Cas for the moment. His brother was still in the room, he needed to be dealt with first. He turned to face him, who was still stood in the doorway, looking just as concerned as Cas. He wanted his brother to disappear, to leave them alone. He can't do this, not in front of him. It was one thing being vulnerable and open towards Cas, but it was something completely different when there was an audience. 

Sam could read Dean better than any one else and he instantly understood, the concern washing away as he nodded once. Without saying anything else, he finally left, closing the door softly behind him. For a few moments Dean stood motionless, staring at the solid wood, unsure of what should happen next. 

He felt a hand grip his shoulder, the heat surged through his t-shirt and onto his sensitive skin. He gasped at the contact and slowly turned to face his angel, who had his head tilted, confusion now evident in those eyes. 

It was now or never. He needed to be so completely honest with him, more so than he'd ever been with anyone ever. He could feel his heart beating nervously in his chest, could feel his breaths coming in short and fast, could feel the sweat gathering on his forehead. So many things could go wrong, so many doubts played around in his mind. He was about to open himself up to be hurt and it just didn't sit right with him. This wasn't who he was. He didn't tell the truth, didn't put his emotions on display. He hid behind huge, thick, solid walls. It was safer there. Less risk. He'd never even opened up to Sam, not completely. Sure he'd be honest every once in a while, just enough to satisfy his brother, but that was it. So this was huge. If he could barely open up to his brother, how the hell was he suppose to be like that with Cas?

This had to happen though. For Cas. For himself. For them. He just had to ask himself one question. What was worse? Being that broken man that he'd been for the past two weeks? Or putting himself out there? 

He ran a hand down his face, trying to scrub away the sudden tiredness that had overtaken him. He couldn't remember when he'd last slept and with all this emotional turmoil rolling around his head, he felt like he was ready to collapse. 

“Okay, here it goes.” Cas narrowed in his eyes as if he was trying to work out a very difficult puzzle. “I really did mean what I said, Cas. I'm done running.” Cas looked at him sceptically, unsure of where Dean was going with this. “That's why I need to be honest with you.”

He watched as if everything that happened next was in slow motion. Cas took a step backwards, his arm dropping from Dean's shoulder to his side. Pain was scrunched up in his features and Dean knew he was trying to hold back the full force of his hurt. Dean's heart broke at the sight. He wanted to back peddle what he'd just said, perhaps not say anything at all, but he couldn't, he had to remind himself why he was doing this. 

Dean took in a shaky breath and rushed his words out before he lost the nerve to say them at all. “I'm scared. Terrified, actually. I love you so damn much and it scares me.”

Cas's eyes softened at that statement. “Why?” His voice was just as soft and Dean watched his pain turn to uncertainty, unsure still of where Dean was going with this. 

“Because…. Because it means that you're the only person in the entire universe that has the capability to completely and utterly destroy me, Cas.”

He watched Cas with wariness. Cas's eyes grew wide and his mouth hung slack. If it had been any other situation, Dean would have laughed at the look. But as it was, this was serious and he'd just bared his deepest, darkest fear. He'd never put himself out there like that before and he was so unsure of how Cas would respond. He shuffled nervously from foot to foot, darting his eyes down to the floor, panic slowly made its way through his system. Had he just made the biggest mistake of his life? Should he have kept his mouth shut? 

He was just about to to open his mouth, tell the angel that it didn't matter, forget he'd said anything. Before he could, a firm hand gripped his chin and tilted his head upwards, forcing him to meet his eyes. Cas was looking at him with so much adoration that it took Dean's breath away, his mouth was tilted in a small, shy smile. Dean held his breath, waiting for what Cas was about say. It couldn't be that bad, surely, not if he he was looking at him like that. While Dean was trying to convince himself of that, Cas's soft but rough voice pierced through his thoughts. 

“The same goes to you, Dean.” 

Shock coursed through his veins and his mouth fell open as the words swirled through his mind. Was he serious? Of course he was. Cas wouldn't joke about something like this, Dean didn't even think he could joke about anything like this. 

“Really? Aren't you, like, scared of it?” He kept his voice soft and wary, unsure if he actually wanted the answer. 

“Terrified. You've almost done it. You've almost destroyed me, Dean. If I stick around and then you run again… I don't think… I don't know if...”

Cas dropped his eyes to the floor, the smile fell and his brows furrowed together. Dean's heart constricted painfully. He knew what he was trying to say, because he felt the same way. They would have to be in this together, because if Dean walked away now he didn't think he could survive it. “I'm done running.”

He listened to Cas inhale a shaky breath, his eyes slowly latched onto his. Dean wanted to scream at the look in his eyes, the sadness and the pain was so clear, it had no place being there, not when Dean was offering to be in this with him, not when he was putting himself out there for all to see. Doubt clawed its way forward. Had he finally done irreversible damage? Is this finally the moment that he would tell him to stick it, that he's had enough? Dean gulped past the lump in his throat, praying silently that this was not going to be the end, that he could actually fix this. 

“Dean,” Cas sighed, and Dean hated the way he said his name more than he'd ever hated anything. He took a step back from him, giving himself a moment to breath, to gather all his strength for the final blow. Cas looked upon him with caution, nibbling his bottom lip, probably trying to figure out how to phrase what he was going to say next. “You… You have to be one hundred per cent sure that this is really what you want. You have to be one hundred per cent sure that you will not run again because I can't keep doing this. It confuses me, frightens me and pains me all at the same time. So you really need to be positive that you can do this.”

The doubt and pain evaporated from his heart, only for it to swell with joy and happiness. But he was also very mindful of what Cas was doing. Yet again he was being selfless, he was putting Dean first, allowing him to have an out, allowing him to go back on what he'd said. He was allowing Dean to walk away if that was what he truly wanted. 

Dean allowed a small smile to play at his lips. He took a step towards Cas, who was still looking at him warily. He placed both his hands on Cas's face, cupping it in his palms, feeling the scratchy stubble against his skin. He looked hard into those amazing blue eyes, determination set within. He had to be honest about his feelings. For once in his miserable life he had to be honest with the one person that mattered to him most. 

“I can't live without you, Cas. There's no two ways about it. When I said I was done running, I meant it. I love you. I love you so much that it physically hurts. I need you and I need to try and make this work. Not just for me or just for you, but for us. I need there to be an us.”

He waited for Cas's response. Cas had been quiet for too long and he wanted to shake the man, yell at him to say something, but somehow he managed to keep himself in check and just waited. Finally, Cas moved his hands up and gripped his hands with them, slowly removing them from his face. For a beat, Dean thought he was rejecting him, about to throw his hands away. But he kept a firm grip on them, squeezing slightly, as if he was terrified of losing this moment. And, God, did he look terrified. 

“I need there to be an us, too.” It was barely a whisper, but Dean had heard it and his heart somersaulted in his chest. 

Dean smiled, a teeth baring smile, full of so much joy that he was just about ready to bounce around the room, screaming just how happy he was. Instead he leant forward and gently placed his lips upon Cas's soft ones. For a moment, he thought fireworks had gone off between them as that delicious electricity shot through him, right down to his groin. He fluttered his eyes closed, basking in the feel of the angel against him. When he heard Cas hum from deep within his throat, he couldn't hold back any more. He pressed his mouth harder against Cas's, trying to deepen the kiss. But Cas pulled away, a small smile playing at his lips. Dean frowned with confusion, not understanding why he would pull away just as things were about to get interesting. 

“I can't, Dean. Not yet. I'm...” Cas dropped his eyes to his chest, his smile dropping again and a frown marring his forehead. Dean understood. He needed to be sure Dean wasn't going to run again before they go there again. 

“I'm exhausted. I should sleep. Will you, uh, you know? Come lie with me?”

Cas shot his eyes to Dean's again, plain shock expressed in them. Slowly he nodded. With shaky hands, Dean slowly started to remove Cas's trench coat, keeping his eyes fixed on his face, waiting for signs of reluctance. Cas soon got with the programme, kicking his shoes off. Once his tie was removed, Dean gripped his hand and tugged him gently towards the bed. 

Once they were both under the covers, both lying on their sides, facing each other, Dean felt the exhaustion slowly taking over. He didn't want to sleep, he didn't want to let his guard down. Fear gripped his heart. What if he slept and Cas was gone when he woke up? Cas didn't need to sleep, so what if he led there the entire time thinking? What if he came to the conclusion that this was too much? What if he changed his mind? 

A warm hand on his cheek brought him out of his thoughts, brought his eyes back into focus. His breathing picked up as the fear started to consume him. “Sleep, Dean. I'll be here when you wake up.” Cas's voice was soft and gentle, just a brush of air and it instantly settled the fears, putting him at ease. 

He draped an arm across Cas's body, pulling him in closer, needing to be close to him, needing to feel this connection. Cas leaned in, placing a closed lip kiss onto his mouth and Dean hummed with contentment. “Sleep.”

Dean didn't need to be told twice. The darkness closed in and then he was gone, drifting to the land of sleep as he felt Cas's breath ghost across his face.

\- SUPERNATURAL -

How long had it been? Four, five hours? Dean looked so peaceful, more peaceful than he'd ever seen him in sleep before. His heart swelled at the sight, knowing that Cas had something to do with his contentment.

His thoughts swirled around his head as his eyes roamed across his still face. Doubts plagued him. What if Dean runs again? How would he cope? He didn't think he could survive it. But Dean had said he was done running, had said he was positive with his decision. The only way he would know if Dean was uttering the truth would be for him to take a leap of faith. For an angel that should be relatively easy, it was anything but. He wanted to, he really did. He really wanted to give in and allow himself this little slice of happiness. His fears were holding him back. He couldn't go back to being broken hearted, he couldn't go back to feeling that pain. 

He'd dealt with all kinds of pain over the years, torture being at the top of the list. But the pain he'd felt at the rejection from Dean was something he just couldn't comprehend. He knew he loved Dean, that wasn't what was in question. Why did it hurt so much? He tried to imagine what Dean would say if he'd asked him and he knew exactly why it hurt. Love and pain bore a very thin line. They kind of go hand in hand. 

For the past two weeks he'd been trying to figure out what this meant, what it all meant. Dean was the only person in the entire universe who could destroy him. Angels, demons and monsters could do that too, but it would be a different kind of destroy, the worst they could do would be kill him. The way he'd been feeling after Dean pushed him away, to be killed would be nothing compared to that pain. In a way he kind of wished something would kill him, just so he could get a relief. 

Dean had bared his heart out now, admitting that Cas could destroy him. Dean had come to the same conclusion Cas had. That should be enough to hope. But he couldn't hope, he couldn't put himself in that position again. Dean had been right in saying he was running, too. He hadn't even realised he was doing it. How can he ask Dean not to do that if he was doing it as well? 

A huge part of him wanted to uncurl himself from the man lying next to him, he wanted to exit the bunker and just breath in fresh air, wanting the distance to allow himself time to think. A smaller, more insistent part of him told him that it was a bad idea, that Dean would panic when he awoke, would fear the worst, his heart breaking. He couldn't do that to him, he couldn't allow him to feel the same pain he'd been feeling over and over again. 

“You're still here.” Cas jumped at the sound of his deep voice as it penetrated through his thoughts. 

Forcing a smile, he knew what he had to do, what he had to say. “Of course.” It should have been that obvious. He'd said he would be there when he awoke, but he knew, deep down, that wasn't actually the case. There was a very high possibility of him flying off and not looking back. The deepened frown upon Dean's face showed just how much that was a possibility. As always, he saw right through his smile, right through his positive, confident answer. He tried to think of a way to elaborate, tried to think of a way to explain what he'd been thinking all night, but nothing came to mind, nothing that wouldn't upset the man before him. 

Dean sighed, closing his eyes and Cas found himself wondering what he was thinking. Would he be careless enough to ask the dreaded questions. He hoped not. He hoped that he would just let it be. Instead of questions, Cas was shocked by what the hunter said next. Still with his eyes closed, as though he was afraid to look Cas in the eye as he whispered his, “I'm sorry.” 

“Dean.” He didn't know what he was going to say, he didn't know how he wanted that one word word to sound. But it sounded like a warning, like he didn't want Dean to go there. Of course he didn't want that. He wanted to just lie there, enjoying these precious moments he got to spend with the only person he ever loved. He didn't know how long it would be till he would be forced to leave again, and he just wanted to savour every moment, every look, every touch. 

Dean's eyes sprang open, determination set. Cas gulped, hoping that Dean would get the message. But of course, he didn't. Once he got something in his head, he refused to let it go. That was just one of the many qualities that he loved about the man. Reaching up, Dean cupped his face. His hand was warm and Cas found himself leaning ever so gently into the touch, needing the comfort of it. But somehow he seemed to crave so much more. This closeness wasn't enough, it would never be enough. 

“I'm so sorry, Cas, for doing this to us. But I promise you, right here, right now, I will prove to you just how much I want this, want you. I don't care how long it will take. I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you.”

Cas had never felt such strong emotions bubble inside him, pulling at his heart, filling him with such warmth. As he stared into those determined green eyes, he knew just how serious Dean was. He really meant everything he'd said. “I think we were both to blame.”

He watched with fascination as anger overtook the determination. Why would that make him angry? Confusion swelled within and he was about to open his mouth to ask what the matter was when Dean jumped out of his bed and started to pace the length of it. Cas watched him with wary eyes as he leant up onto one elbow, unsure if he should say anything to comfort the man. But what could he say? He didn't even know what he'd done. Another thought popped into his head. What if he was about to run again? He couldn't feel that rejection again. Quickly, before Dean could say anything, he put his walls back up, forcing his face to go slack with impassiveness. His main priority was to protect his heart. 

Dean stopped pacing and swung around, anger still evident in his eyes. “Why do you always do that? None of this is your fault. None of it. Yet for some strange fucking reason, you feel the need to share the blame. The only person to blame is me and me only. So don't you fucking start blaming yourself, do you hear me? If I hear you talk like that again I'll string you up by your fucking wings. Understand?”

Cas melted at his words, he couldn't help it. Dean wasn't pushing him away. Slowly and cautiously, Cas climbed off the bed, not taking his eyes off Dean as he went, partly afraid he'd have another explosion, partly afraid of what he was going to do next. Once he was toe to toe with the man, he carefully slid his arm around Dean's neck and pulled him in. Dean didn't fight him, didn't try to push him away. Instead he went easily, leaning his forehead on his shoulder, wrapping both arms around his waist. 

“It doesn't matter who's to blame, Dean. What matters is we're both here and we're both willing to work on this. At least… I hope we both are.”

Dean pulled back just enough to catch his eyes and Cas could feel his heart pick up speed, could feel the nervousness seep into his veins, making him shake slightly. “I love you, you know that, right?” 

Cas felt his heart stop altogether. It's not like Dean hadn't said it before because he had. It was the fact that Dean was making sure he knew, that he understood just how much damage he'd done. It was enough to have Cas doubting his feelings, or that's what Dean thought. “I've never doubted that. Not once. I know you love me. That's never been in question.” Dean let out breath of relief and smiled, a very elated smile. “I love you, as well.”

If it was possible, Dean's smile grew wider. “Good. Now, I'm not ready to join the waking world yet. So how about we climb back into bed.”

Dean didn't wait for a response, instead he pulled Cas back to the bed and they both climbed under the covers. Wrapping his arms around him, Dean pulled him to his chest as they both led on their sides. Cas snuggled closer and breathed in Dean's unique scent. 

Not once in his entire existence had he ever felt like this. This was a completely new feeling to him, one he was very easy to label with a majority of different names. 

Happy. Joy. Ecstatic. Peaceful. Content. That was just to name a few. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Dean awoke a couple of hours later, his heart immediately plummeted to his stomach as he felt the empty space next to him. It was still warm to touch which meant it hadn't been long since Cas had left. He kept his eyes shut as he tried to will the hurt away. He knew it had been too good to be true. He knew Cas would change his mind eventually. He'd hurt him too many times, they weren't simply going to get past this as quickly as he'd hoped. A huge part of him doubted they'd ever get past it. There would always be that underlying fear swimming between them. Cas doesn't trust him not to run again and Dean doesn't trust that Cas wouldn't come to his senses.

The bed dipped next to him and he sprang his eyes open. His heart stopped beating and his breath hitched in his throat as he caught the sight of the man sitting next to him. He hadn't left. Dean didn't know whether to be happy or terrified of that. Cas offered him a small, sad smile and Dean couldn't help but think Cas was going to give him the final blow, the one that would finally kill him. He waited, not daring to breath, not daring to move an inch, not wanting to scare him away. 

“I'm not leaving, Dean.” Dean could see the determination in his crystal blue eyes and he so wanted to believe that. But eventually it would happen. He would come to realise that he'd be better off without him and when that day came, Dean didn't think he would stop him. 

He smiled across at him, the smile that was just as sad as Cas's. This wasn't going to be an easy fix. They weren't just going to get past this. They didn't trust each other any more. Dean may be new to relationships, but he knew that one of the things that made them work was trust. If they didn't have trust, then they had nothing. 

“Do you trust me, Cas?” He needed to know. He trusted Cas, even if he did leave him. He knew he would do it for good reason and Dean could understand that. He knew that he could get past his trust issues, but could Cas get past his? 

Cas's smile faltered at the question and his eyes grew sad. “With my life.” Yes, Dean knew that. They could fight back to back and he knew Cas trusted him to have his back, trusted him to protect him, that he would do anything to save him. 

“What about with your heart?” He couldn't help the nervousness in his voice. He needed to know how far Cas's mistrust went, how deep it ran. Cas opened his mouth to answer but Dean held his hand up to stop him. He could see it in his eyes what he was going to say, it would be a lie, and he couldn't have that. He sat up so he was face to face with angel. “I need you to be honest.”

He watched Cas gulp. “I want to.”

Dean tried to ignore the ache in his chest, tried to put it to the back of his mind. He needed to put Cas first, needed to understand just how much damage he'd done. He knew it was a lot, he could see it in the way the pain shone from his eyes, the way it was set in his drawn down mouth. He was still hurting. “Do you think you'll ever be able to?” 

Cas shifted uncomfortably on the bed, his eyes darting around the room and Dean could tell he was fighting the urge to lie. “I… I don't know.”

The dull ache in his chest punched painfully through his heart. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to tear his way out of the room and drink himself into oblivion. How he managed to refrain himself, he would never know. His vision started to blur with tears and he knew what he needed to say. He dropped his eyes to the bed, trying to figure out how he was going to phrase it, but there was no easy way to say it, so he'd just have to grab the bull by the horns and plough forward. He caught Cas's eyes again, they were concerned and unsure of where Dean was going with this. 

Dean took in a deep breath. “I want you. I need you. I love you. But-”

Cas stood abruptly, backing away, his eyes growing hard and Dean knew what he was doing. He was putting a wall around himself because he could sense what he was going to say. The sight of it broke his heart. He hated himself more than anything, right there and then. 

He moved to the edge of the bed, waiting to see if Cas was going to say something. When it became obvious he wasn't, Dean carried on. “But, this isn't going to work.”

“Why?” He flinched at the hardness in the angel's voice. Dean wanted nothing more in that moment to tear his own heart out.

He stood but didn't make his way towards Cas, knowing it would be pointless to even try. “You don't trust me and everyone knows that the key to a successful relationship is trust. If we don't have that we have no chance of surviving.”

Cas tilted his head to the side and narrowed in his eyes. “Did you really think I would trust you with my heart after everything?” Dean opened his mouth to answer but didn't get a chance as Cas carried on, his voice rising with each word. “I want to trust you with it. How am I suppose to start healing that trust when you say stuff like this? When you keep pushing me away? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this feeling. I can't take this any more. Fine. You think it won't work, that's fine. I'll leave. I've been expecting it anyway, so don't worry about hurting me. It doesn't.”

Cas turned to leave but Dean reached out and gripped his trench coat sleeve in his fist with a blind panic. Cas froze but didn't turn. “Don't leave, please.”

A sigh escaped those beautiful parched lips and Cas turned slowly. “Why should I stay? This is all its going to be. You ending it, then begging me to stay, then pushing me away again. I'm not willing to live like that. Not any more. I had thought we'd gotten past this, but clearly only I have.”

Dean bowed his head with shame. Cas was right. He was pushing him away again out of fear. No more. He wasn't going to do this again, not to Cas, not to him, not to them. With one fluid motion he pushed Cas up against the door, determination set in his movement. Cas let out surprised gasp as his body made contact with the wood. Dean pressed in close, his breath ghosting over his skin. Cas's blue eyes were wide and curious. 

Dean didn't know what to say, didn't know how to express what he was thinking, so he did the only thing he could think of. He closed the gap between them, pressing his mouth to Cas's dry lips. Dean moaned into it, trying to show just how much he needed him, how much he loved him, how much he was sorry… again. He pressed his tongue against the slit of his lips, trying to gain access. That's when he realised, Cas wasn't moving, he wasn't kissing back. Pain shot through his chest once more. Was he being rejected? 

He pulled back, closing his eyes. He couldn't see rejection in those warm eyes, he couldn't see it, it would break him, seeing it for himself. 

Cas's voice startled him enough to open them. He didn't see rejection like he thought he would. There was no relief at that though, because instead he saw just more sadness and more pain and more heart break. “You can't kiss me and expect everything to be fine. Tell me what's going on, Dean.”

It really scared him the way Cas was so in tune with him sometimes. He took in a deep breath. He hated voicing his thoughts, hated voicing his feelings, but Cas was pleading with his puppy dog eyes. If he was to gain Cas's trust again, he had to start with being honest and open with him. 

“I… I thought you had come to your senses and...”

Realisation replaced the sadness. “You had thought I'd left.” Dean nodded. “You were pushing me away before I could end it,” Another nod. “Dean, you are so infuriating.”

Dean couldn't help but laugh at the exasperated tone in his voice. It died quickly though as he caught sight of Cas's unamused face. He coughed slightly, trying to cover it. “I'm sorry.”

Cas sighed and pulled him back towards him, making their bodies flush once more. Dean's heart picked up speed and he couldn't help the crooked smile grace his lips. “Promise me something.”

“Anything, Cas,” he whispered. 

“When you next feel the need to run, to push me away because you're scared, you'll tell me. You need to try and get past all this. So promise me. If you don't want to tell me, then tell Sam at least.”

Dean felt his heart explode with joy. He wasn't going to leave, he was still willing to work things out. “I promise.” He would keep it as well. Cas was right, he needed to move past this fear. 

Cas smiled, pressing his lips to Dean's. Dean pressed back gently, humming with contentment. All too soon, though, Cas pulled back, his smile still in place. “I think you should eat something.”

Dean smiled a teeth showing smile, his happiness plastered for everyone to see. “Breakfast sounds like a good plan.”

This was going to be hard work. Dean had the most work to do he figured, but he didn't care, as long as he had Cas in his life. Cas dragged him out of his room and down the corridor. They passed Sam who smiled at their smiles. Things could only get better from here, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long gap, but it is finally here. Just one more chapter to go after this one and then it will be time to say goodbye. I promise I'm not welling up. I'm really not, there's just something in my eye....
> 
> Enjoy...

A case. That was what they needed. A much needed distraction. He searched through all the news websites, trying to find something, anything. He'd spent most of the day trying to avoid Cas. He hated doing that, hated how he just couldn't be around him right now. He was so happy that he was here, more than words could say, but at the same time he hated how he had to walk on egg shells around him, worried that he might say something or do something that would send the other man away. 

Every time he looked at the angel, every time his eyes caught those blue ones, he wanted nothing more than to wrap him up in his arms and kiss him, show him just how much he loved him. But what if it was the wrong move? What if that wasn't what Cas wanted? 

He sighed heavily, closing his eyes. This wasn't how it should be. This wasn't how their relationship should be. They should be able to kiss each, touch either other, smile at each other without worrying about the other ones response. He knew he had no one to blame but himself, didn't make the situation any easier though.

The thought of grabbing his bottle of whisky from his bedroom filled his mind. He couldn't go there. He couldn't drown his sorrows with booze, not this time. He had to show Cas he was serious, he had to show that he really wanted this, really wanted him, had to show him that he was really going to try. 

He opened his eyes and glanced around the library. Old books filled the shelves, the polished tables shone under the lamps and the quiet was soothing. His brother was currently hiding in his room. He'd exploded three hours ago, having had enough of the tension between Dean and Cas. He could understand it, he was sick of it himself. He could tell Sam was surprised by his reaction to the outburst, probably expecting denial or an argument. But Dean stayed mute as he watched his brother storm from the room. Once his bedroom door slammed shut, he'd finally risked peaking a glance at the angel who had been stood to his left. Cas just gave a heart-wrenching sad look, shook his head in defeat and left the room without a word. 

Dean had thought about going after him., had thought about trying to talk to him, but he knew it would be no good. Cas was still insecure, was still worried, was still keeping his distance. Who could blame him, though? Instead he'd fired up his laptop, his heart sinking in his chest as he tried to find a case, knowing that it would probably do them all some good to get out and about for a few days. 

But there was nothing. Nothing that was worth a drive. Maybe he was doing it wrong. Finding a case was usually his brother's job, he'd always gotten the better results. He sighed again, thinking about that drink he so desperately wanted. Yet again, he closed his eyes, trying to will the urge away. 

Footsteps sounded from across the room and he snapped his eyes open. The sight of Cas standing in the door way took his breath away. He was still dressed in his usually sexy get-up and his hair was still gorgeously messy. But when his eyes latched onto Cas's, he stopped breathing altogether. The sadness was still evident there, but they held something else. He looked uncomfortable, maybe. Dean knew something was about to happen, he could sense that Cas was dying to say something. From the way he was looking at him, he didn't think it was going to be anything good. 

He closed his eyes tightly, willing himself to take a breath. After what seemed like too long, his lungs finally allowed oxygen back in and he was able to breath once more. He opened his eyes again and was shocked that Cas had moved across the room without being heard. He was now standing at the other end of the table, opposite him, that stupid sad look written upon his face still. 

“Dean, we need to talk.” His voice was low and cautious and Dean swallowed down the lump that was slowly forming in his throat. He tried to ignore the loud thudding of his heart and his nerves were automatically set on fire. Dean had been right. Whatever Cas wanted to say wasn't good. 

He pushed his chair back, standing. Slowly and cautiously, he manoeuvred his way around the table till he was standing next to Cas. He kept his distance, needing to give the angel a chance to move closer or back away. Cas didn't move. “Is this a conversation I'm going to need a drink for?”

Cas furrowed his brows and looked at the floor. Trying to make a joke out of whatever was bothering him probably wasn't the smartest move, but he just needed to diffuse some of the tension, needed some kind of reassurance. “This isn't working, Dean.”

He could feel his heart slowly disintegrate in his chest, he could feel the panic slowly start to bubble up, threatening to push to the surface. He tried to take a few steadying breaths, the urge to run was strong. But he couldn't. He couldn't run, no matter how much his instincts were telling him to do just that. He needed to prove to Cas that he was done with this bullshit. He tried to think of something to say, something that didn't end with him pushing the angel away. 

Cas glanced at him, his eyes nervous. Dean decided there and then that the best thing for both of them was to play dumb, to pretend he didn't have clue as to what Cas was talking about. There was no point in panicking, not until Cas gave him a bloody good reason to. “What isn't?” He kept his voice soft, hoping that he came across as curious and not scared shit less. 

“What we're doing. It isn't working.” 

Dean tried so hard to ignore the pain, but it was hard. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, could feel the sting of them. He didn't want to cry, not in front of Cas. “Cas...” He froze when the angel held up his hand. What did that mean? That he didn't want to hear anything he had to say? Or did it mean he wasn't finished talking? He didn't know which would be the better option. 

“Dean?” 

Both men swivelled to stare at the frozen and shocked man standing in the doorway. Dean could punch his brother sometimes, he always had the most awful timing. “What?” Dean barked at him, anger surging through his veins now. He needed to know what Cas was going to say, he needed to understand what wasn't working. 

Sam looked sheepish and a good thing too. “Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.” Before Dean could demand any answers for the interruption, his brother had disappeared down the corridor and a few moments later they heard the tell tale sound of the door slamming shut. Thankfully his brother knew to stay hidden away for long while. There would be no more interruptions tonight. 

Slowly he turned his head back round to face Cas. The other man was staring at him so intensely Dean got lost in the depths of his eyes. He needed contact, needed to touch, to taste. Instead he folded his arms across his chest, a defensive move, a move that said he was trying to protect himself, but it was also so he couldn't be tempted to reach out and hold the angel tightly. He didn't know what was going through his mind, he didn't know if Cas had changed his mind about them. If that was the case, he couldn't step over that line. He had to be careful with him. 

Dean opened his mouth, about to ask him what wasn't working, again. But before he could, he saw a blur of movement, all tan coat and dark hair, then soft lips pressed against his. He froze, his heart completely stopping in his chest, his chest grew tight and he'd forgotten how to breath. His brain needed to be jump started, he needed to process what was happening. 

Cas was kissing him. That's what was happening. Shit. Cas was kissing him and he was stood frozen to the spot, not moving, not responding. What the hell was he doing? He'd been needing this for too long and now that it was happening, he wasn't kissing him back. What the hell? 

He could feel Cas start to pull away. He couldn't allow that. Cas needed to know that he wanted this, needed it. Finally, he could feel his heart start beating again, could feel his brain kick back into gear. He grabbed Cas at the back of his head, pushing his face against his as he pressed his lips against those soft puckered ones. Cas hummed and Dean could feel the need for more to wash over him. God he wanted him, so bad. But first he needed answers. Was this goodbye? Cas had said it wasn't working, whatever 'it' was. 

Slowly he pulled back, not daring to release him just yet. Instead he closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against Cas's, inhaling his intoxicating scent. The smell wasn't anything in particular, just his own unique scent, but it was enough to make him dizzy with need. 

“What isn't working?” his voice was barely a whisper, but he knew Cas had heard him by the sudden tension he could feel radiate off him. Dean opened his eyes and saw just how terrified the other man was. He pulled back, finally releasing him. He needed space to think clearly and he couldn't do that being in such close proximity to him. “Cas? What isn't working?” Suddenly, he didn't want to know the answer because somehow he got the impression he wasn't going to like it. 

Cas sighed. “I've been back for two weeks now. And I hate it.”

Dean couldn't help his eyes going wide with shock. He hated it here. He didn't want to be here. Dean slowly started to back away, his eyes filling with tears that threatened to spill. That drink he was thinking about having earlier didn't sound half bad now. He just wanted to forget. He wanted to run. But he promised. He'd made a promise and he needed to prove to Cas that he was willing to try, even if he hated being with him. 

Cas watched him with guarded eyes as Dean kept taking steps backwards. He glanced over his shoulder at the bunker's exit. He could do it. He could run and not look back. When he glanced back at Cas, he knew he couldn't. 

“I need to run,” he whispered, hoping beyond hope that Cas would get the message he was trying to convey. 

The angel reached out and grasped his hand, his eyes instantly softening. But there was something else there, something Dean couldn't describe. He stopped his movements as he felt the firm grip. Once more he was starting to feel grounded again, he could feel his flee instinct subsiding, if only a little. The urge was still there. 

“I love you, Dean. You know that, right?” He nodded slowly, not trusting his voice. “But I can't stand this any more. We barely talk to each other, we barely touch each other, we're constantly cautious around each other, afraid we're going to set the other one off. This isn't working.”

Dean had to agree with him, he really did, but he was willing to have this, it was better than nothing. “So...” He licked his dry lips as terror filled him to the brim. He was terrified of the answer, terrified of his heart breaking all over again, terrified of being that broken shell of a man again. “So, you're leaving?”

Cas's eyes widened and then softened. “Of course not.” He tugged Dean gently towards him, pulling him close, pushing his face into his neck. “I don't want to leave. I just want things to change. I want to be comfortable with you. I want to touch you when I want, kiss you when I want, hold you when I want. I want to be able to laugh with you, talk to you, and even argue with you. What we have going on at the moment isn't making either one of us happy.”

Dean felt his heart thumping in his chest as he pulled back to look at the man that awed him to his very core. “I want all of that, too.”

Cas beamed at him and Dean felt a small bubble of warmth erupt in his stomach at the sight, knowing that he'd put that smile on his face. “Okay, so no more awkwardness? You're going to trust me not to change my mind about this?” 

“Yes. And you're going to trust I won't run again?” 

Cas's smile widened, if that was even possible. “I think you just proved to me you weren't going to run again. You could feel the need and instead of following it blindly, you told me, allowed me to help you stay. I'm so proud of you, Dean.”

Dean offered him a small, shy smile, feeling the warm bubble grow. “I'm going to kiss you again.” And he did. It was just a quick, reassuring one that had left them both wanting more, but it didn't stop the smiles from growing, and it didn't stop them showing their love for one another. 

Hopefully this was the end of all that shit, hopefully this was the beginning of something fantastic. Only time would tell. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

It had been two days since their little chat in the library. There was no more avoidance. They chatted, they laughed, they kissed, they were happy. Or at least Dean was, and from the look of it, so was Cas, he hoped anyway. 

He glanced over at the man he loved. He was sitting across the table from him in the map room, his brows furrowed in concentration, his eyes darting from side to side as he read each page of the book he was holding, every now and then he delicately turned a page, the soft rustling of paper the only sound in the room. 

As if he could sense Dean watching, he glanced up from his reading, his eyebrows shooting up into his hair line as a small, playful smile teased his lips. Dean couldn't help but smile back. He was happy, happier than he had been in a long time. The urge to tell him just as much pushed forwards and just as he was about to open his mouth, his brother came barrelling into the room. 

Dean cursed under his breath. What was it with Sam and his timing? Seriously? He glared at him, hoping he would get the message that he was interrupting something, again. But his brother didn't even take any notice, instead he bounded down the few steps that led from the library, waving a newspaper in his hand. 

“Think I got us a case.”

Dean rolled his eyes. Of course he did. He'd spent hours before trying to find something, anything, and had come up empty. His brother had spent half an hour on his search and he instantly got one. How was that fair? He ignored his slowly building jealousy of the man's talents and stayed quiet, waiting for the information. 

“What is it?” Cas asked, his voice full of curiosity. 

Sam's eyes filled with excitement. Perhaps he needed to get away for a few days, which was the same need he'd had a couple of days ago. Now, though, he was quit content to sit there in the calming silence with Cas by his side, smiling and kissing and talking. 

“A demon attack. Its just a few hours away.” He turned to Dean, hope in his eyes. “What do ya say? Wanna get out of here for a couple of days”

How could he turn down that puppy dog look? He softened his eyes. “Sure. You in, Cas?” Dean didn't miss the flash of disappointment in his brother's eyes. Was he expecting it to just be the two of them? As much as that would have been good, like the old days kind of good, he wasn't ready to leave Cas behind yet. He needed to make sure they were still okay, he needed to make sure that Cas wasn't going to leave him, that he was just as happy as he was. He chose to ignore the look in his brother's eyes and turned to face Cas, waiting for his answer. 

“As long as Sam is okay with that.”

A warmth spread through him at his answer. He was allowing Sam the opportunity to say that he wanted it to be just the two of them. Cas was so selfless, so thoughtful, that he was willing to put Sam's needs above his own. 

“Of course you can come, Cas.”

Dean clapped loudly, excitement filling his veins. “Lets do this.” He jumped from his seat to grab his duffel bag from his room. He practically rushed from the room, excited to be back on the hunt again, but even more excited that the man he loved was tagging along. 

He grabbed his bag from the floor by his desk and turned, almost colliding with Cas. He let out a startled gasp at the close proximity. He wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss the man senseless but he took note of the look in the other man's eyes and he held back. Cas looked sad and he hated that look upon his face, it tugged painfully at his heart. “You okay?”

“I do not think Sam wishes me to join you on your hunt.” His voice was full of sorrow and disappointment. In a way it made Dean deliriously happy, it meant that he wanted to go with them, wanted to be with Dean. He couldn't help but smile. Cas frowned with confusion, tilting his head slightly. “Perhaps I should stay.” Dean carried on smiling, despite how those words sent a small wave of sadness through him. “What are you smiling at, Dean?” He could hear the slight edge to his voice and it just made him smile even wider. 

Dropping the bag on the ground, he wound his arms around Cas's waist, and pulled him close. Cas's hand gripped his upper arms tightly, still looking confused. “You're all sad and disappointed.”

“Of course. But why does that make you smile?”

He placed a gentle kiss upon Cas's lips and then he pulled back and he smiled again. “That could only mean one thing.”

Cas tilted his head again, frowning deeply. “What's that?”

“It means you want to come with me, be with me.”

Cas's confusion cleared and a small, shy smile graced his lips as understanding clouded over his eyes. “Yes. I do. And that makes you happy?”

“So very happy.” He bent and kissed him again. This kiss was much deeper and much more passionate as he licked and tasted the other man. He heard Cas groan from deep within his throat and that one little sound sent jolts of pleasure through his body, heading straight for his dick. 

Cas pulled back, that sad look on his face. “I am happy that makes you happy, but it doesn't change the fact that perhaps I should stay here.”

Dean shook his head violently, hating the thought of leaving Cas behind. “No. I don't care what Sam wants. I want you to come with us. I hate the thought of leaving you here alone. Besides, I'm not ready to let you out of my sight yet.”

Cas smiled at his words. “But Sam…?”

“Leave Sam to me. You're coming and that's final.”

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Turned out, Sam was quite understanding about Cas tagging along with them on the hunt, a lot more than Dean had envisioned, considering the sour face he had at first. Perhaps it was because of Dean's excitement, his happiness. He didn't know and he didn't care. 

As they drove through the pelting rain, and as the wind banged against the car, Dean basked in the silence. Every now and then his eyes would flick to the rear-view mirror and settle on the angel in the back seat. Cas for his part was looking out at the darkened day, watching the rain and blur of trees whoosh past them. 

Dean had never felt so content as he did looking at Cas's happy face. They still had a long way to go, they both knew it, but they were getting there. It would be a slow journey, but they would get there in the end. 

He flicked his eyes back to the road and shock coursed through him at the sight. A woman was stood in the middle of the road and Dean had to react fast, pushing his foot hard to the break. Tires squealed and Dean could feel the car sliding away from him as he tried to avoid hitting the woman. 

It had felt like forever since he'd first touched the break, but finally the car came to a stop. He could feel the tension in the car and he quickly remembered Cas. He looked over his shoulder and instantly calmed to see he was okay, confused, but okay. It was stupid really. Cas was an angel and a simple car crash wasn't going to hurt him, but he had to be sure. Then he glanced at his brother, to see an equally confused look on his face. 

When he looked through the back window at the road to see the woman, she was gone. His own confusion swelled within him. He was almost positive she had been there. “There was a woman in the road,” he said, by way of explanation. 

Before either Cas or Sam could respond. His door was ripped from its hinges and thrown aside, hands grabbed at him, pulling at him. His back hit the concrete, the rain instantly soaked him and he squirmed, trying to free himself. He could hear doors opening in the distance, but he ignored it as he was eventually released. He glanced at the woman who had been stood in the middle of the road, an evil smile plastered her face, her eyes black. Of course it was demons. Would it have been anything else, really? 

He wiped a hand down his face, pushing water away and glanced over to where a demon was holding his brother by the hair. Sam was on his knees, a worried expression on his face. He was trying to break free of the firm grip, but the knife at his throat didn't give him much room to move. Dean felt his heart pick up speed. Of course he was worried, but his brother could hold his own. He'd find away to get free. Or Dean would find away to get to him. 

Looking back at the demon bitch, hoping to have it out with her, he was surprised to find that she wasn't looking at him, but over him, behind him, the smile now turning smug. Dean glanced over his shoulder as he felt the wet floor soak his elbows from where he was leaning on them. The rain was freezing and he felt a shiver run through him. It wasn't because of the cold, though. His heart stopped at the sight of two demons holding Cas, each gripping an arm, each holding an angel blade to his throat. Cas looked defeated and frightened and furious all at once. He knew Cas could handle himself, knew he could probably break free if he tried. 

But these demons were smart. Cas wouldn't try anything, not as long as he was in danger. He glanced back at the demon hovering over him. She was crouched next to him now, her own knife point touching his throat. It was warm compared to his skin, but it sent another shiver down his throat. She was still looking at where Cas was and still with that damn smile. 

“Crowlie's been looking for you, angel,” she said, the smugness evident in her voice. 

Cas let out a low scream as an angel blade scraped across his throat. It wasn't deep, just enough to shock him into submission. The demon above Dean let out a little chuckle at it, allowing the knife in her hand to drop a bit. Dean looked at his brother. A simple look passed between them, an understanding. 

The demon above him went to say something else, but Dean grabbed the knife, twisted her arm backwards and rammed it between her breasts. She let out a high pitched scream. Dean caught sight of his brother breaking free from the corner of his eye, but he didn't have time to be concerned or think about that in the slightest. Instead, he pushed the woman to the concrete, not letting go of the knife and he reached into his jacket, pulled out the angel blade and sunk it straight in right next to the knife that already sat there. There was a flash of red as the woman screamed in agony. Then she went limp, her eyes empty. 

Dean pulled his blade free and looked at his brother. His demon was dead, Sam was pulling the demon killing knife free. Then he glanced at Cas. He was free, both demons at his feet, eyes burnt from their sockets. 

Relief filled Dean as he slowly stood to face him. But the urge came on strong, quick as lightening. All he could think about was that Cas had come close to dying. All he could picture was Cas's dead body and suddenly he couldn't breath. He couldn't handle these emotions, this feeling of helplessness. 

He couldn't see Cas any more, just his dead body. Only his dead body. What if he'd died? Where would that have left him? Or worse, what if he, himself, had died? How could he leave Cas feeling all that guilt and self-loathing? How could he leave him all alone? Because Cas would, he would blame himself. Those demons had been here for him, after all. 

He felt a hand on shoulder and Dean's eyes snapped to his brother's concerned ones. He couldn't deal with that now, he couldn't think past anything other than what could have been. Cas needed to be as far away from him as possible, that's the only way either of them needed to survive. He couldn't be here any more. He needed to leave. Needed to forget. 

He latched his eyes on to Cas again, hoping to see some concern or reassurance or even understanding. But his face was closed off, no emotion showing. He was expecting Dean to run and God, he was so damn close to doing just that. 

He started backing away. Like last time, he expected Cas to follow cautiously, but he didn't, he didn't even seem to want to. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Maybe it was for the better. 

Realization hit him full force and he froze, his heart speeding up. Cas was waiting to see what he would do. He was waiting to be let down and he couldn't do that to him. He couldn't let him down again. He needed to prove that he could do this. That he could keep his promise. His breaths came harshly now as another shiver ran down his spine. He could do this. 

Sam was asking if he was okay and he really didn't know how to answer that. He glanced at him, shook his head once and then latched his eyes back on to the angel. 

“I'm need to run.” It was barely a whisper, but he knew Cas had heard him because in the next instant, Cas was moving towards him, relief written in his eyes. 

Cas slammed into him, wrapping his arms around him and suddenly Dean felt grounded, safe. But he couldn't move, couldn't bring himself to hug back. Cas buried his face against his wet neck.

“I'm okay, Dean,” he whispered. “We're okay. Its going to be okay.” 

Relief washed over him at those words. It was going to be okay because they were both unharmed, they were both there, together. Finally he wrapped his arms around Cas's waist, burying his own face into the crook of the angel's neck, smelling the rain on his skin and inhaling it. They were both okay. 

“I'm sorry,” he mumbled and Cas pulled back, but not stepping away. Instead, he cupped Dean's face in the palm's of his hand, his blue eyes boring straight through his soul. 

“Its okay. You didn't run and that's what matters.” 

Cas leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. Dean reacted instinctively, kissing back. He could taste the saltiness of the rain, and wondered briefly if he was actually crying. He could feel his heart start beating again, could feel himself come back from the edge and in that moment he knew, he knew that all he needed was Cas. Cas would make everything okay. 

Dean pulled out of the kiss and stared into his eyes. “I love you.” 

Cas smiled then, a bright, break your heart smile and Dean couldn't help smiling back. Just feeling the angel's joy was enough to make his own heart soar to the clouds. “And I love you.”


End file.
